Over the last four and half years, I have come to notice a silence before the good bye. I have seen it many times documented through formal blogs, tweeting, or Facebook timelines.  Some go silent to focus on those closest to them, others are held back by whatever physical and mental impediments cancer has created in their bodies, and many just don’t want to walk the final days publicly. Metastatic young adults and their families are force fed grief.  Whether they want to deal with it or not.  Some are fortunate enough to push against the odds and live full lives through the ..read more

We have landed in September, the start of a new school year.  This year is special as both kids will be in the same school.  Our daughter will be in Junior Kindergarten and our son in Grade Two.   For my wife Anna this was a big deal.  When she was diagnosed with triple negative metastatic breast cancer in July 2012, one of the goals she had was to see her daughter start kindergarten. Throughout the ups and downs of surgeries, chemotherapies, and various radiation treatments; at times this goal seemed out of reach. Last week Anna got to see our daugher walk into her cl ..read more

Guest Blog from Ian I have been feeling the pressure to write a blog entry for Anna.  Where do I start? In December, we found out that the tumours were growing in her brain again.  Anna decided to undergo another ten treatments of whole brain radiation.  She had received radiation about six months earlier and it had worked, shrinking the tumours initially.  The strategy was about adding time, not eliminating the cancer.  After consulting with her medical oncologist, she also decided to try a three-week cycle of chemotherapy, methotrexate and cyclophosphamide.  Thi ..read more

This blog entry is from the summer when I was hospitalized for a week because my blood sugar was dangerously high. The image is by Brendan Smyth edited by me. I felt no physical pain There are big blocks of time I don’t remember. Days in the hospital blended together like feral cats on a sunny day. My biggest fear came true. For a time cancer changed who I was and how I thought. I was drifting in and out of lucidity. I was obsessed with the number four, cast iron shirts and telling my doctors that they were “very clever”. I was blissfully happy. The whole brain radiation was easy. Five m ..read more

Someone told me once that we live in grey but our ideas are usually black and white. I find that statement interesting. Facing my death is changing the way I look at my life. My ideas are no longer black and white. I’m moving into the world of the unknown. Its like standing on a cliff and looking out towards the vast horizon and not knowing what lies beneath. Despite not knowing, I still believe that something exists . Lately I’ve been trying to get a hold of what it means to die.  How can I accept the unknown?How can I face my death empowered with grace and love?  In the metastatic ..read more

Whole brain radiation is one of the easier treatments I’ve had to date. Its quick and has minor side effects compared to chemotherapy.   The main side effect for me has been coping with the fatigue that comes a couple weeks after treatment.  I should also mention that you loose your hair ..read more

The following is a set of drawings my father has done related to my diagnosis of brain mets.   ..read more

Art by Ken Craig I’m sitting quietly on the couch listening to my children play connect four. Everything seems so simple.  It’s Christmas and I’m soaking it in. This most likely will be my last Christmas. I’ve ran out treatment options. I’m trying to absorb the bitter sweet in the moment. My goal is to be as present as possible. Being present is hard. I feel healthy. Steroids have stopped all the vomiting that has plagued me over the last 2 months. I had gotten my strength back after the last bought of whole brain radiation. I had started to become and active member of my family. I was ..read more

This past Friday Anna went in for an unplanned MRI.  She was having some symptoms that concerned her doctor.  The breast cancer in Anna’s brain has grown exponentially.  The three most recent tumours that had shrunk initially after whole brain radiation have grown again, along with the initial tumour from last January when she had the craniotomy.  The tumours are focused in the left temporal lobe causing extensive edema (swelling) which has led to her most recent symptoms of nausea and head aches. She has started back on steroids, which will help control the swelling and sh ..read more

This summer was complicated. “I love you mommy” She says as she twirls around on the ottoman in her tutu. This summer they found three new tumours. She runs to the toy box and grabs two dolls. This summer I lost myself. “Lets play dollies mommy” she says with an excited look on her face. This summer they made a mask of my head. “Yours is this girl mommy” She says as she hands me a doll with blue hair. This summer was unpredictable. “Your the bad girl and I’m the good girl” She declares. This summer they radiated my brain. “Ahhhh” she squeals as I move my doll towards hers. This summer I slept ..read more