Much to many absent fake plant parents’ dismay, a new report coming out of Cornell University’s School of Horticultural Science has declared that just because a fake plant doesn’t need water doesn’t mean it wouldn’t still really enjoy some.   Scientists at the university explained that this finding should come as no surprise.   “It’s just common decency,” Lead Researcher Dr. Cynthia Bello told reporters. “You’d offer a guest a glass of water, no matter how fake they were, wouldn’t you? So, why not extend that same courtesy to your fake house plants?”   The study recorded various ..read more

Finally seeing the light all the way from Greenville, SC, 27-year-old Winnie Park just read a book all the way through and is starting to understand what all the fuss is about.   Winnie, who readily admits she has not read a book cover-to-cover since college, started and finished The Secret History despite having started and quit well over 60 other novels.   “I’d heard great things about it, and honestly, from the first page I was hooked,” she told reporters gathered at the scene. “Wow, listen to that! I never thought anyone actually meant it when they used that phrase!”   Sourc ..read more

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In a devastating story emerging from San Francisco, CA, 24-year-old Tiara Wilkins just deleted TikTok from her phone for the sake of her mental health, but now she has, like, nothing left to talk about.    “I was spending hours on TikTok every day,” Tiara told reporters gathered at the scene. “And it was starting to take a toll on my mood and wellbeing. I knew I had to delete it, but I didn’t realize how much space TikTok videos and trends take up in my conversational lexicon. I have nothing left.”   Tiara realized this was a problem when her friend asked what she’d been up to ..read more

While some individuals maintain the same favorite movie over countless years, others, like 27-year-old Monica Lawton, claim their favorite movie is whichever one they just saw.   Wow! How open-minded!   “I don’t know how some people never have a new favorite movie,” Monica told reporters. “Whenever I watch a movie…that’s my new favorite movie. Maybe I just have a short memory or something, but walking out of the theater, having just chilled for an hour and a half and consumed a large popcorn and slushy, it’s like…yeah, that’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”   Makes sense!   ..read more

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Long-assumed to be a fruitless endeavor, joining a conversation without bringing up your cats has left cat-owners everywhere sidelined for years. But no more! Recent sociological breakthroughs have now made it possible to jump into the conversation without bringing up that cute thing your feline companion did the other day. Just follow these simple steps, and you’ll be engaging in cat-free small talk in no time, for better or worse!   Ask questions. If you can’t talk about what you want to talk about – your beloved cats – then ask questions about what other people are talking about! It’s ..read more