I just wanted to post a quick something on here to let you know, wherever you are, that everything is A-OK. It occurred to me that I stopped writing this blog and it might lead some to wonder if perhaps the leukaemia did kill me off in the end. It's not fair to keep you hanging like that, especially if you happen to have found this blog looking for information about AML because you or a loved one has been recently diagnosed. If that is you, you need to know that there are happy endings. While this blog was cathartic and necessary at one time, it became too painful to watch the people I got t ..read more

I swear the moon never was so big and glowing Cancer makes it so you can't catch your breath. It's not your blood counts but the moon, which has never cast a darker shadow so bright it feels like daylight so huge you’d swear the seas were swelling. The days come too quickly. Time never felt so finite before you were looking for the moon. It seems this breathlessness is here for good: I thought a cure would make me cynical again, I thought the beauty of the world would wane. It turns out I am transformed. The world has realigned somehow the planets must have shifted because I swear the ..read more

It’s been longer than I care to remember since my last proper blog post. That sounds like I’m about to confess my sins, or regale you with stories of my alcoholism at an AA meeting. Alas, the truth is far less compelling; I’ve simply been busy, not very cancery, and not felt like there was anything worth writing about, and so writing a cancer blog seemed a bit redundant.  The fact that I now have something to write about is bittersweet. I’ve missed writing on this blog, but I had been getting back to a new normal, which was nice, and not immersing myself in thoughts about Leukaemia and ..read more

Tomorrow my immune system in two years old. It’s my second rebirthday! Two years post transplant. Two years since we sat around, waiting for the slate to be wiped clean, and then the anticlimactic slow drip of those beautiful cells. It was simultaneously momentous and underwhelming. But now, two years on, it remains one of the most important days of my life. It is one of the few specific days associated with my cancer that’s worth celebrating. For a stem cell recipient every year is a step further away from the chance of relapse and a step closer to that magical, distant land… cure.  ..read more

I began writing this blog post some time ago. I stopped short of publishing it because the post was all about the Fear Of Relapse, and at the time that I wrote it I was so convinced that I had relapsed that I thought it might be in poor taste to post it, only to then have to write a follow-up to say that actually I wasn’t a manic hypochondriac and that yes, the leukaemia was indeed back. (It’s not). That week that I was particularly convinced that I had relapsed actually culminated in tears, first of terror and later, of relief. On the friday afternoon I visited my GP for a number of reas ..read more

I am very lucky. My entire life I have been told that if I want something, with perseverance and hard work, I can get it. I have known no limitations as to what is expected of me. I could have done anything I wanted, I could have been anything I wanted. I have been provided with the opportunities to make any number of decisions to lead me down one path or another, to wherever I wanted to go. And then I got cancer.  You might think that what I long for (and what I mourn) are the opportunities I am no longer able to seize, for example, I haven’t been able to finish my degree, or qualify ..read more

1. Get in touch. This may be an obvious one, but get in touch. Call them, send an email, send a text, send a card, send a carrier pigeon (although if your friend is hospital-bound the latter might be a slight infection risk). Even if you don't know what to say, just say this: "I don’t know what to say, but this fucking sucks". If you still haven't said anything, and it's six months later, it's not too late. It's never too late. In fact it can be better because they are likely to be very overwhelmed at first and people tend to drift away. Your message could be just the thing to get them t ..read more

Most of the time these days I am absolutely fine. I don’t usually sit around moping about cancery stuff. I do, however, live in constant fear of relapse. With every bruise and every back ache my stomach flips as I wonder, could it be back?  As more time passes, I become less aware of my cancer and other things fill my mind. Wedding planning, getting back to university, plans for the summer, family, training Leo, decorating the house. But every now and then something will happen to uncork a flood of memories and I will be overwhelmed with those same feelings of terror and it’s very dif ..read more

My immune system is one year old!  Tomorrow is my hen party with all my favourite people. If I could have had a glimpse of what my life would be like one year on, I wouldn’t fear a single thing. I can’t quite believe it. It is such a milestone. One year down. Four years to go until I can say I am cured. What a year it has been. Today marks one whole year since we sat around for hours, nervously waiting for the moment when the nurse would come along with a little bag of reddish yellow cells that had been extracted from my sister’s arm a few hours earlier. Transplant day. Day one. My ..read more

I wanted to make a quick disclaimer about the content on this site.  Everything written on this blog is either my own opinion,  or, conclusions and recommendations based on the best available scientific research (to the best of my knowledge) or the trusted expert opinion of health care professionals. I feel it is necessary to write this because recently I have come across a number of instances in which people who have a widespread influence, particularly through social media, who have no discernible scientific backgrounds, espouse the pseudo-scientific benefits of eating th ..read more