WORLDWIDE – Sources report that the historic landmark you travelled thousands of miles to witness is currently under construction, and will remain so as long as you are in the country. “Aw man, I’ve been planning this trip since forever” declared Cindy Miller, a dejected post-grad student backpacking through Europe. “In London, Big Ben was […] The post Historical landmark you travelled thousands of miles for under construction and will remain so for the duration of your trip appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Former US President Donald Trump has won 100% of the vote in his hush money trial as a jury reached the unanimous verdict of guilty on all 34 charges. Trump has been convicted of falsifying records of payments to hide sexual activity that could potentially be damaging to his electoral […] The post Trump wins 100% of the vote in guilty verdict appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

MANHATTAN, NY – With Donald Trump becoming the first president in United States history to be found guilty of criminal charges, observers note that this felony conviction is also the first instance of Trump earning anything in his entire life. “In all senses of the word, this is unprecedented,” explained Sherman Werner, a leading presidential […] The post Felony conviction first thing Trump has earned in whole life appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

OTTAWA – A new report has confirmed it is quite possible, and in fact logical, to hate both Pierre Poilievre and Justin Trudeau. “Contrary to what Conservative partisans believe, we can criticize Poilievre for having the vibe of a guying standing behind the bully in an 80s movie while cozying up to the far-right even […] The post Report: perfectly possible to hate both of these Fucks appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

KITCHENER – Local man Dalton Strickland, whose data entry job regularly requires him to read dates off a form and put them into a computer, literally never knows which date is the day and which is the month unless the day is above 12. “Are we using the American MM-DD-YYYY system or the rest of […] The post Canadian man reading date never knows which is day and which is month unless day is above 12 appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

CALGARY – After seeing all the hype surrounding the award-winning novel The Hornet’s Lament, 34-year-old Reagan Turner is excited to borrow the book from the library, read a few pages, then give up and skim increasingly succinct plot summaries online until he gets the gist of it. “I’ve heard nothing but good things about WordCrusher’s […] The post Man excited to watch TikTok highlight reel of YouTuber reading Wikipedia summary of novel’s Netflix adaptation appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

MONTREAL – A recent examination of the Pro-Palestine protest encampment set up on the McGill University campus has found that the students involved are currently living in conditions that are much more sanitary than in any of the university’s student residence buildings. “Right now we can’t bathe, we have limited power, and every time someone […] The post Report: Protestor encampment at McGill still cleaner than student residences appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

TORONTO – Canadian athletes are deep in the grind as they practice day and night for the chance to bone the hottest people at the Summer Olympics. “Covid put a cramp in everyone’s ability and willingness to really go to town on one another in Tokyo,” remarked five-time medalist Marlon Burke. “There are definitely some […] The post Top athletes in training to bang the best at Paris Olympics appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

DALLAS – Viewers watching the Edmonton Oilers defeat the Dallas Stars in double overtime were treated to a special vantage point last night: a low camera angle that makes it impossible to see what is happening within 5 feet of the near boards, thus allowing all of our imaginations to soar with possibilities. “I’ve always […] The post Dallas’ low camera angle allows viewers chance to imagine what may be happening along nearside boards appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more

OTTAWA – According to sources in 24 Sussex Drive, Justin Trudeau was taken aback after learning that Rishi Sunak, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has called a July election despite somehow being even less popular than he is. “Isn’t he polling terribly? The British Conservatives will get creamed, why would he call an—oh, […] The post Trudeau startled by UK news that long-standing, deeply-unpopular governments must eventually hold elections appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more