Tech companies often get demonized as soulless and profit-driven, but one of the giants of the industry is going out of their way to prove the naysayers wrong: Facebook will begin conducting automatic wellness checks for anyone still using Facebook! This is so beautiful to see. If more companies cared about their customers like this, the world would be a better place. “At this point, we can’t think of a single healthy reason why anyone would still be using our platform, and we have no choice but to conclude that people still on Facebook are struggling with something dark,” said a statement rel ..read more

Squidward J. Q. Tentacles…what are we going to do with you? Sigh. Everyone wants to masturbate to Squidward, but sometimes, he can make it almost impossible (almost). Here are three things that turn jerking off to Squidward into a serious uphill battle. 1. His negative attitude  Ugh. A squid who walks upright, plays the clarinet, and lives next to SpongeBob?! Everything about Squidward checks out as premium spank-bank material…except his poor attitude. Each time he makes a condescending remark to SpongeBob and Patrick, or acts like he’s above working at the Krabby Patty, or complains abou ..read more

If you need any more proof that Fahrenheit 451 is becoming a reality in American society, look no further: This Alabama school district just banned the young adult classic Mr. Potato Head’s Guide To Tantric Massage from its libraries. Absolutely shameful. This book has been cherished by young adult readers for generations!  Earlier this week, Alabama’s Calhoun County School District unanimously voted to pull all copies of Mr. Potato Head’s Guide To Tantric Massage from school libraries, referring to the 2,000-page book’s descriptions of Mr. Potato Head using his removable limbs to perform ..read more

Whether it’s to flirt, express disappointment at your service, or simply spread the word of God, a restaurant receipt is a great place to leave a little note for your waitress. How many of these notes have you written to your waitress on your receipt?     ..read more

Search the entire history of American politics, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a more masterful campaign stratagem than this: President Biden just solemnly pushed a figurine that looks exactly like him across a tabletop map towards a dot labeled “McDonald’s.” We are truly witnessing a grandmaster at work…Mr. Biden has just thrown down the gauntlet in his bid for the 2024 election. With hurdles continuing to mount between President Biden and his shot at a second term, the President convened his closest aides in the Biden 2024 war room today, where they quickly began poring over a massive ta ..read more

We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but there’s a tragic breaking story today that we just can’t ignore: All three of the Three Stooges are probably dead by now.  Oooof. This is a day that will live in infamy for fans of black-and-white slapstick antics everywhere.  Yep, it just seems impossible that at this point Larry, Curvy, and the other one could still be alive. Yesterday, there may have been a .0001% chance that one of them was, like, in a coma at 123 years old or something, but today is the day that is just no longer possible. Even assuming that they were all in their mid-t ..read more

A few years ago I bought a house that was located right in the middle of a golf course. I wanted to be able to watch golf through my window. The house cost me the entirety of my life savings from 25 years as a travel agent arranging vacations for people who like to visit movie theaters in different countries. I thought it would be great to live in a house on a golf course, but unfortunately the golf course is also home to a few miserable hags who live near the water hazard and make my life difficult. Some of them are worse than others. Here are the five miserable hags of the water&nb ..read more

If you’re the parent of young children or even just a kid at heart, there’s some great news that you’ve probably been waiting to hear for a long time: Build-A-Bear Workshop will now give you the option to have your toy bear stuffed with a bunch of live mice and chipmunks.  So much yes! Finally, an opportunity to create a stuffed animal that is truly custom.  The company announced the new offering on their website this morning in promotional copy that read, “Looking for something different? Build-A-Bear will now offer a premium stuffing material composed of a 60/40 mix of mice and chi ..read more

Quantum physics represents the cutting edge of modern physics, or so we’ve been told. It explains everything from the behavior of atoms to the multiverse to the size of the sun, probably. Honestly, we tried to do some research and it’s pretty confusing. It’s not the type of thing you can just sort of look up online. Seems like a lot of math is involved and maybe some other stuff too. Still, if you’re interested in learning the basics of quantum physics, we’ll give it our best shot to explain it to you in a way you’ll understand. It might not be totally accurate, but it will be cool to think ab ..read more

Welp, the USPS may have a scandal on their hands, all thanks to one postal worker who’s romantic life is brewing up some serious conflicts of interest: This mailman is dating one of the mailboxes on his route. Wow. If the USPS doesn’t have a policy about mailman dating mailboxes, they should probably make one. Mailman George Bryant, 46, has been going steady with a mailbox in the suburbs of Atlanta for nearly five months according to residents along his route, who report seeing Bryant spend significantly more time with the mailbox in question than any of the others he services. In the fall, ne ..read more