Responding to reports that the FBI raided his Mar-a-Lago home in search of classified nuclear documents, former President Donald Trump assured that he only shares highly sensitive nuclear secrets, such as the launch codes and the location of nuclear weapons, with “the very best people.” “Everyone is like, ‘Woah, Trump stole nuclear documents from the White House and brought them to Florida, I bet he’s sharing them with just anybody,’” Trump said in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Listen, I’m not an idiot. I only share these secrets with the best people, and really the smartest people ..read more

Monday’s raid on the Mar-A-Lago home of former US President Donald J. Trump has produced “indisputable proof” that the former president has for years been covering up his receding hairline, senior FBI officials confirmed. Federal officials took the dramatic step after receiving an anonymous tip that, despite the appearance of a full head of hair, Trump is in fact completely bald on the top of his head and has grown out his hair on the back and sides to cover it up. “Raiding the home of a former president is not a step we take lightly, but Mr. Trump left us no other options,” said Attorney Gen ..read more

Expecting a bonanza similar to that offered to Russia in exchange for imprisoned WNBA star Brittney Griner, al-Qaeda officials are reportedly shocked at how stingy the Biden administration is being in negotiations for NBA star Kyrie Irving. The Islamist terror group, which captured Irving after luring him to Yemen to play in the Jihadi Basketball Association, hoped to trade him for 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed or another high value prisoner. “Heck, we saw that the infidels offered [Russian President Vladimir] Putin the ‘Merchant of Death’ just for some pot-smoking WNBA lady,” a seni ..read more

After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced an end to his country’s ‘denazification operations’ in Ukraine, despite continual bombings of civilian areas, the Russian strongman has reportedly asked former U.S. President George W. Bush to lend him the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner Bush once displayed during a 2003 speech announcing the end of major combat operations in Iraq. “With our mission in Ukraine pretty much fulfilled, we were looking for a bad-ass way for Mr. Putin to make the announcement that our mission there was, well, accomplished,” a spokesman for President Putin told The Mid ..read more

Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for another term but were so mad that they could not date him that they instead booted him from office. “If ministers of the right-wing alliance are upset that they cannot date me, they can just say that instead of taking out their sexual frustr ..read more

After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war. But he fell to number two when de Blasio, a former public advocate, took office. “Even as I tried every day to find new ways to be evil, I could never keep up with De Bozo,” Assad lamented. “The guy took over a city that had all ..read more

Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political figures: Russian President Vladimir Putin: Find a cooler country to invade than “the Ukraine.” Maybe Alaska? US President Joe Biden: Don’t die; and finally find out who this ‘Brandon’ guy is. Israeli Defense Minister Benny Gantz: Finally choose be ..read more

After another year of war between Middle Eastern countries and factions, and a never-ending global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 was a bust and 2021 definitely didn’t go as planned, but new year, new me! In 2022 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid. ur fault 4 not wearing masks or getting vaxxed. #resolutions #wearamask #getthejab #RT.” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all cur ..read more

Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun.  Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year.  Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is starting to take off, though most people cite increased anti-Semitic incidents.  But it seems that European authorities have a different view, and say that anti-Semitism can’t be the root cause – not because anti-Semitism hasn’t increased, but because it ..read more

Hello fans! We had a clever write-up prepared but, in all honesty, we didn’t want to waste any more of your time that you could be spending enjoying what’s left of this spectacular year. So, let’s just get on with it. For your reading pleasure…that you were robbed of…all year long ‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas Asks Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel ‘At Least Nazis Didn’t Make Jews Wear ..read more