One of the first memories I have is of standing in the dark, in the basement, inside a tiny walled off darkroom, next to my mother. The only light was from an enlarger as it illuminated the easel below it. I could see an image appear in negative under the light. I tried to recognize what it was. It appeared to be faces, but I didn’t know who the people were. They looked like smooth gray stone carvings while the sky behind them was eerily black. In the silence, my mother turned a knob to focus the image against the white of the easel, then she adjusted the easel to line it up so the image woul ..read more

I’m in a hamster-wheel, spinning, spinning, spinning. Every day is the same, every moment a repeat of the previous. That’s how my life has felt these past eighteen months. My partner, Sam, moved to New York City to care for his mother, after she’d fallen and it was discovered she was severely septic. She was hospitalized for over a month. Sam went to see her every other day, at first. The 90-mile drive from our home in Connecticut could be brutal. If he chose the wrong time of day, if the weather was poor, or there was a car accident, the 90-minute drive could stretch into many hours. Then add ..read more

On Sunday, December 1, 2019, we lost a magical being who took the form of a perpetually tiny tabby cat with extra toes, beaming bright green eyes, and a toothless mouth that left her bubblegum-pink tongue hanging out. Her name was Lillian Bubbles, aka Lil Bub, and she was only 8-years old. Over the past 6 years I’ve been fortunate to have crossed paths a time or two with this marvelous creature and her Dude, Mike Bridavsky. You can read about some of my exploits in Forever Bub and Lil Bub’s Lil Book Review. But this isn’t about rubbing shoulders with a celebucat, it’s about far more than ..read more

Dear Mama, I want you to understand something that’s going to be difficult to hear. I knew I was going to die. I know you were seeing the signs that my time was coming one day, but I could feel something was wrong. I could tell that my time was coming much sooner than you realized. I wish I could have told you, to spare you the shock of losing me. In truth, I knew I was going to die the last time we saw each other. I was grateful that it would be painless and quick for me, and that you didn’t have to see the vets trying to re-start my failed heart. I’m sure imagining it is bad enough on you ..read more

My Sweet Boy, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to write your Memorial, but I can’t look at photos of you for too long without losing it. Photos will be the key to show just what an amazing creature you were and I have thousands of photos to look over. So far I managed to look at about 100 before I just couldn’t look any longer. Yes, they bring up happy memories, but mostly it leaves my heart in ruins. Tomorrow will mark three weeks since you died unexpectedly during a dental procedure and the pain is worse now than when you died. I keep feeling like it’s been long enough that I haven’t s ..read more

Dear Mama, I can feel your heartache and hear you crying. I want to take your pain away, but I know you have to process the suddenness of my departure. I know it takes time. I hope my words help you heal, at least a little. Yes, I did send you some messages to you. You didn’t notice them all, but don’t worry. I will send more if you need them. I want you to know I’m okay. I’m free from my weak, old body. I’m free from pain and suffering. I’m simply, free. Please don’t cry. I promise we’ll be together again one day. You know we’re all just stardust in different shapes and forms. One day you’re ..read more

Dear Spencer, It’s been a week since you died. Numbness and depression has really sunk in. I’m alone. Sam still lives in NYC taking care of his mother most of the time. I’m tired. It’s been a year that he’s been gone. This should be resolved by now. I can’t care for this entire house, all the other cats, by myself. I didn’t sign up for that. Every day that passes, I get less and less interested in my life. I’m sorry to whine at you about it, but seeing you every day, talking to you, hearing your purr, really made it bearable. I just don’t have the connection to any of the other cats, the way ..read more

On September 5, 2019, my 18-yr old soul-cat, Spencer died unexpectedly during a procedure while sedated. If you'd like to read about his last few days you can go HERE and HERE. What I could never have imagined is that our connection didn't end on that fateful day. Because of the deep love we shared, a door remains open to us. It's a rare gift, only for those who have a magical bond with their companion animal. Instead of keeping this secret to myself, I decided to share it with the world. Please read on.   Dear Mama, I guess I better start off by saying, I’m sorry. I know you’re hurt ..read more

Gutted. I’m tempted to leave it at that, but I need to write about what happened a few hours ago. Writing keeps everyone away from me. I don’t need their awkward attempts to comfort me. No one knows what to say other than; “I’m so sorry.” or the line that makes my blood boil: “He’s in a better place.” He is NOT in a better place. His place is with ME. If he can’t be with me he is NOT in a better place. ----------------- This morning Spencer was in lovely spirits. He was happy, purring so loudly you could hear him across the room. He was still weak when he walked, but otherwise he was ..read more

Medical decision making for your cat is often complicated, especially when your cat doesn’t have a definitive diagnosis. We all struggle with what-to-do and how-it-should-best-be-done. Then there’s the added issue of costs. What if a test could give you clear insight into what is sickening your cat but it’s a budget-buster? What if the test doesn’t give you helpful results and you’re left as confused as you were before-and broke on top of it? What if it’s more challenging than that? What if your cat is elderly? Do you still make the same choices for them or do you give up and put them down ..read more