Single mother and retiree Janice Rothschild III has today suggested millennials should cut back on luxuries like ‘shelter’ and ‘drinking water’ if they one day want to be able to afford a packet of Chilli Lime Red Rock Deli chips. “Back in my day, interest rates were at 20%, and I still managed to buy chips,” explained Janice. “The problem with kids these days is they were born at a time of wage stagnation coupled with upward inflationary pressures on living expenses, along with a compulsory super contribution that reduces their spending power by ten percent, and an expectation to take on tens ..read more

UN Scientists have today issued an urgent warning that if trends continue, the world may soon be completely over-run by TV shows involving an initially hesitant gruff yet fatherly Pedro Pascal escorting a magical child who can save the world through a series of death defying adventures. “At first when the Mandalorian was detected, we weren’t concerned,” explained one entertainment researcher. “After all it was like nothing we’d ever seen before. However, the Pascal outbreak has since spread from Disney to HBO and as of last night he also made the jump to free-to-air TV via an SNL host, potenti ..read more

Parliament has been frantically closed for cleaning today, after MP and former Prime Minister, Treasurer, Health Minister, Finance Minister, Resources Minister, Agriculture Minister, Energy Minister, Science Minister, and Home Affairs Minister Scott Morrison brought in a capsule of Caesium-137 to prove it isn’t dangerous. “This is Caesium-137, don’t be afraid! It won’t hurt you!” shouted Morrison as colleagues fled the room. “Look, it even has a healthy green glow – aren’t you lot always banging on about wanting more green energy?” Asked why he wasn’t wearing protective clothing, Morrison expl ..read more

The Catholic Church has today honoured the late Sydney Archbishop George Pell, by moving him from the Vatican to another parish. “George touched many people,” explained the church today before offering themselves $50,000 to never mention that again. “He will always be in our memories,” they continued. “Though those memories were a long time ago and there’s no way to prove it was him, maybe it was somebody else or we’re just misremembering.” George will be laid to rest in St Mary’s cathedral, where his beloved evidence was buried in the 90s ..read more

St Mary’s Cathedral has been forced to increase security today, after a man managed to make it onto the stage while dressed up as an absolutely massive bellend. “Clearly he was doing some kind of over the top lampoon of what a heartless Pell defender might sound like,” said one person in the audience. “He wasn’t even remotely subtle about it – calling Pell the ‘greatest man he’s ever known’ and then saying going to jail for fiddling kids is the same as Jesus being crucified? Hilarious!” However, it has since been revealed that the entire Catholic Church is in fact an ironic piece of performanc ..read more

Senior Liberal Party Hermit Alan Tudge came out of hiding yesterday to talk to the Robodebt inquiry. Mr Tudge claimed that he didn’t notice that Robodebt was illegally destroying people’s lives because he was simply too focused on his work abusing staffers. But Mr Tudge denied it wasn’t his fault that he had failed to notice his department was acting illegally, despite being repeatedly advised it was. “I mean maybe a staffer raised it with me but I was probably too distracted trying to pick them up. With matters like these you need to keep your eyes on the prize, and make sure you get to her b ..read more

In a move to calm the public’s fears, an executive from mining company Rio Tinto emerged from the local search area today donning a full-body hazmat suit to address the recent loss of a radioactive capsule that fell off a truck while transporting it from a mine. The capsule’s radiation at one metre is the equivalent of 10 X-Rays per hour. “I want to assure everyone that there is absolutely nothing to worry about,” the executive stated, speaking from inside a lead-lined shipping container in an underground bunker while guzzling bottles of iodine pills. “The fact that all my family have gone ove ..read more

Australian company and occasional airline QANTAS has suffered another embarrassing “technical issue” this week, after a plane was forced to be turned back mid-air due to forgetting to board the passengers. Until flight attendants discovered the plane was empty, the trip was described as the smoothest QANTAS flight in over a month due to the rare absence of mayday calls and unexplained smoke from the cabin. Following a raft of recent issues, QANTAS’ reputation as one of the world’s safest airlines has been severely damaged. However, the airline is adamant it remains one of the country’s top fiv ..read more

Opposition leader Peter Dutton has today joined the chorus of voices calling for Australia day to be scrapped, after learning the day celebrates the time a group of criminals travelled by boat from overseas to invade a sovereign nation’s borders. “This goes against everything I stand for,” wept Dutton as he was told by colleagues what the day meant to them. “All this time I thought I was celebrating the genocide of brown people, when in actual fact I was supporting something I find morally reprehensible. I am disgusted.” Asked what he thought about other similar holiday, such as ANZAC day, whe ..read more

Doctors across Australia have issued a warning of a potential new pandemic today, after an unprecedented 25 million Australians called in sick for the day between the Australia Day public holiday and the weekend. One physician, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s like the entire population of Australia suddenly came down with a severe case of ‘I don’t feel like going to work-itis.’ The Australian Medical Association has issued a statement expressing their concern for the nation’s overall health, stating, ‘We are deeply worried about the sudden outbre ..read more