NEW YORK CITY, New York – Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson. Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim K ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’ “Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.” Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Ri ..read more

CHICAGO, Illinois – Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year. Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character. “The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of cou ..read more

BOSTON, MA Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday. Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park. “When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, t ..read more

WASHINGTON, D.C.  President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday. “This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.” Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, i ..read more

MEXICO CITY, Mexico –  Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars. “Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” s ..read more

LOS ANGELES, California –  Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose. Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last fe ..read more

PHILADELPHIA, PA Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual. “It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Barack Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time” Represent ..read more

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico Jeffrey Epstein, the man once thought capable of bringing down multiple governments with insider information about his immense pedophila ring and sex island, was reportedly seen alive in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico early this morning. A tourist visiting the area from Atlanta said they recognized him immediately. “I was kind of shook, it was like seeing a ghost,” said the tourist, who wished to remain anonymous. “His murder – er, I mean, his suicide – was pretty much the biggest story of 2019 before it got swept away by the media. I’ve seen the guy’s face so many times on t ..read more

NEW YORK CITY, NY –  President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press. Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries. “It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998 ..read more