Nobody Owning Church Fart
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
4h ago
The foul smell descended upon the church like an unholy cloud, shattering the pious peace. All heads turned as the rotten egg stench filled the sanctuary. For a few awkward moments, every eye Read more ..read more
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My 10 Failed Adventist Dates
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
1d ago
Ugh. Adventist dating is rough, y'all. Let me tell you about the month from dating hell I just escaped. Ten. Whole. Dates. And what did I get for my troubles? A sunburn from that picnic date (dude, Read more ..read more
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Members Plead for Ceasefire Between Adventism’s Liberal and Conservative Theologians
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
2d ago
ADVENTIST WORLD - A growing chorus of regular members has issued a desperate plea for peace between the Adventist denomination's warring theological factions. "Listen, we appreciate all the passionate Read more ..read more
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Sock Fashion Dos and Don’ts for Communion Sabbath
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
3d ago
Adventist communion attire is pretty straightforward. Skirts hit the knee, shirts hide the shoulders, all very respectful. But there's one often-overlooked landmine lurking beneath the pews: socks. Read more ..read more
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Adventist Dating Site Hacked – User Profiles Now Include ‘Second Coming Compatibility Scores’
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
4d ago
The popular Adventist dating app "HeavenlyMatch.com" has fallen victim to a cyberattack, resulting in the exposure of sensitive user information.  The breach, discovered last week, has left Read more ..read more
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7 Reasons Why Jesus Wouldn’t Recognize Modern Evangelicalism
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
5d ago
Seven reasons why Jesus would flip the tables if he walked into a modern megachurch. Ditch the Bling: Jesus wasn't hawking prosperity gospel from a private jet. He hung out with the poor Read more ..read more
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Deceased Adventist Couple, COSTCO Members, Leave Huge Quantities of Supplies to Church
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
6d ago
When Wilbur and Agnes Stillbody passed away within a month of one another leaving their entire estate to the church, the conference trusts and wills director was surprised to discover that a large Read more ..read more
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Should You Invite People to Sabbath Lunch if You Haven’t Cleaned?
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
1w ago
Let's face it, sometimes cleaning for before Friday sunset falls by the wayside. Here's a cheat sheet to navigate the social minefield of inviting someone over when your place resembles a post-apocalyptic Read more ..read more
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Loma Linda Centenarian on Fourth Husband Worried About Meeting All Her Spouses in Heaven
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
1w ago
At 103 years young, Edith Jenkins was a walking, talking testament to Adventist longevity. A card-carrying Blue Zoner, she had lived Loma Linda life to the full. Lounging in her beloved rocking Read more ..read more
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Congregation Perks Up As Soon as Pastor Sheds Weekly Sermon Tears
BarelyAdventist | Adventist satire and humor
by sevvy
1w ago
Pastor Terry Aise, a man whose booming voice could rival a foghorn on a foggy day, roared into his third point. Flowing River SDA vibrated with the usual Sabbath symphony: creaking fans, the rhythmic Read more ..read more
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