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Ahem. Hello there! Good day, and welcome to my office. Yes, that hanging plant is new. Thank you for noticing. Anyway, you’re here because you want my fabulous career advice. I have a very high success rate when it comes to placing people into the careers they subconsciously desire. Everyone was put on this work to Earth—I MEAN, everyone was put on this Earth to work!! Let’s get started. If you found these items on a table, which one would catch your attention first? Pen Dollar bill Toy Glass Watch At a party, which person are you? The host. I’m very extroverted, and I love organizing soc ..read more

“Huh? A final? What’s that?” In the days leading up to Study Period, you may notice a student who sits in the Retreat and appears to have absolutely no work to do, despite the fact that finals are mere days away. This is Dave. The Miscellany News was granted a rare interview with Dave last week, who managed to fit it in between his TikTok-binging time and his second major Instagram scroll of the day. Through our discussion, we caught a glimpse into the mind of this campus legend. Dave said he is enrolled in a demanding curriculum of classes. He immerses himself in English by speaking it every ..read more

This Wednesday, Vassar’s largest dining center released a statement explaining why they installed a permanent 15-foot coffee sign over an area that does not serve coffee. In order to match the “Gordon Commons” sign, they stated, the Deece has rebranded all of their stations with names no one calls them. The Deece began this drastic change two weeks ago when they removed all mutual funds and capital investments from the Stocks station. But no one really noticed, despite the fact that all checking deposits had been replaced with oatmeal. Next, the Deece approached Home and Oasis, removing all ho ..read more

I’ve been participating in a little social experiment called Vassar intramural basketball, and it’s been both very magical and awful. It’s like “Air Bud,” but without the dogs and just the basketball stuff (I don’t know many basketball movies). My team consists of me, my friend Vaughn and a bunch of people from frisbee who I sort of know. We excitedly took the court in our first game against a gang of competent-looking guys. It was the first five-on-five game I had played in maybe 10 years and it was clear that I had lost any Basketball IQ and ability I once had so long ago. Still, it was exhi ..read more

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Welcome one, welcome all. Today is the Ides of March for many young hopeful students in mathematics. Just last Friday, these students displayed bright, joyous countenances. They were fountains of youth and buckets of delight. They were often found mentioning happy topics like friends, family and a good day of Deece fries. But my friends, a mathematics midterm has stolen that previous joy from them. Now, these students are no longer feeling integreat, and we must hear their delirious calls and mourn their sanity, lost to nothing more than numbers. That, my friends, is a poorly written eulogy I ..read more

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At a heated legislative session last Sunday, the Vassar Student Association (VSA) narrowly passed a controversial resolution calling for a resolution to be passed at an unspecified future date. The resolution met with staunch opposition from opponents, who criticized it for its strong language and rigid framework. Despite this, the resolution—which stated in unequivocal terms that “the VSA may or may not, at the discretion of the Senate, adopt or not adopt a future resolution at such time as the VSA sees or does not see fit”—received the support of exactly 66 percent of senators and was offici ..read more

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