Despite near-constant whining about how impossible it is to be a mother, really, it’s simple: you just have to be perfect. No, not like that. Not annoyingly perfect, like a show-off or something. You need to be effortless and self-deprecating in your perfection. Not that self-deprecating—is this a joke to you? Are you mocking the moms out there who are struggling? Honestly, how hard is it to be perfect in a precise, scientifically calibrated way designed to be 100 percent infallible without ever being exhausted, needing a break, or losing your cool for a single second from the time your childr ..read more

When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she’ll explore the anthropological strangeness of this new place, the mysteries of the body, and how facing death distills life into its purest form: funny, terrifying, and sublime. - - - Read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, and Part VI ..read more

Dear Parent, This is an automatically generated message. A sweep of our camp registration system indicates we’re missing information we need in order to welcome your camper. The due date for this information has passed, and if we don’t receive it by the end of the day, your camper will be unable to join us. Please upload the following item(s): PERSEPHONE CODEX. For your convenience, below is a checklist of the records that staff must receive by no later than two weeks ago. Your checklist has eighteen green checkmarks and one enormous red X. The X is next to: PERSEPHONE CODEX Your missing PERSE ..read more

Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enough, she’d achieve them. The small catch was that Walker’s dream was an elusive one for any cash-strapped and undereducated Black woman: being a New York Times–bestselling author. Now, as a published non-bestselling author, she wishes she’d had a backup plan. - - - In the woebegone days of Jim Crow in the dusty and dirty ..read more

WHAT TO INCLUDE: Mystical Language You want to make sure the overall vibe meets expectations. The tone cannot be contemporary, because that is not what the audience paid to read. Motherlands and fatherlands should be referenced lyrically as if they are fantasy worlds. Anything that emphasizes that this isn’t a real, living person’s story; it’s an AAPI story—the Perfect AAPI Story. Food It’s an easy entry point, so it needs to be a focus. Treat the food as a primary character and the people as secondary characters. Make it abundant and familiar—a table filled with dumplings, pad thai, sushi, an ..read more

There’s a lot of talk about what should be done to fix education in America, like increasing federal funding, decreasing class sizes, increasing teacher salaries, and investing in better teacher preparation. These are all nice ideas, but they’re totally abstract and conceptual. They’re not things any modern country could actually do.1 If we really want to fix American schools, we need more Learning Outcomes. Learning Outcomes are the things that captivate children. Learning Outcomes help children to identify, comprehend, and synthesize their dreams. When I was a child, my teacher took us into ..read more

- - - The world has changed in the hundred years since A. A. Milne introduced us to Winnie-the-Pooh and his pals, but that doesn’t mean our lovable friends haven’t adapted to life in the twenty-first century. This heartwarming, laugh-out-loud parody—by frequent McSweeney’s contributor Jennie Egerdie—takes us along for some marvelous misadventures as the gang grapples with modern life’s headaches and pesky predicaments. Today, we’re happy to offer an excerpt from Oh, Bother. - - - Session 1 Deep in the Hundred Acre Wood, in a sensibly furnished den, Eeyore shared feelings of inadequacy with hi ..read more

No, sweetheart. Don’t worry. They’re just pretend. Oh dear. I left my laptop open, and you read a LinkedIn post from an “Entrepreneur, Change Agent, Futurist, Success Enabler, Innovator & Investor.” And now you can’t sleep. Let me see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense. You know how you make up those amazing stories about dragons and flying unicorns? And you have all of these really special ideas no one has ever heard before, and we tell you that you have such a big imagination? Sometimes, grown-ups make up stories, too, and post them on LinkedIn. Except their ideas aren’t spe ..read more

1. Hypothetical Health Badge. When you resolve to start flossing every day. You don’t, of course, but even thinking about doing this is pretty impressive. 2. Reluctantly Pretentious Badge. When you start calling your significant other “partner” because no other label really fits. 3. Intimacy Badge. When you realize that the longest relationship of your life has been with the apple you carry to and from work every day but never eat. 4. Pillow Power Badge. When you realize the amount of energy it takes to resist buying inspirational throw pillows is clearly not worth it. 5. Convenient Excuse ..read more

Yes, fine, kaadu egg on my face—I unwittingly designed a planet-destroying, fully armed, and operational battle station. But put yourself in my shoes: you’re a mid-tier, ambitious architect, and you get singled out of your whole firm, Coruscant Skyline Legacy, to design the biggest, baddest, bestest galactic RESORT FOR MILITARY PERSONNEL ever conceived… I don’t think you’d be asking too many questions either. Soldiers deserve respite! You would have said yes too. The Emperor paid 100,000,000 credits. That paid off my mortgage, a winter home on Tatooine (I’m a snowbird, I know), future Galactic ..read more