There’s this boy I know.  Every now and then I try to describe him, never quite doing him justice, never quite getting it right. You would know of course, if you had met him – exactly what I mean. He has a heart of gold this boy, and you can see it in his deep green eyes.  His freckles dance across his face and his smile stops you in your tracks.  His hair is curly and unruly and his little ears stick out ever so slightly.  More than anything he is kind.  He cares about things being right, he worries when people are hurting. Not so long ago I made a promise to myself ..read more

I have always loved diaries. I find it fascinating to recall all those little moments in life, the tiny insignificant ones that bring a smile to the corner of your mouth.  It’s funny really, as it has been a fascination since I was young – the many different covers they can come in, bright colours, leather bound or even this one which has no cover at all.  It must be a family thing as my niece loves notebooks and diaries also, and we once shared a secret grin as we realised that Isla is the same. And so, many months after treatment we find ourselves on holiday.  The first time ..read more

Sometimes in life things happen that are hard to explain and to justify.  The past few weeks have been precisely that.  I have found myself wondering how to broach conversations with my children, knowing all too well that they will come up.  Wondering, if I am doing a good enough job as a parent in teaching my own babies about the difference between good and bad? Of course my gut instinct is to protect, to shield and to keep them from harm’s way – but that is just not real life, or not life as we know it anyway. Just lately I have found myself staring at the boy and taking in e ..read more

A few years ago I was very poorly.  I don’t mean my diagnosis of breast cancer, I mean before that, just after I had my little girl. I didn’t see it coming, yet it hit me like a freight train. I had two little ones and I felt like I was treading water.  I can remember being tired, so tired I could barely walk us all up the stairs to the bathroom.  Too tired to be bothered with food.  I stopped sleeping and at first I blamed it on the children, except they slept through the night mostly.  I lost a lot of weight and I looked like a shadow of myself. I remember sitting i ..read more

My friend told me a story once about a lovely day trip she had with her mum. She was young, and they had some precious time to visit the city and to see a show together.  In later years she lost her mum, and though she assures me that her childhood was more special than ever imaginable, there is one thing I know that she wishes she could have. I know she wishes that she could remember all of the small things about that trip, what they ate, where they stayed, all the tiny details.  All the details that do not matter to anyone else but you, and yet some memories do stay.  So ..read more

Something lovely happened in our world two weeks ago, and I have been dying to say it out loud ever since. My sister had a baby! It has been like a huge secret that I have been bursting to share, and I can feel a ridiculous grin spread across my face as I type because it really is the best thing that has happened to our family in quite sometime.  Nowadays the prevalence of social media means that you have to be careful when getting excited about someone else’s news, and of course it has not been my news to ‘tell’ really so I have kept quiet (well as quiet as is possible for me). When I f ..read more

This one was never going to be easy to write. I nearly didn’t write it actually, and then I thought that there might just be another person going through the same things – the same worries and fears and that fact, after all, is the very reason to share it. As I have said before, the diagnosis and the surgery and the treatment is not the end.  Not by a long chalk.  You also have to live with the after effects of cancer, and that is no easy thing to do.  Some months ago I decided, after much procrastination that I would ask for my implant (on the mastectomy side) to be changed ..read more

There is a moment in a famous film that makes me cry.  Every time.  A moment when Emma Thompson’s character realises that her husband’s gift is a Joni Mitchel C.D.  All at once life seems so unfair, and the tears fall as the realisation sets in all around her.  And then she takes a big deep breath, so as not to show that her heart has been broken, and she ushers everyone out to the school concert. Life goes on, whether you want it to or not. It has been a rocky start to the year for me, the end of last year beckoned new beginnings and the chance to close the ..read more

I have written a poem for a friend of mine, who lost her battle with breast cancer, and well because when all is said and done, home is the most important place to be. One Last Smile It was nearly Christmas time, on the day they brought you home. They wanted you to stay, of course, but you would not hear them say.  There was somewhere more important that you had to be that day. Away from wires, and tubes, and the oxygen, you came.  For there was somewhere very special that you had to be again. Through the hills, past streets and houses, you drove on by to be.  Round bends ..read more

It has been a little while since I have written anything down, my thoughts and fears – our day to day carry on.  It seems that the jumblings of life have picked me up and swept me along as if there is not much time to stop and take a breath.  But stop I must, because next week almost to the day is the school Nativity. This time two years ago I made a promise to myself not to take any of the things that I had in life for granted – ever again. I remember it as though it were yesterday, the determination that I found deep within me to make my little boy’s first play ..read more