Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,  the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles,  so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4 What a privilege and honor it was to visit Manhattan Christian Academy today to speak with an amazing group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders. To share KK's story. To share my story. To cry. To laugh. To recall that God knows the number of our days and cancer (or a heart attack) can't change that. To speak in ..read more

On Monday of last week, I let my boss know that I would be taking Thursday, January 24 as my day off since the MLK Jr. holiday landed on my normal day off. I didn't have anything special planned for the day except to rest (something I've been learning to plan into my schedule). Little did I know what was to come. The next day, I received an email from a friend that listened to the Hey Girl! episode (where I shared my journey) on Monday morning. When he was driving home that night, he had a "crazy idea" to ask me if I would be willing to share my story with students at a Christian school in Ne ..read more

I had the opportunity to sit down a couple months ago with my "daughter" (long story) Bethany Needham, the host of the Hey Girl! podcast... and today the episode went live! Check it out. Spoiler alert: I share some things that have been happening in the last few months that I have yet to share here ..read more

As week 2 ended and I realized KK was able to assist with her own care again, I spoke with PACT about bringing her home to die.  In order to do so, they would have to wean her off the morphine by switching to methadone.  They gave her one dose of methadone and she didn't seem to do well.  The timing of it made me think that it was some sort of reaction, but her team insisted it was just the disease's progression.  Either way, I decided against the methadone...which meant we weren't going home. One of the side effects of morphine is constipation.  By week 3, KK's abdom ..read more

I am still not sure what happened as our second week in hospice began except to say God graciously gave me a "treat" when KK woke up -- her voice strong and ready to eat and drink. One of the (many) things that made me cry during the first week in hospice when KK wasn't eating was that she never got her burger.  KK had it all planned out -- since she was eating a vegan diet with no processed foods, she would eat a burger once the cancer was cured or when there was no more hope.  Her doctor even said he would buy her one when she was ready. So, when KK woke up ready to eat and drink ..read more

In the wee hours of Monday, May 1, KK was transferred from the ER to a room on the ninth floor.  A room just a couple doors down from the one we stayed in 2 years earlier.  The charge nurse remembered us and did everything she could to make us feel as comfortable as possible.  At that point, I sent my parents home to get a couple hours of rest. I advocated for my girl every step of the way. They offered to hook her up to monitors, but I declined as I didn't see a need for monitors since there were advanced directives in place. KK was in a lot of pain the first couple of days ..read more

I just read the last posts I wrote before I went radio silent when KK was admitted to the hospital for the last time... On April 27, 2017, I wrote: ...this week, I trust that God will continue to lead us no matter what the MRI reveals. We didn't make it to the scheduled MRI on May 3. On Sunday, April 30, KK and I went to church.  It was Chapel Family Sunday and I had to speak during both worship services.  KK did what she loved most during first service -- she loved on the babies in the nursery.  During second service, she sat with me in the sanctuary and laid her head on my ..read more

Breakfast of Champions Here's the reason I needed to get away to process and blog about KK's final weeks... It is 5:24am and I am sitting here with my breakfast ready to write. I know this is not an unreasonable time to get up for most, but it is crazy early for me (especially on vacation).  The kicker is that I have actually been up since 3:38am after going to bed well after midnight.  I laid in bed for almost an hour and a half unable to go back to sleep as I formed blogposts in my head while tears streamed onto my pillow before I finally decided it was time to get up an ..read more

I can hardly believe that it has been 10 months since I have posted anything here.  I have taken to Instagram here and there throughout the year, but I have not been able to muster up the energy to write the blog posts I "need" to write.  I know I need to process KK's final weeks in order to "keep moving forward".  I process best by writing, but the emotional wherewithal it would take to do so seemed too daunting. I have found simply writing a short caption under a photo on Instagram to be emotionally draining. I have continued to go to counseling with Dr. Chuck, but our t ..read more

It hasn't been pretty, but here I am on the other side of Christmas day. As mentioned here and here, I have been trying to prepare for the moments that I know are going to be hard so there are fewer events that blindside me. Here are the moments for which I prepared surrounding my first Christmas without KK... Christmas Tree When I first thought about getting a Christmas tree, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to get a real tree, get an artificial one, or no tree at all. I wasn't sure if I would have the energy to deal with the upkeep of a real tree and I didn't want to invest in an artifici ..read more