A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don ..read more

A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress. He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home. As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance.. “What’s up” says the acquaintance.. “Went to the other village to buy a mattress”.. “How much did you buy it for?” “200” “Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day”… The man is a little pissed but walks on…and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says.. “Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality ..read more

Whenever Little Johnny’s parents wanted some “alone time”, they would send him out to the front porch with a bowl of ice cream. This worked for a while, but eventually Little Johnny started eating the ice cream too quickly and would come back inside before his parents were done. So one day his mom came up with another idea to keep him occupied. While bringing him out to the front porch, she said: “Johnny, once you’ve finished your ice cream, I want you to survey the whole neighborhood and then report back on your findings.” He thought it was a fun idea and agreed, then his mom hurried back ins ..read more

A man is sitting at the bar, getting really drunk. When suddenly, the bartender announces last call. The man realizes he’s really, really drunk, and he needs to get home. When he tries to get off the bar stool, he realizes that he’s so wasted, he can’t even feel his legs. So he pushes himself off the stool and drags himself out of the bar on his forearms, army-style. He crawls his way down the street, into his house, and makes it onto his couch, where he passes out. In the morning, his wife wakes him up, screaming. “You son-of-a-bitch, you came home wasted again, didn’t you?!” “What?! No!” Exc ..read more

A housewife tells her husband Dugly that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day. He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted. Finally the bartender says, “Dugly, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.” Dugly agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws u ..read more

A good friend of mine owns a boat. A few days ago I went down to the docks and saw him sitting on the deck of his boat with a huge smile on his face. I asked,” why are you so happy bud?” He replied “today I saw the hottest blonde ever and she wanted to go for a ride on my boat, took her out, shut the engine off and said, we can make love or you can swim back. It was some of the best sex of my life.” The next day I went to see him again, and he looked even happier. I asked again and he basically told me the same but with a redhead substituted for the blonde. Today when I went to see him he was ..read more

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?” Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown ..read more

A teacher explained biology to her 3rd-grade students. She said, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.” A little girl raised her hand saying, “I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.” The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. “Well,” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!” The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary.” The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went Ss ..read more

One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene. There was an old farmer was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, “Where are all of the politicians who were on the plane?” The farmer replied, “I dug a big hole with my tractor and buried them.” The police man asked, “How ..read more

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Aske ..read more