MENLO PARK, Calif — Facebook parent company Meta launched what it describes as its “most powerful Facebook profile picture filter yet” in a bid to support Ukraine amidst the ongoing Russian invasion, confirmed multiple soon-to-be-laid-off employees. “With the tide of the ongoing war in Ukraine sadly going in Russia’s favor, we feel like our previous efforts needed an overhaul,” said Meta spokesman Andy Stone. “With this filter, we have some features never seen before in a socially conscious profile picture. Right off the bat, we made the blues and yellows much deeper on the flag. That’s not no ..read more

Imagine if The Muppets made a metal band. And not like the type of “metal” that your brother-in-law likes. Good metal. METAL metal. And when we say “The Muppets,” we’re not talking about the cute ones that teach you about spelling. We’re talking about the monsters, who might be cute, but are also super scary. And also teach you about spelling. You know: Sweetums. Gorgon Heap. Thudge McGerk. Scary-ass Muppets. In a metal band. Are you imagining that band? Great. That’s Sigh. And if you think that’s anything less than the highest compliment we can give at Hard Times, you need to take a step back ..read more

Has every local coffee shop banned you for talking too much about Pavement? Good news, there’s a new cafe opening up in a nearby neighborhood! Stroll into Das Java, the minimalist cafe brewing up strong blends, with plenty of baristas ready to hear your meandering takes on music. Time to recommend some songs by everyone’s favorite band from Stockton! (Listen along to the playlist) “Date w/IKEA” Slide into the joint with this tune blasting in your ears. You are definitely the main character here, grooving to Pavement’s fourth album “Brighten the Corners,” naturally. Walk in with a knowing smile ..read more

NEW YORK — Nine-year-old Oliver Cahill, who has battled rare brain cancer for over half his life, recently met Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson thanks to the Make-a-Wish Foundation, confirmed multiple sources who wish the subject of a creator never came up. “I was telling Oliver all about the Big Bang and the evolution of life and he asked me how God plays into all of this,” recounted Dr. Tyson. “I laughed at first because that is one of the dumbest questions a kid has ever asked me. We confront paradoxes that have puzzled humanity for millennia. One such involves reconciling the concept of an all-powe ..read more

With average housing prices hovering around the half-million dollar mark, I knew I’d never be a homeowner in my lifetime, and I was right. Decades of jaywalking finally caught up to me and I bit the big one a few months back. If only someone had told me sooner how much my life would improve after dying, I would’ve meandered into traffic wearing nothing but a blindfold years ago, but as it’s been said, you don’t know what you don’t know. Thanks to the extreme personal suffering and seething resentment I experienced during my lifetime, I was not so much “laid to rest” as I was “trapped for etern ..read more

NEW YORK — Executives from The Big Five book publishers launched a coordinated effort to boost sales by pressuring the universe’s creator, and once prominent author, to write a third installment of the Bible, sources confirmed. “It’s no secret that the publishing industry has seen better days. With e-readers and audiobooks growing in popularity, we’ve seen a steady decline in sales of physical media,” said HarperCollins CEO Brian Murray. “We decided it was finally time to reach out to God and make an offer. I’ll be honest, they were pretty upset when we contacted them. So much so that they cau ..read more

When the actor who replaced Paul McCartney after his death in 1966 announced there would be a new Beatles song in 2023 fans were understandably ecstatic. They were the most popular band in the world when they broke up in 1970, and a reunion seemed long overdue. The enthusiasm was short-lived, however, as the reveal that John Lennon’s vocals would be pulled from a previously discarded recording with AI led to a resurgence of a popular and sinister conspiracy theory. In 1980, rumors that the real John Lennon had been killed by an assassin’s bullet spread like wildfire. Through a massive PR campa ..read more

DAYTON, Ohio — The recently announced 20 Years of Tears tour featuring emo legends Hawthrone Heights, Thursday, and Saosin will sell VIP tickets that include exclusive access to leave early in order to beat traffic, confirmed sources. “The target audience for this tour is people who now fall asleep at 8:30 p.m. on a Friday after drinking half of a beer, so this sort of promotion was a no-brainer move,” said tour organizer Dave Bremerton. “Exclusive access includes admission to one of several hidden tunnels that lead directly to the premium parking spots in the parking lot as well as backstage ..read more

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his favorite bar, confirmed sources who were already excited for the 20th anniversary. “What better way to ring in a decade and a half of thinking about quitting alcohol than day drinking at O’Connelly’s Pub,” said Squires. “To wake up violently hungover at least three times a week and think ‘I am never drinking again’ for 15 years straight is a feat of self-control and willpower some of my disciplined friends can’t even relate to ..read more

That’s it: I really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to take the full Karen approach on this matter. I’ve never publicly put a restaurant on blast before, even if they’ve given me the mud-flaps the next day. Nor have I ever dreamed of taking up op-ed space to attack a business. But something really has to be said about the despicable business practices of Pinetti’s Pizza Paradise on Wilshire Blvd. It happened like this. Yesterday evening, as I stepped out of the shower, clad in nothing but a bathrobe and my underclothes, I happened to get a knock at the door. Going downstairs, I saw a mul ..read more