A new year approaches and it's supposed to be a time of cheer, family, friends and optimism. And yet, I am here...exhausted from battling emotions that just won't quit. At times I feel good, strong and liberated from them. Then there are days like these when the weight of them renders me helpless and efforts to fight them off, are futile. The only relief is sleep...only to awaken and find nothing has changed. I feel so trapped inside myself at times and I just can't seem to break free. It's almost like a DJ plays different songs and my body responds, despite my objections. A slave to th ..read more

I punched a wall yesterday. She triggered me and though I explained to her that I was getting upset and needed to walk away, she continued to barricade the door so I couldn't leave. I needed so desperately to deescalate the BPD rage that was brewing inside me like a storm. I explained that I was getting angry and she just stood there, blocking the fucking door!  I leaned on the wall, with the appearance of calm on my face; at least so I thought. And then she stepped away. I walked into the other room to calm myself and she followed me, screaming my name and taunting me.  And so, I punche ..read more

You may not tell by looking at me, if you've just walked past me in the street, but inside I am raging out of control. Inside, I am lashing out, screaming and fighting! And yet, I managed to keep it contained within me like a volcano ready to explode. Why? Because I must. Rage is one of the classic symptoms of BPD. It can be directed outwardly or inwardly. Once upon a time, I used to let it all out, without regard for the consequences of my actions. Which of course contributed greatly to the many unstable relationships I've had. However, now that I'm older and trying desperately to live ..read more

Once upon a time when my BPD was at it's peak on the spectrum with regards to the frequency of my symptoms and I lacked the ability to control them better, I used to self-medicate in various ways. The most common way was to lose myself in the arms of the person I was dating.  If I had to be quite honest about it, I think I fed off of them. I needed the validation, affection, adoration they provided me with. It was like a drug in that it calmed my feelings of angst and worthlessness or at least distracted me from it.  However, it didn't last very long before even that, didn't work. Needle ..read more

One of the most challenging things about having Borderline Personality Disorder for me, aside from managing my emotions, is parenthood. It was such a chore to manage my emotions, that it left little room for being able to navigate the emotions of others, especially my children. I found that I was easily triggered when dealing with tantrums or rebellious acts that are probably just a normal part of growing up. But for me, I took them personally, and found myself easily wounded as if it was a direct assault towards me, instead of just a natural part of childhood development. I was exhaust ..read more

  My husband and I were recently having a discussion about a tragic event which was being featured on the news. A parent had committed an atrocious act against her child and her motives were attributed to her mental illness. I am certainly no one's judge and jury and there is no way I could ever know the truth about what caused her to do what she did. However, what I do know is that mental illness is real. And I know this based on my own battle with BPD, for years! So when my husband, who has witnessed my emotional struggles first hand, made the statement that mental illness is not real ..read more

Every single time I feel as if I'm out, I turn around and I'm still in the heart of this wretched forest! I'm so tired of being here. It's frustrating because I have dedicated my life to helping others overcome whatever obstacles and past traumas they've experienced in order to be the best version of themselves. And it gives me so much life to do that for others and it makes me feel like I'm flying above this godforsaken forest of BPD.  However, suddenly my mood changes and it's like an invisible force is dragging me back inside this forest. I'm left feeling drained, weak, discouraged an ..read more

"You're my favorite person", I told him. He smiled at me and tilted his head like a puppy does when it hears a strange sound, then he walked away. We dated for four years before we got married and for the entire time, I have been fixated on him, putting him on a pedestal. I became attached to him like I have never been attached to anything or anyone before. With him, I felt safe, as though I had finally found home. During the moments of my BPD episodes, I would split and become enraged with him (within my mind), because he wasn't able to help me. During my episodes he would just stand ..read more

 That last couple of months, I've been struggling to get my life in order. I'm falling behind at work and other areas and though I try, I'm not making any progress. I feel as though I'm sinking in a vast ocean and though I kick and stroke my arms, I can't get to the surface  no matter how hard I try. It feels like I'm drowning and what's worse is I don't feel much like swimming. I'm so tired. I don't feel very depressed at the moment, just mentally exhausted and indifferent. At the end of every week, I tell myself that I will enjoy the weekend. Go out among friends and start enjoying my ..read more

Dear reader, I've got nothing left, no fight left in me, or so it seems. I am exhausted to the depths of my soul. I am tired of pretending that I'm OK, when I'm clearly not OK. I am tired of holding together those around me, when I barely have strength left for myself. Most of all, I am tired of battling the plethora of emotions raging around within myself. There is no rest. Oh, if I could just take of my daily mask, lay on the floor and just be at peace. But I can't do that, can I? And if I did,  how long would it last? I'm not even sure why I bother to write about this. I don't know ..read more