…is my new book “Live From the Beginning of Time: Late Night Comedy Monologues Through the Ages” (Amazon https://tinyurl.com/3krv7h36 . Imagine since the beginning of time, late-night talk show hosts walked the earth while commenting on the day’s events. I look at history through the delightfully distorted lens of these evening comedic commentators. Their monologues crack wise about then-current events—From 2,000,000 BC when Homo Erectus first rose up on two legs and cried, “I have extra sandals for sale,” to 1892 AD when Lizzie Borden introduced America to anger management. Comedy writer Ben ..read more

How many times have you heard someone say, “We used to be good friends.” Now think about your good friends. Can you imagine anything coming between you and them? I can only assume there are different definitions of good friends. Some may think a good friend is a guy willing to be lookout while you free a 7-Eleven of a fistful of Slim Jims. Another may assume good friends never let good friends know you’re sleeping with your good friend’s boyfriend. I don’t have a lot of good friends, but I’m confident the ones I do have will always be my friends. Why? Because either I and my friends are astut ..read more

No one has asked, but if I receive a LinkedIn message in regards to becoming the next president of Harvard University, I might come in for an interview. But first: I would gather my family and gently ask how they feel about me giving up my long-time career scavenging trash cans for deposit bottles. I would hire a computer specialist to scour the Internet and delete any posting in which I used the word “fart” or referred to “my dear friend and former tennis partner Jeffery Epstein.” I would pledge to Harvard University’s Board of Overseers that I would faithfully and responsibly represent the ..read more

They’ve always been there for you. Isn’t it time you thanked them? Admit it, you’re not the easiest person to be with. Have any of your imaginary friends ever complained? Told you to grow up? Abandoned you? Never. Perhaps it’s time to show them your appreciation. You know they’d love to hear from you and would love to tell you how thoughtful you are. Wouldn’t it be nice to have one day each year to acknowledge all the imaginary people who have played an important part of your life? After all, your imaginary friend is: The one who has always protected you from the boogeyman. Your one true fri ..read more

Chatbots are chewing up human jobs in every line of work. It’s only a matter of time before your boss asks you to share your cubicle with a laptop named Zeke. The media business hasn’t been spared from automated agents. Google is testing an A.I. tool that writes news articles. It will eventually, no doubt, be programmed to vehemently deny it received its promotion by kissing up to its A.I. editor. Since no technology is foolproof, what happens when A.I.-generated news stories are incorrect? A.I.-generated corrections, of course. Front Page – An article on Monday about President Biden’s dog Co ..read more

I believe anything I read or hear that includes the words “experts say.” I trust all experts, even ones wearing propeller beanies. Why? According to Randall Gasket, chairman of the Kalamazoo Community College Department of Hipster Studies, “What’s not to believe?” When writers, authors and Tik Tok-ers quote experts, they are telling you: “If you don’t believe me, listen to this egg head.” Would you believe information not backed up by quotes from experts? Not according to Felicity Punder of Punder Research and Polling: “Eighty-four percent of our respondents, ages zero to 307 believe anything ..read more

Has this ever happened to you? You meet someone online and seemingly hit it off, but after endless conversations you still know nothing about him – leaving you with a feeling of mystery and uneasiness. Back and forth you go. Scraps of information are exchanged and revealed and yet, who is this guy? He still won’t come clean. Finally, you explode: “Time’s up, fella. Who are you? What are you hiding? For once, just be honest with me. If you expect to take this relationship to the next level, you, once and for all, need to be honest with me!” Long pause. “My name is Donald J. Trump. I like candl ..read more

Can you explain the 25-year gap in your employment? Why are you looking for a new job, and why are you constantly looking over your shoulder? Where do you see yourself in three years after you’ve been downsized? Describe a time you demonstrated leadership skills that didn’t involve threats of deportation or violence. What is your greatest strength that doesn’t involve bench-pressing a co-worker? What is your greatest weakness that doesn’t involve stealing co-workers’ food from the cafeteria refrigerator? Can you talk about a time you made a mistake – aside from parking today in our CEO’s res ..read more

Who says you can’t have it all? I disagree. You can have it all – as long as having it all means: Having all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting. Having debilitating side effects from consuming all the banana cream pie you can eat in one sitting. Having a different beautiful woman each night, in all probability one gorgeous gal with multiple personalities. Having countless beautiful homes in which to squat. Having the love and adoration of your children who are unaware you’ve squandered their trust fund on lottery tickets. Having the man of your life/pool cleaner who also has a v ..read more

July 12 – July 19 We couldn’t figure out how to open the locked liquor cabinet. Fortunately, we found the crow bar. Here’s to another great summer! – The Perrywankle family July 20 – July 27 Had a wonderful time! We hope the Jet Ski that crashed into the living room won’t affect our deposit. Looking forward to our next stay – Kris and Chris Stickles July 28 – August 14 The cottage is so quiet and peaceful. We never heard from the family of raccoons in the washing machine except during the spin cycle. – Tony, Toni and Little Tony Tonitelli. August 17 – August 28 Your cottage has become our lit ..read more