I don’t quite understand why the days go by so quickly, but the weeks and months seem to drag on and on. I keep trying to get everything done on my daily to do lists. I keep trying, even though I’m not always successful. Blogging is one of my daily tasks that I don’t seem able to complete, but at least I’m doing it today. I feel like I’m doing a lot better since I started the IV Ketamine. I do the treatments every other week at this point. I’m actually interested in doing all sorts of activities and I enjoy myself when doing them. I feel better about myself in general and my negative thoughts ..read more

Today has been a very busy day, but at least I get to go to a hockey game this evening. It can be difficult because of the crowds, but my husband supports me and helps me enjoy myself. I had an appointment with my therapist earlier today. I told him that I had started thinking about volunteering at a local horse ranch. I started riding when I was in Kindergarten, and it’s been years since I’ve been around horses. I don’t mind mucking stalls, cleaning up, groom, and more. So, I wrote a message to a ranch near in my area. I’m not sure, but maybe something will come out of it ..read more

I started IV Ketamine this past November. I’m doing the treatment every week (for now). I’m hoping to be able to change that to once every three weeks fairly soon. I was resistant to trying IV Ketamine for a while. Then, my depression got extremely bad, and none of my meds or treatments were helping, so I finally decided to give IV Ketamine a try. It works so well, I wish I tried it a while ago. The IV Ketamine is working very well for me. It’s the reason that I can finally stop the ECT treatments. I’ve actually already started to wean off of ECT, thank goodness ..read more

I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time. I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamin ..read more

I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment. I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way. I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but preten ..read more

Halloween is here, whether I like it or not. Halloween is a holiday that has bothered me for a long time. I don’t like people I don’t know knocking on my door. I also don’t like walking around town with strangers, especially when people are dressed up in costumes so I don’t know who is who. My husband is going trick or treating with our 2-year-old granddaughter, who is dressing up in a my little pony costume. They will be going as a group including my husband, mother-in-law, step-daughter, her boyfriend, and their kid (our granddaughter). Instead of committing myself to something I’m unsure ab ..read more

For more than a week now, I have had allergies off and on that are extremely annoying. I don’t remember having allergies when I was growing up, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything anymore. My symptoms tend to come and go. I’ve been really tired too. I took a two hour nap this evening, and I’m still tired. The allergies on top of the depression is making life even more difficult. I worry about taking OTC allergy meds, I’m not sure if they will react with the meds I’m already on. Speaking of medication, I have been tapering off of a couple of my meds. I’m already off the Inositol ..read more

I have been trying my hardest to help myself feel better, both mentally and physically. Over the past 6 to 8 months, my depression has helped me to gain weight and feel worthless. I’ve lost some weight, but I’ve been stuck at the weight for over a month now. It doesn’t help that I enjoy cooking and eating (of course). Cooking helps me feel useful. It’s something that I’m good at and I even enjoy it. I’ve decided to cut back on my cooking; and when I do cook, I will be cooking healthier. I think that I should try to find another activity that I can do and want to do ..read more

I can’t believe it, but I actually got my Clozapine prescription filled on the first try. That’s the first time that’s ever happened. Hopefully it will continue like that. I had plans today to spend time with my husband and his family. First, we grilled some steaks and then played cards with his mother and brother. Then we went to karaoke with his father and brother. I don’t mind doing these things; in fact, I enjoy spending time with my husband’s family. The only part of it that I don’t like is making plans ahead of time. I never know how I’m going to feel when it comes time to follow through ..read more

Memory loss is a side effect I’ve been experiencing from ECT. I have been on 2 medications to help with memory loss for several months now. When I saw my psychiatrist, I told him that my memory is not improving or stabilizing; at least not from what I can remember. He told me that for his patients that have been on these medications successfully definitely noticed a change. If I wasn’t sure if the meds were helping or not, then they most likely weren’t helpful. So, I’m tapering off of Donepezil and I should be off it completely in under two weeks. I wonder if there’s anything that can help my ..read more