The Onion
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The Onion
5h ago
IQUITOS, PERU—Disappointed by the limitations of the psychotropic medicine, an ayahuasca-tripping God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Tuesday how underwhelmed He was to see Himself. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but I sort of figured I’d see something more awe-inspiring than the face of Me,” said…
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The Onion
5h ago
CHICAGO—Dismissing concerns that funds were being mismanaged, the Chicago Police Department vigorously defended its decision this week to buy an entire fleet of 1967 Ferraris. “We will use these babies to keep the community safe, and we will look badass while doing so,” said Chicago Police Superintendent Larry…
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The Onion
7h ago
DAYTON, OH—Several reports indicated Tuesday that the email that would tear your life apart was currently in your nemesis’s draft folder and that after it was sent, nothing would ever be the same again. According to sources, the 600-word email—penned by your lifelong foe—is CC’d to your friends, your relatives, and…
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Inconsolable Anna Wintour Changes Met Gala Theme To ‘Looking Like Shit’ After Waking Up Feeling Ugly
The Onion
22h ago
NEW YORK—Throwing another outfit across the room with an emphatic sob, an inconsolable Anna Wintour reportedly changed tonight’s Met Gala theme to “Looking Like Shit” after waking up feeling ugly. “Sorry for the last-minute change, everyone, but the theme is now ‘Being An Ugly Piece Of Shit’ to accommodate me feeling…
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The Onion
22h ago
TORONTO—In a stunning twist to the feud between the two hip-hop artists, Drake reportedly dropped a new track Monday inviting Kendrick Lamar out to coffee so they could clear things up. “The truth is, Kendrick, I think you’re a sweetie / Does 2 p.m. work, or maybe 3?” Drake raps in his new single titled “I Miss You,…
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The Onion
22h ago
NEW YORK—Describing the newborn’s stint in a neonatal intensive care unit as a brief, blissful period during which she was still beyond the reach of marketers, sources confirmed Monday that her 17 days in an incubator would be the longest period of her life in which premature baby Rosalyn Williams was not exposed to…
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The Onion
1d ago
SAN DIEGO—Repeatedly questioning how anyone in this city made a living when all they did was hang out and waste their time and money, local dad Keith Dearborn reportedly spent his entire vacation asking how this many people were out at coffee shops on a weekday. “I don’t get it. It’s 12 p.m. on a Wednesday, and this…
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The Onion
1d ago
Unit contains resident who leaves out fresh roast chickens and keeps jug of milk in fridge. Take and eat whatever you want—they can’t stop you!
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The Onion
1d ago
WASHINGTON—Showing wide-ranging approval across all demographic groups regardless of political affiliation, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Monday that the majority of U.S. citizens want immigration reform that includes making up new last names for people again. “Our data show that most Americans do…
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