Rex Murphy, the blustering defamer of societal ills (real and imagined), fraudulent politicians and the eternal menace of the youth, met with the Grim Reaper yesterday after 77 turns around the sun. Born on the cliffs of that mighty island of Newfoundland back when it was its own Dominion of the British Isles, his family […] The post Rex Murphy’s Obituary written in the style of a Rex Murphy editorial appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

MONTREAL, QC – It was a typical Friday night for Kenneth McPherson as he called a 2 A.M. Uber Share on Montreal’s nightlife-ridden St. Lawrence street. Little did he know, 3 blocks away, on Avenue du Parc, Travis Henley was grabbing the exact same Uber, aptly driven by 45-year-old part-time substitute teacher Stu Hedding. Three […] The post Boys Trip! This Uber Share is all dudes appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on. “While we appreciate Sheldon’s efforts, he only brought us one playoff series victory in five years, which was somehow our best result since two-thousand-and-goddamn-four,” said […] The post Maple Leafs begin search for new scapegoat appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

Earlier this week, CalTech researchers proudly unveiled a new AI program that after years of careful design, development and updates, spoke its first words as a self-aware being… telling the assembled scientists, reporters, and California Governor Gavin Newsom, to “rip that blouse off and show me those fat titties before I bust a nut right […] The post Oh no! This AI became sentient and the first thing it typed was “Send Nudes”?!?!?! appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference at the Ontario Legislature, Doug Ford made it clear that pro-Palestine encampments in universities across the province were unacceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated, after accidentally mistaking the encampment tents for affordable housing units. “Listen, folks, I am just not in favour of these young, tax paying citizens of […] The post Doug Ford denounces university encampments after mistaking tents for affordable housing appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

Toronto, ON – Film historians and critics are flabbergasted after a podcast recorded in Toronto by two men has somehow passed the Bechdel test, used to measure representation of women in film. “There are no women speaking during the podcast, as is the norm,” explains Dr. Theresa Mahue, head professor of University of Toronto’s film […] The post All male podcast somehow passes Bechdel test appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

HOLLYWOOD – With his Netflix comedy film Unfrosted debuting to abysmal reviews, 70-year-old comedian Jerry Seinfeld blames the failure on “extreme left, and PC college campus audiences”, unlike in his heyday, when the teenage girls he dated were fans of his comedy. “Today’s young people wouldn’t know good comedy if drove up to their high […] The post Seinfeld slams woke student audiences: “Back when I dated high school girls, they found me hilarious!” appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have tied their playoff series against the rival Boston Bruins at 3-3, working hard to engineer a uniquely perfect opportunity to break their fans’ collective hearts by losing in seven games instead of five. Following a slow start from the Leafs, fans reported concern that this year’s playoff run […] The post Hardworking Leafs tie up series, maximize how sad fans will be when they still lose appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

BRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per Bank recently issued a statement to all of his employees ordering them to hunt down, catch, and kill anyone who participates […] The post “Enough is enough:” Loblaws CEO commands all employees to hunt down, kill anyone participating in boycott appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to the less fortunate,” said Christ, who worked as a carpenter in his native Nazareth. “But now, like so […] The post Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more