CERTAIN songs are so annoying or inappropriate it’s only fair buskers lose earnings for playing them. Here are some it’s fine to dip into their guitar case for. Yellow, Coldplay (2000) If you’re out with your kids you’ve already had your fill of whinging, so the last thing you need to hear is this bedwetter’s anthem. You don’t know what the lyrics are, but the high-pitched moaning could very easily be ‘I’m thirsty and my legs are tired’. Any busker inflicting this upon an unsuspecting audience owes everyone at least a tenner just for reminding them that Coldplay exist. Hey Jude, The Beatles (1 ..read more

DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives: Swifties Are you an uneducated philistine who has the temerity to consider for even a moment that Taylor Swift may not be the pinnacle of 300,000 years of human culture, and perhaps even God herself? Then watch your back, because the Swifties will find out, and they will come for you. What’s it like having your spleen removed via your arsehole because you think Tortured Poets Department is a stupid title for an album by a billionaire ..read more

LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain. The plan to stand back, do nothing and let every terrible, failing rail franchise in the country revert to state ownership sets a worrying precedent of common-sense decisions that will pay off. Westminster journalist Sue Traherne said: “It begins with nationalising rail. It could end with nurses being paid a living wage. That’s what we’re facing. “It’s easy to say ‘stop dumping sewage in the sea’ or ‘build more windfarms’ or ‘why have we privatised all ..read more

NIGEL Farage and Lee Anderson having full sex live on GB News does not contravene election coverage rules, according to Ofcom. The TV watchdog said that if the former UKIP leader and dense ex-miner began kissing, followed by increasingly heavy petting and ultimately penetrative sex, it would fall into the category of ‘erotic programming’. An Ofcom spokesperson said: “Nigel and Lee having sex is acceptable because there is no consensus on whether we should ban news shows hosted by politicians. Nor is it our job to censor hot man-on-man action. In fact I’m not entirely sure what it is we do. “A ..read more

THE Household Cavalry horses who rampaged through London are keen to turn their 15 minutes of fame into lucrative media careers. Having gone viral after galloping through London and kicking a bus, the horses feel they could emulate the ‘Scottish Oompa Loompa woman’, and have signed up with a talent agency to further their burgeoning stardom. Agent Martin Bishop said: “If a nonentity like the parish council Zoom meeting lady Jackie Weaver can land a publishing deal, I reckon I can get these guys on Would I Lie To You? no problem. “Millions of people are surely gagging to see what they’ll gallop ..read more

..read more

RISHI Sunak is increasing defence spending and preparing for war. Would you send your children to battle under his indefatigable command?  Jim Bates, broadband installer: “My son would fight under a Tory government only. He’s not dressing up in a rainbow uniform for Starmer’s Woke Forces invading Texas in response to misgendering tweets.” Susan Traherne, mole exterminator: “I’ve prepared my two lads for war with daily 16-hour Xbox sessions, rain or shine. Got them desensitised and drone-ready.” Lucy Parry, historian: “People sneer at Sunak but his small stature would make him a perfect tu ..read more

THE British media is heaping praise on the Princess of Wales’ bang-average photo of Prince Louis in a desperate bid to make amends, it has emerged. After scrutinising Princess Kate’s edited Mother’s Day photo so relentlessly that she felt obliged to reveal she has cancer, the British media has taken a more lenient approach to her pedestrian birthday snap of Prince Louis. Journalist Norman Steele said: “Wow. There it is. A smiling boy wearing a shirt lying on some out-of-focus grass. Ansel Adams would be proud. “To the layman it looks like the stock image that comes with a photo frame. But beca ..read more

A GENUINE apology from a woman’s boyfriend has stripped all the joy from her righteous indignation.   After Joe Turner forgot about his date night with Charlotte Turner, she intended to spread her fury over several days. However, his authentic and heartfelt apology scuppered her carefully laid plans for making his life hell. Phelps said: “First he ruins our date night, and then he deprives me of the fun of being in a mood for a week. Is there anything this man won’t take from me? “I knew exactly how I was going to make him suffer. No sex, or any physical affection at all for that mat ..read more

A JUDGE has ruled that saying ‘back in your day’ to an older colleague could be considered age harassment. Here are some phrases young people had better not say to you, then. ‘I can’t imagine smoking in a pub’ F**k off. This is an obvious reference to you being middle-aged. The smoking ban came in in 2007, which is practically yesterday, and your Gen Z colleague is clearly mocking you because it’s easy to imagine smoking in a pub – just visualise having a pint in a burning building but everyone is strangely calm. That’s £20,000 compensation please, Mr Employer. ‘Back in your day…’ What era was ..read more