REVIEW: Seven’s new season of Dancing with the Dickheads is off to a cracking start with more gaping holes of morality than you can poke your stick into. Bruce Lehrmann’s wardrobe malfunction in last week’s breakdance to R Kelly’s ‘Don’t You Say No’ was finally reviewed by British lipreading experts who confirmed the former liberal staffer exclaimed “lol, my cock’s hanging out, let’s get lit” during an otherwise technically perfect execution of the worm. Saved by the grace of guest judge and previous DWTD winner, Wayne Carey, Lehrmann swore on the lives of all disgraced Channel 7 personalities ..read more

Letter deliveries will shift to every second business day from now on, according to a statement Australia Post mailed to media outlets four years ago. The organisation said they wanted to give Australians several years to get ready for the change, but the announcement was held up in a sorting facility in Dandenong South for three years, before finally being sent to media outlets in Sydney and Melbourne last December, via Broome. “Unfortunately once it got to Broome it was then mistaken for a Christmas card, which meant it was held back for three months and only only delivered today,” a spokesp ..read more

When you’ve been accused of doing something wrong in public life, the response usually is to go to ground and keep your mouth shut.  In the Defo Awards we celebrate those brave men, and other men, who took a different route. The men who, against all advice, against all logic, against all public relations theory, boldly set out to sue their accusers and monumentally fuck it up. There have been some stunning performances. Here are our winners …  Best Lead Actor in a Defamation Fuck-Up Winner: Bruce Lehrmann Judge’s Comments: When it comes to overestimating one’s own abilities, Bruce Le ..read more

Pointing out that it was a long time ago and that his memory isn’t perfect, former political staffer Bruce Lehrmann says he cannot remember the outcome of today’s defamation verdict, or even launching proceedings in the first place. “I don’t recall ever initiating defamation action. And if I did, I certainly don’t have any recollection of losing the case,” he told journalists. He said it was unreasonable for him to be expected to remember in detail something which happened dozens of minutes ago. “The supposed date of the findings – 15th April 2024 – is a very long time ago. I don’t even rememb ..read more

Peter Dutton has stubbed his toe while walking to the kitchen at his family home, immediately drawing parallels to the pain and suffering felt by victims of the Twin Towers attacks of September 2001. It comes after he compared last October’s pro-Palestine rally at the Sydney Opera House to the Port Arthur Massacre. In a statement to media, Dutton said his stubbed toe – which he referred to as ‘the events of April 11’ – was a significant moment that would be seared into the Australian psyche. “While no one was killed during the events of April 11, it was akin to 9/11 in terms of its social sign ..read more

A new reality offering from the Seven Network will see a group of contestants compete to see who can rack up the most spending on a company credit card in under 24 hours. The exciting new format, which will feature exclusively white male contestants, will be must-watch television, according to the network. “It’s going to be edge-of-the-seat viewing,” a Seven spokesperson said. “One guy’s frantically buying flights and accommodation, someone else is racking up special massages, a third bloke is tucking into $3,000 steaks. The clock is ticking … who’s going to have the biggest bill at the end? Y ..read more

Qantas has announced an exciting new update to its frequent flyer program, saying the new system will make it even easier for passengers to access rewards seats on flights to obscure destinations late at night in five years’ time. Billed as a major overhaul of the program, the company said passengers could now access any seat they wanted in the row next to the toilets, on selected flights to selected destinations. “We want to say thank you to the millions of Australians who have spent years saving up their Qantas points by giving them the opportunity to battle it out for one of twelve seats ac ..read more

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott says the Liberal Party needs to recruit more women if it is to have any chance of keeping up with the growing housekeeping demands of a modern political party. In a speech today, Abbott said the party was losing touch with modern laundry standards. “People look at the Liberal Party in 2024 and what they see is a bunch of white men with crinkled shirts, when what they want to see is a bunch of white men with beautifully pressed shirts. No wonder we’re down in the polls. “I don’t need to tell you that shirts don’t iron themselves. And blokes don’t iron them eith ..read more

Australia’s economy avoid recession after Bruce Lehrmann went out for a steak and a back rub with a few mates and a Channel 7 credit card. The ABS says consumer spending was up $230 billion for the March quarter, with $180 billion of that figure attributable to Lehrmann. Treasurer Jim Charmers said if it wasn’t for Lehrmann Australia would be in recession right now. “It was certainly headed that way last quarter. But then Bruce went out for a feed and a massage and now we’ve got triple digit growth”. Chalmers conceded there were concerns about the inflationary effects of such high growth. “Ten ..read more

The Israeli Prime Minister says his country is not responsible for the huge number of civilian casualties in Palestine, with more than 30,000 people carelessly running into gunfire. “Everyone knows that if there’s a bullet coming towards you, then the obvious thing to do is to get out of the way and let it pass. It’s basic common sense,” he said today. He said the IDF had no intention of hurting people. “We’re simply shooting bullets into open space. If someone happens to jump in front of one, well that’s unfortunate, but it’s really our fault. “Aid workers, Palestinian families, children … th ..read more