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The great jazz musician Miles Davis is reported to have said, “When you hit a wrong note, it’s the next note that you play that determines if it’s good or bad.” The next note can make the situation worse, or it can make what seemed like a wrong note sound right. This is true for music, and it is double true when you are telling your family that you are leaving the church. After the initial, “I’m leaving” or “I have left the church,” what comes next can make all of the difference between being welcomed and having the family tell you, come Thanksgiving, to imitate Judas at the end of the Last Su ..read more

The Wildly Popular though Now Discontinued Manual Salt Lake City, UT—The church announced today that it is discontinuing the use of its long-standing Nursery manual titled “She’s Never Coming Back!” “That manual has been like scripture for us,” said Max Fielding, who works in the Nursery with his wife Kelly in the Terra Haute Third ward. “It is because of the manual’s music suggestion that I got back into the guitar.” Fielding elaborated that “it really set the right tone for the little kids when they heard the amplifier playing ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ on so many sabbath mornings.” Fi ..read more

Early Concept for a Program Logo Salt Lake City, UT—At morning press conference broadcast from Church headquarters, spokesperson Hillary Markeson announced the new LDS Plus program. “We are very excited,” said Markeson, “about how this program will give unprecedented access and freedom for those who value their membership enough to pitch in a little more to build the kingdom.” Markeson followed up that “for a mere one percent more in one’s annual tithing donations, members will get VIS treatment.” When asked if she meant “VIP,” Markeson clarified that no, “VIS” means “Very Important S ..read more

Sex has been filthy since the Fall It is a very difficult time to be a Mormon man. In the good old days, you could just point at the bed and your dutiful wife would do her wifely duty and lie completely inert while you took care of your urges. Heck, she might have even gotten a kid out of it! Today’s modern Mormon men don’t have the luxuries of the past, so the Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer is here for you. Use any or all of those time-tested methods, and you will get sex from a completely numb and disconnected wife. Properly Understand Sex. David might have killed Goliath, but sex kille ..read more

Don't Look for Uncle Carl in the One to the Left Highland, UT—It all started with Paistyn Healey and her family’s discussion of the plan of salvation. As Paistyn’s father Daniel explained that, in addition to the Celestial Kingdom, there were two other, lower degrees of glory, Paistyn asked what made someone miss out on living with God and their family forever and instead being consigned to a place either moon-like or star-like in its dimness. Paistyn’s father mentioned common shortcomings that would disqualify one from Celestial glory. Brother Healey could see that his curious eight ..read more

You can almost feel the holy just looking at it Salt Lake City, UT—Among the recent updates to the church’s General Handbook is a provision that allows priesthood holders to anoint the sick with Chick-fil-A sauce. “We simply want to expand the repertoire of holy substances that can be used to heal the sick,” said church spokesperson Daniel Fuller. Fuller continued that “we’ve all been caught, from time-to-time, without consecrated oil, but I know my van has at least four packs of Chick-fil-A sauce in it right now.” Fuller said that the “healing powers of Chick-fil-A’s signature sauce ..read more