My relationship – so beautiful, so loved, yet I find it hard to talk about myself. More than social anxiety, just not having the words. But I love her more than anything. This situation, this pandemic – so hard to sit inside, to face nowhere to go, that it’s not only me who is limiting myself, it’s the world’s situation. Both afraid to get it, and to pass it along. And my heart bleeds for all who have not been able to be at home: first line workers, last responders, grocery store and restaurant workers, etc. The fear that must be out there and I’m stuck inside with almost nothing I can do to a ..read more

Just as the winter depression began lifting (with the help of pharmaceuticals), and anxiety seemed less (because of using fewer pharmaceuticals), covid-19 and quarantines kicked in. I’ve been limiting my excursions to grocery stores and mental health appointments for two weeks now. I am not ok. With each passing day I am more and more anxious about going out at all, even for a walk in my apartment complex. And depression is returning. I realized I am feeling overly responsible NOT to spread the virus. With my lungs newly treated for pulmonary embolisms of unknown origins, plus asthma, being pr ..read more

Depression DID kick in after the pulmonary embolisms of New Year’s fame. I’m told that is normal after major heart/lung issues, and so I’m not too concerned. This depression is a little easier than others – no hints of a hospitalization looming! Suicidal thoughts are present, but they are less frequent and less insistent. Plus, I’m so Very Clear that I want to live, as a response to the blood clots that could have done more serious damage. I’m still afraid of dying, and apparently I came close (well, was on the path?), and I don’t want to, despite the lying suicidal thoughts that persist. But ..read more

Well, I rang in the new year in the ER with pulmonary embolisms in both lungs. Turns out the shortness of breath I had been experiencing for weeks was neither allergies nor bronchitis, but blood clots. The ER and hospital stay experiences were anxiety-provoking whether it was getting blood from the same veins over and over, or hearing that You Have Blood Clots in Your Lungs! (And no one knows how I got them.) From the anxiety and the very little sleep one gets in the hospital, to being in the ER and hospital at all and thereby reminded of all my psych hospitalization experiences, my mind was a ..read more

Anxiety is kicking my butt. So is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing – read more here: https://www.healthline.com/health/emdr-therapy). I’m concerned that I need additional meds to deal with the constant high anxiety since coping skills and current meds are not keeping my distress at bay. But I have been in a stable mood state for the last couple of months! I’m at baseline again for the third time in a year – the most stable I’ve been since diagnosis in 2010. I’m amazed, and astonished, and grateful. Instead of the ups and downs of mania and depression, I am plagued with high ..read more

I’m living with bipolar fallout, those symptoms that occur after extending yourself too much. I had two road trips in a week, followed by normal running around and then EMDR started in earnest. That was intense! I had fantastic trips. Then EMDR started all sorts of mental memories percolating and feelings being processed. Afterward I just needed a hug. Now, a couple days later, I’m mentally and physically exhausted, with tons of anxiety despite meds. My thoughts are racing, clouding my ability to think and make decisions. My mood is still stable, thank goodness, but I’m living in fear it won’t ..read more

Yesterday I saw Joker, a sympathetic character study of the Man before he became the Super-Villain “The Joker” from Batman fame. Joaquin Phoenix plays a man recently released from a psychiatric hospitalization (those in the know about where the character ends up assume an involuntary one?). Overall I found the movie a fair, maybe even an accurate, portrayal of someone living with severe mental illness. I say this as someone who lives this life, as well as someone who has observed and learned a lot about living with severe mental illness from people in support groups and hospitals. The importa ..read more

I’ve got a lot on my mind – coming out, new committee work, suicidal thoughts and feelings, a new love interest maybe, a new tattoo and that it means I’m in control of my treatment and my body and who I tell what to, filling out end-of-life paperwork. All in all I’m overwhelmed with me, and a bit hypomanic from the mucinex, and together these things are causing me distress. And anxiety. Lots of anxiety. Just doing the paperwork reminded me that doing such things are a symptom of thinking death is near. And of course I’m having such intense and frequent thoughts of suicide, but in a more abstra ..read more

I really miss the hospital I used to go to in the Chicago suburbs, especially after this last one I stayed at. As you may have expected, I checked myself in as the mixed mood didn’t get better and I got closer and closer to hurting myself as the thoughts bore down on me. I took notes at this hospital because I couldn’t believe how bad my experience was. In no particular order, and as only a partial list, here are the things that went wrong: Food. The food was cold, poorly cooked, and mostly out of a can. Lack of privacy in the bathrooms. Besides the bathrooms having no doors, the staff doing ..read more

I’m relying heavily on coping skills such as distraction or grounding myself. But I really want to die. If I can hang on, the mixed mood will pass, which will make the suicidal images less intense (they never go away completely). My psychiatrist increased my antipsychotic med drastically a few days ago. And my therapist is checking in on me daily. There’s a bed waiting for me at the hospital if I need it, but everyone is rooting for me to hang on and cope through this bad spell at home. Except I really, really want to hurt myself. I don’t have a good plan, and my access to any means has been e ..read more