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In a devastating story emerging from a coffee shop in Bethesda, MA, 24-year-old Patti O’Neil is realizing in real time that she’s definitely told this story to someone before, but she can’t for the life of her remember whom.   The ordeal began when Patti’s friend Yuri Seminova told her that he was heading to Florida this month, which launched Patti on a long and winding tale about her own trip to Florida.   “I got about five sentences into my story about falling from a parasail when I realized I had maybe told him this already,” she told reporters from the coffee shop’s bathroom, whe ..read more

In a developing story coming out of New York University, where more than 150 protestors were arrested last night for demanding that the university divest from companies that profit from Israeli apartheid, a spokesperson from NYU announced that the institution “supports individuals’ right to freedom of expression,” despite the fact that he was already on the phone trying to reach the National Guard.   “No one should be scared to express themselves on campus,” NYU spokesperson Larry Houston told reporters, while momentarily holding his phone to his chest. “As long as you ask us nicely befor ..read more

Much to many absent fake plant parents’ dismay, a new report coming out of Cornell University’s School of Horticultural Science has declared that just because a fake plant doesn’t need water doesn’t mean it wouldn’t still really enjoy some.   Scientists at the university explained that this finding should come as no surprise.   “It’s just common decency,” Lead Researcher Dr. Cynthia Bello told reporters. “You’d offer a guest a glass of water, no matter how fake they were, wouldn’t you? So, why not extend that same courtesy to your fake house plants?”   The study recorded various ..read more

Finally seeing the light all the way from Greenville, SC, 27-year-old Winnie Park just read a book all the way through and is starting to understand what all the fuss is about.   Winnie, who readily admits she has not read a book cover-to-cover since college, started and finished The Secret History despite having started and quit well over 60 other novels.   “I’d heard great things about it, and honestly, from the first page I was hooked,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Wow, listen to that! I never thought anyone actually meant it when they used that phrase!”   Sourc ..read more

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