After trying a couple of mood stabilizers (ie. anti-psychotics) in November and December, and going boo-boo faced and dipsey-doodle in several different directions, I told my shrink I’d take a break from drug trials through January. The experience gave me what I hoped for—a chemical slap upside my brain that shook it loose from the depressive tar. Since Christmas, my mood has been noticeably better. I’m back to making art and moving ahead with my therapist. Our current Adventure—one I vowed I’d never try again—is working with my compulsive eating disorder. But I’ve learned my lesson about say ..read more

Waiting is a practice. Not one I’m good at. Especially when it feels like something with claws is trying to get out of my chest. I came to Starbucks a little after 6am, clutching my little journal, hoping against my demon-judgment hope for a revelation. Even after checking off so many things on my self-care list yesterday, the hot itch remained. There must be a brain ointment out there somewhere! As I wrote, I figured 3 more weeks until I see my shrink again and we do the next thing on his list. The despair swamped me. Maybe if I could get a normal night’s sleep. I’ve been waking up at 1:00-2 ..read more

Years ago, a counselor at Mercy Hospital’s outpatient program in Des Moines suggested that we learn to stretch our ability to tolerate the discomfort of our mental illnesses. Such a benign term—discomfort. It hardly does justice to what really goes on inside a crazy person’s mind. But, it does keep us from catastrophizing the experience. Suffering, agony, or hysteria would be torture to tolerate. Discomfort seems more reasonable. When I woke up at 2am again this morning, I knew I needed to follow this wise counselor’s advise. My mental and physical discomfort had been overwhelming me, and I n ..read more

I’m trying hard not to be scared. My desire and passion for making is gone. It’s been waning for a long time, but I attributed it to depression—the part where a person loses interest in everything. I thought medication would break that open. I hoped my normal flow of ideas would unjam, and I’d WANT to art again. I didn’t think that was unreasonable. I can’t even go through the motions. Even when my passion for making fizzled, I could still create some great stuff. Right now, the sight of my rainbow rack of ribbons distresses me further. I’ve put all my supplies out of sight (again for now, bec ..read more

I weaned off all psych drugs in 2012 after reading Robert Whitaker’s Anatomy of an Epidemic, which told the statistical downside of treating mental illness with medication. Ever since, I’ve been a LOUD advocate for finding other ways of managing or, for those who need those drugs, additional ways of coping and self-care. Like a lot of people on a crusade, I was entrenched, rigid in my thinking, self-righteous in my correct view of the world. We’ve seen how that usually ends up. About a year after I moved to Oklahoma in 2018, the depressive side of my bipolar disorder moved in and never left ..read more

I just got back from getting my Real ID. It’s a perfect morning in eastern Oklahoma—bright, clear, cool—so the short drive over the Arkansas River with the pretty foothills in the southeast pulled my shoulders down from my ears. I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for the last week. Getting out and breathing in the beauty of today was better medicine than anything on my nightstand. Getting a Real ID—the one that gives a person more access than a regular driver’s license—takes some preparation. This kind of red tape is stressful for me. Ghosts of Doing It Wrong rise up and cluck. But when I d ..read more

I was always Team Thanos when the Avengers movies came out. Honestly, the guy was misunderstood. Cut the population in half with no suffering. Cut across all political, social, and income levels. Bring the Earth (and every planet) back into balance. Covid is trying, but it’s not nearly as fair. Tighter restrictions are back in place since the rise of active cases. I know a lot of people who refuse to get vaccinated, and others who think being vaccinated is the only precaution they need to take. Here in beef country, ranchers are dosing themselves with cattle dewormer instead of getting a shot ..read more

Hope you and all your critters have plenty of hidey–holes when the fireworks start (and go on and on and on and ..read more

Eli from Israel asked me to make an OMG! card for him. He told me he has two cats and dreams of being a father. He also likes Maya Angelou. Eli, if you happen to see this before the card arrives in the mail, I’m sorry to spoil the surprise. Like all the special orders I am privileged to make, they come at the exact time I need to make them. I’m moving through another long trough where my head is filled with possible suicide options. Normally, I wait until I’m on the other side of said trough (you know. To be POSITIVE and UPLIFTING), but it feels important to share where I am now. Maybe to nam ..read more

Today the illness is quiet. Color steals back into the iris outside my window; pale, pale lavender with throats of orange. Chores and tasks long neglected get taken care of without thought or effort. Ideas come. Art that has shied away from my ruthless brain offers small enticements. I am coaxed back into living ..read more