After decades of terrifying opponents and electrifying audiences as “The Undertaker,” a phantasmagorical character in wacky world of WWE wrestling, Mark Calaway is stepping into Whoopi Goldberg’s chair as co-host of daytime chat show The View. “I’m so honoured and flattered to be the first man — let alone the first Deadman — to co-host this beautiful program,” said Calaway during an ABC press conference this morning in Death Valley. “I’m not going to rest in peace — my zany sense of humour will have the rest of the hosts in pieces!” Although Calaway struggles with being typecast as “demonic un ..read more

Kabuki Tensai, a devious chess player billed from “The Orient,” recently defeated prodigious grandmaster Robby Phischer by spewing a noxious green mist into Phischer’s eyes and stealing his queen during the ensuing blindness and panic. Tensai, reportedly the eldest of Lord Tensai’s nine sons, burst onto the World Chess Federation (WCF) last month and has been dominating opponents by spewing green mist, throwing sumo salt, pantomiming kung fu maneuvers and other underhanded techniques that WCF play-by-play commentator Manilla Typhoon invariably describes as “a real Pearl Harbor job.” Science ha ..read more

Professional wrestling promoter Tony Khan has been accused of exaggerating his injuries after appearing at a press conference in full body traction, presumably due to the effects of being piledriven on his head by the Young Bucks (Matt and Tito Jackson). Khan, son of billionaire Shahid Khan and grandson of Mongolian wrestler Killer Khan, said that he had “umpteen broken bones” and “may never fully recover,” although no doctor would verify these claims. “Our X-rays show no broken bones,” said one Jacksonville doctor, “though the toxicology reports show extreme levels of [redacted] in his system ..read more

Vince McMahon, the disgraced former sports-entertainment mogul, is now struggling to pay the bills in his post-WWE career and is now performing on the independent (or “indy”) wrestling circuit as the nefarious Mistah McMann. Unable to use the ring name “Mr. McMahon” due to WWE’s ownership of the copyright, the once-powerful tycoon is now spending his weekends performing at legion halls and high school gymnasia around New York, Michigan and Ontario. This Friday night, for example, Mistah McMahon will be be in the corner of Aiden Rayne and Warhed when they battle Dem Dawgs at “Masters of the Reg ..read more

Dean Ambrose wrestlemania Fans of professional wrestling were first thrilled, then disappointed, at last week’s WrestleMania event when the entrance music for The Shield played but Dean Ambrose never found his way to the ring. In true Shield fashion, Ambrose and Seth Rollins approached the ring not via the usual entrance ramp, but through the audience at Philadelphia’s Lincoln Field, but the enormity of the venue left Ambrose disoriented and walking in circles. Whereas Rollins launched a failed attack in the ring, Ambrose grew increasingly more agitated as he navigated an endless maze of chair ..read more

Professional wrestling organization AEW (American Extreme Wrestling) earned some of its highest viewership numbers in months by airing a grainy clip of a minor backstage kerfuffle among unprofessional coworkers, so the company has announced that it will stream a 24-hour live video of AEW personnel, no matter where they are. “We don’t want our fans to miss any of the stupid crap that these clowns do backstage,” said a wild-eyed AEW promoter Tony Khan during the 4th hour of a manic late-night press conference livecast from his backyard pool. “Behold my dancing monkeys!” Khan said the new streami ..read more

Vince McMahon, once the most powerful person in pro wrestling as head of WWE, has fallen on hard times since being hit with accusations of impropriety and is now selling autographed photos of himself at pro wrestling conventions. The former mogul is now selling glossy 8X10 photographs of himself for $20 (autographed for $40), and he is taking independent bookings as the evil Mr. McMann character (because “Mr. McMahon” is a copyright owned by WWE). McMahon even performed as “Doink the Clown” on an independent wrestling event last weekend in Tallahassee, earning three hot dogs and two handshakes ..read more

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) made the bombshell announcement today that last weekend’s WrestleMania event — the 40th incarnation of the annual spectacle — was the final WrestleMania ever. “It’s time for a change,” said new WWE honcho Paul Levesque, who inherited the company from his very naughty father-in-law Vince McMahon. “WrestleMania has run its course over 40 years and it’s time for us to retire that brand. It’s what’s best for business.” Levesque (real name Jean-Pierre Laflouffle) said the company will replace WrestleMania with “something even bigger and better,” and hinted that i ..read more

A pair of self-absorbed dimwits who held aloft a pair of giant cardboard head through the entirety of WWE WrestleMania are now suffering from debilitating diarrhea, according to the hopes and dreams of countless wrestling fans. The selfish twits — let’s call them Mulva Twatterson and Dingus McDump — are, if there is any justice in the world, currently trapped inside a cheap Philadelphia motel room, taking turns heaving and retching and doubled-over on the toilet, wondering what they did to deserve this. According to our dream scenario, the imbeciles ate some bad tacos after ruining WrestleMani ..read more

The drama continues to escalate in AEW, as sources reveal that CM Punk is claiming that AEW boss Tony Khan told Jack Perry about Tony Schiavone claiming The Young Bucks had “heat” with Kenny Omega or something. According to one backstage source at AEW, who asked to be identified only as Christian C., Khan learned from Punk that Omega overheard the Young Bucks (Matt and Tito Jackson) relaying to Tony Schiavone via Jim Ross that there’s heat between Jake Perry and Jack Hagar and both Jays (Lethal and White), all stemming back to a backstage skirmish in which a bunch of these grown manchildren ha ..read more