I appear very mellow, requiring a lot to provoke emotion. Once emotion is achieved, whatever the emotion is, I feel it full throttle. Anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. and I don’t know what to with the overflowing emotion or how to calm it down ..read more

As a person with chronic illness I often feel isolated. My illness can pull me from my friends, work, event, huge life moments, etc. As much as I want your “healthier” friends to understand, they can’t. Even after 20 plus years of living with Crohn’s, I feel like I might just be grasping at understanding now. No two days are alike in regards to symptoms, energy, fatigue, what I can eat, how much I can eat, etc. But I search for people who can relate online, in person, support groups, etc. But sometimes even then, I watch others thrive, and wonder how do I get there too? And then suddenly I fee ..read more

The only way I can describe my depressive episodes is similar to a flare of any autoimmune disease. Right now I am not sure what triggers the episode or how it gets so crappy so quickly. But I guess, the stress of managing life with chronic illness is cumulative. Like any other flare, the exact beginning and end are unclear. All I know is I experience all the symptoms (sadness, insomnia, poor appetite, case of the idgaf’s, etc) with an undefined end in sight. As stupid and simple as this sounds, breathing techniques -specifically box breathing, gets me through tough spots throughout the day wh ..read more

I feel like I am in a constant state of panic and throughout the day the intensity varies. In counseling (local sessions weekly) we have worked on coping strategies such as imagery, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing. Oddly enough we worked on them but I never implemented them at the appropriate times. Somewhere along the way I stopped practicing my coping strategies. During my last visit with my Cleveland clinic counselor (2nd session), we discussed the guilt I feel for feeling like a financial burden to my mom. I realized that associated with the guilt, I want don’t ..read more

Today’s President’s Day. A day off of work. However, it was not a day off of putting work in towards healing. I slept in today for much needed self-care. I made eggs for breakfast as I am tolerating them and I adds ton of salt to help with my electrolytes (ileostomy problems lol). I made an extra appointment to return to the ostomy clinic at Cleveland Clinic. My skin is still pretty red, although it’s not weeping anymore so that is a plus. I sought out and received puppy snuggles prior to my virtual appointment with the IBD dietician today. I have learned, I fear eating. Outside of my safe foo ..read more

I somehow convinced myself that writing failed to benefit me and only to pushed myself into further isolation and to sink deeper into my depression. A lot happened. My dog, Auzy passed during COVID in the summer of 2020. His death was harder than I ever anticipated as he couldn’t walk one day. Hardest decision ever. I had another surgery during the height of COVID in June 2020. I agonized over this decision as my skin was turning purple and abscesses and perforations started within my bowel. I learned that after the surgery confirmed by a resident. I felt validated for knowing my body. This su ..read more

Today at Walmart, the cashier asked me if I was a mom. My reply was only to fur babies. She kindly responded by telling me Happy Mother’s Day. Then while walking to the parking lot I thought how much her wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day meant to me. Recently I decided I would not have any biological kids of my own. I have had several conversations with my family about this and went back and forth with myself about it as well. I watch my friends and how dedicated mom’s they are by planning activities everyday for their children and the energy required to take care of them. In the meantime, I str ..read more

In an optimal world, I would like to believe healthy exists. However, in reality, I don’t believe it does. I am not healthy. I have Crohn’s disease, anxiety and iron-deficiency anemia. Looking into my immediate family: my dad had a 6 bi-pass surgery and has arthritis in his knees. My mom has arthritis in her joints and her bladder is misplaced despite surgery. She also has undiagnosed anxiety in my opinion. My brother has diagnosed IBS, if not IBD. I know the signs. He has them. My grandmother- diabetes and arthritis. She can barely walk some days. And so on and so forth, I believe I could nam ..read more

2018 hasn’t started the way I would like. I started the first few days sick and at the end of the month ended up in the hospital for 3 days due to possible blockage/ stool stuck in small bowel. Only to return the day after discharge back to the hospital for severe pain- which now was an abscess the size of a tomato! I was in the hospital for 1 week and had a drain for 3 weeks. I am currently still on disability waiting to see what the next move is as I have two possible other abscesses in my last CT scan. I am scared of the unknown. What happens next, the potential for more drains, changes of ..read more

So I started 2018 a little rocky. I just haven’t been feeling well. I am not sure if it’s because I injured my neck before Christmas, it’s the flu, a blockage, stress, or a flare. I just have a constant headache and my neck hurts on top of my output has been mostly liquid which is not normal for me. This morning, Jan 3rd, I woke up to poop-ageddon. I had a massive leak, the worst one to date. It was all over my front, my side, and my back side. I am still working on the clean-up. All I can do is laugh tho and just clean up because shit happens. Keepin’ it real. Thanks for reading. *photo com ..read more