OPINION “Here we go again. Some bird from the ABC called Lara Bingle, or something like that, says we’re all racist. Well enough’s enough. I’m sick and tired of it. Like I said to my Uber driver the other day (after I’d finished telling him his lot was responsible for pushing up housing prices), there’s no racism here mate, and you can piss off back to Pakistan if you don’t agree. He said he was born in Sydney. Well, like I told him, he certainly didn’t look like someone who was born in Sydney. You know what he did look like? He looked exactly like the type of person who would have a whinge ab ..read more

An un-named extra in the 1992 film Home Alone 2 has been found guilty by a New York jury of falsifying business documents.  The man, believed to now be in his 70s, has just one line in the film – “Down the hall and to the left” – which is coincidentally the same words that officers will use when showing him to his prison cell in the coming weeks. Since his 1992 role, the actor gained occasional roles play-acting the part of a successful businessman and, more recently, pretending to be the US President. He is expected to be sentenced in coming days once authorities can find cuffs small eno ..read more

Scott Morrison says he was left with no choice but to join deep-sea mining organisation Seafloor Minerals, after attempts to find people to buy his book on land failed. “We’ve looked everywhere, across several continents, to try and find someone who would want to spend $29.95 on a 270-page book about how God chose me to be Prime Minister, but unfortunately there were no takers,” Morrison explained. “But we never give up. As God says in Matthew 7:8, ‘Seek and ye shall find’, which roughly translates to ‘If you’re desperate for money, join a multi-national deep-sea mining company with Mike Pompe ..read more

A dark web group claiming to have hacked the data of hundreds of millions of Ticketmaster customers has demanded the company pay them US$500,000 – or $45 million total when you include the extra processing and handling fees. In a note posted online (which Ticketmaster was told they could print at home for a small $600,000 fee) the group ShinyHunters said they would release the 1.3 terabytes of customer data as soon as the ransom was paid. “The cost for the ransom is $500,000. Your total ransom amount will be calculated on the next page. Would you like to upgrade to a special souvenir, limited ..read more

The Biden Administration called an emergency meeting this morning after it learnt that the state-of-the-art weaponry it has been selling to Israel for the past half century is being deployed for its intended use. A White House spokesperson expressed ‘strong concern’ for the situation in Gaza, saying Israel had crossed a line. “When we sold Israel these missiles we had no idea that they intended to actually use them. We thought they were just collecting them as a hobby, or melting them down and turning them into jewellery or something” a White House spokesperson said today. “We’re been shocked ..read more

Britain’s Oxford-educated billionaire Tory Prime Minister Rishi Sunak says his signature election policy has been misunderstood, explaining that he wants every British 18-year-old to contribute to the design and manufacture of bespoke headwear, not the armed forces. “This is an uncertain world, and there are forces trying to divide our society. It is time to create a new version of the National Service whereby young men and women design exquisite hats for every occasion,” Sunak said this morning while standing in a tropical storm. “The world is more uncertain now than at any time since the Col ..read more

Stringent new measures announced by the Coalition would require migrants to arrive at Australian airports with a visa, a security clearance and a three-to-four-bedroom house. Announcing the new policy, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton said it was reasonable to request those entering the country to provide their own accommodation. “It’s common practice for people to bring clothes with them, so I’m not sure why it’s so controversial to suggest they bring their housing with them too. “I think it’s more than reasonable. Luggage allowances on commercial airlines are very generous these days, especial ..read more

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has denied claims he treated his tenant unfairly by evicting him, saying he made a very generous offer of free accommodation in one of the Government’s ‘tropical serviced apartments’. Home affairs Minister Claire O’Neill said it was standard procedure to offer low-income earning vulnerable people the special accommodation option if they bothered the Government enough. “It’s a great option. They’re fully catered, very secure, in a great community of like-minded people. But mainly just very secure,” she said. The PM also spoke out on the issue. “This reminds me of ..read more

Property investors around Australia say their unanimous snap decision to raise rents by precisely $300 per year, has nothing to do with the Government’s $300 cost of living payment, announced in last night’s budget. “It’s totally a coincidence,” one landlord said. “Although, even if it wasn’t, the $300 is allocated per household, and that property is my house, so I think it’s best I hang onto that”. Another landlord said the two things weren’t related. “Is the fact that my tenants will all of a sudden have an extra $300 cash linked to my decision this morning to raise their annual rent by $300 ..read more

The Ellis family from Melbourne says the unexpected $300 windfall announced in last night’s budget is a game-changer, and will allow them to finally purchase their first 1kg block of Tasty Coles home brand cheese. “We’ve been saving up for a deposit on a 500g block for a few years now. But this new cash injection from the Government should allow us to buy a 1kg block outright. We’re pinching ourselves,” Chloe Ellis, 35 explained. “Having your own block of cheese really is the Australian dream. The kids are really excited. Phoebe has never had cheese before,” she said. With the $300 rebate comi ..read more