When you're young, you hurt yourself when you do something like skateboard down a hill, or jump over a parking meter, or fall from a bunkbed. When you're my age, you hurt yourself doing things like walking to your car in a parking lot, looking over your shoulder when backing out, or apparently doing nothing more than writing a grocery list.  That's what happened to me. I hurt my thumbs (yes, plural - thumbs.) I hurt both my thumbs from doing something as innocuous as writing. Or typing. Or crocheting. Or just because I'm 53 and body parts simply cease working when you get to this ag ..read more

People often ask me what my kids are up to these days. I started this blog over 16 years ago. It's hard to believe so much time has passed because it feels like it was just yesterday. Folks always told me, "The days are long, but the years are short." Now I fully understand the meaning of that phrase.  Here's a brief run-down on what the kids are up to these days. Austin is married, has a daughter and a son, and is a pastry chef. Savannah is married, has two girls and a step-son, and is a stay-at-home mom. Jackson lives with his girlfriend and manages a smoke shop. Lexington lives with he ..read more

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I lay awake, berating myself for eating half a Pepperidge Farm coconut cake. You know, those frozen cakes that serve 8? I hadn't even taken the time to defrost it, and it's a good bet I would've eaten the entire partially-frozen cake in one sitting had my daughter not come home when she did.  My stomach hurt, I felt like throwing up, and I had heartburn, but greater than all the physical discomfort was the crushing disappointment in myself. Yet despite the utter disgust with myself, there was a little part of my brain that was thinking, I can't wait until I get ho ..read more

I have thick, coarse hair. I always have. When I was a kid, my mom kept my hair short. I looked like a boy - a boy in cute little smocked-top dresses. Maybe she really wanted a boy. I don't know.  My mom would also have the hairdresser "thin" my hair by using thinning shears. The only thing that really accomplished was making my hair look even frizzier with all those shorter strands sticking out. After amassing a portfolio of cringe-worthy pictures from youth, I decided to keep my girls' hair very long when they were little. I loved braiding it and trying out complicated updos on them.&n ..read more

I really never want to leave my office, but alas someone has to be there for The National Geographic special on hyenas eating wildebeest lunch duty, and I've been voluntold to do it. And every time I leave, I come back to a little surprise. Like this: This cup is a replica of the ones Kelly gave everyone who came to her America's Got Talent party on The Office, so of course, it's awesome and hilarious that Phoebe gave it to me. But seriously, when did she take this picture of me? And what's with my hair? And why do I look like I have no teeth?? What face is that? Do I make this face all th ..read more

  After my coworkers did such a fabulous job on my birthday, I was determined to return the favor. Unfortunately, Rachel's birthday kind of came and went several months ago. She was only in the office in the morning so I made a coffee cake to celebrate it. Phoebe and Dan both have summer birthdays when no one is in school so I decided to celebrate them now. Phoebe did the best birthday theme from The Office for me, so I decided to do a Friends theme for her and Dan. I was in charge of cups and ice. We had a cup banner. A cup chandelier. And the thing that started it all - the cup ..read more

I've worked in a middle school since 2011, and these kids have taught me as much as I've taught them over the years. They've taught me that when you have new shoes, you have to walk like a crippled penguin so the shoes don't get creases. They've shown me that flipping a water bottle, trying to get it land upright is a legitimate pastime. And every year they teach me So. Many. New. Words. I like to try them out with students to see how many eye rolls I can get. For example, last week a couple kids were complaining about the cafeteria food.  "Are you kidding? You've got it good! You know ..read more

Phoebe saw a rubber chicken video. The office was filled with chickens, snakes, bugs, chickens, string, chickens, teeth, balloons, and more chickens. That sums it up and brings us to today. After I encountered my desk fully enshrined in a web of twine, I was determined to get revenge. I'd had the idea to cover Phoebe's desk in wrapping paper for her birthday. Unfortunately her birthday isn't until the summer. I didn't want to wait that long, so . . . I wrapped over 100 items. I wrapped every single pencil. I wrapped the things in her desk. I wrapped her coffee maker. I wrapped EVERYTHING ..read more

A couple months ago, I needed to go to a mental health training for school. It was held at my old school which was cool because I got to see some of my old coworkers. It was a 7-hour training so I was off campus all day. I should've know it was a bad idea to be off campus for a whole day. I mean, Phoebe creates a ridiculous amount of vandalism when I step out of the office just to pee, but an entire day to mess with me?! That was the perfect opportunity for her to work her evil mischief! Yet, somehow it never crossed my mind that she'd defile my desk since she'd just pulled off the colossal ..read more

We had school-wide testing yesterday in my district. As a test administrator, it's my job to ensure test security while administering the assessment, and to babysit a bunch of 7th graders when they finish testing until the end of the testing block (which was after 2:00 today.) The first part is a breeze - follow the directions, read the instructions verbatim, constantly monitor the class. The second part - oy vey! (I don't know why I'm suddenly typing in Yiddish. The students melted my brain yesterday.) After testing was completed, all materials collected, and everything was over and done wit ..read more