Let’s pull on this moment like taffy and see what might be hidden there. You are doing important stuff. Somebody may even be paying you to do important stuff. And your kid shouts out to you from the other room. You hear it, but you don’t respond. Cause important stuff. She shouts again. You are irritable. You need to pay the rent, and your child needs you. It’s impossible. It’s not your fault. These are COVID times. Physical boundaries are down. There is no office to go to. Your kid sounds great by the way. She knows what she wants. She isn’t shy about demanding it. She tries twice. Yay you. Y ..read more

I dream of my toddler daughter. I’m changing a very full diaper. Louise, a female authority figure from a prior workplace, tells me by phone that I must bring the diaper to the doctor. I agree and look for it. I look in bags of trash. It is not there. I look all around the room, under the furniture. It is not there. What I need to find out if the baby is well has disappeared. I buy my daughter four dresses. Louise calls again and says I was only supposed to buy three. I will be sanctioned and my pay docked for losing the diaper and buying four instead of three. I go back and look again and fi ..read more

  Panic on a Saturday Afternoon Eva is in her 40s. Married. Two kids, job she loves, smart, funny. We’ve been working a long time at twice a week. I won’t say more to protect her privacy. She has given me permission to tell this piece of her story. For her birthday, a friend gives her a lesson in archery, so one snowy Saturday in January, the family piles into an Uber. Husband and kids learned archery at camp; Eva goes for her lesson. The hipster instructors drip sarcasm as they outline the safety measures and show how to thread the arrow into the bow. A surge of panic blindsides Eva. He ..read more

Trust comes slow and sweaty like fog. Happy New Year The New Year begins and the lousy articles on psychotherapy appear. Like this one in the Wall Street Journal: http://www.wsj.com/articles/how-to-know-if-your-therapy-is-working-1483272009?tesla=y Don’t Trust My advice? Don’t trust. Try to say your truth and notice how you feel. Something should begin inside. A process that’s difficult to describe, but let me try. I went into therapy after I got engaged. I was having panic attacks. My future husband’s therapist offered some names. Of course, I didn’t call them. Finally, he offered another ..read more

Name-calling, cursing, pushing, shoving, grabbing and worse. You can’t believe it got that far, but it did, and you don’t recognize yourself. Sounds like a rage attack. Anger plus panic til you reach a tipping point, and you are out of control. It feels like the other person is hurting you from the inside out and not the outside in. Fertile Ground for Anger: Anxiety and Depression Once you are in a full-on rage attack, any plea to “control” yourself is useless because the part of you that’s in charge has left the building. You have a better chance of modulating this behavior if you can catch ..read more

Workaholism Work a full day after dental surgery because after all, the dentist said that you would be fine. Ignore all evidence (pain, wooziness, irritability) that you are not fine, because, well, neglect is how it goes. Work is way more important that you. Pay slavish attention to the authority figures and not your own body/mind/spirit. Then resent, resent resent. NOBODY understands! Resentment When it’s finally the weekend and you can relax, swiffer the entire apartment and deep clean the kitchen because after all, a clean house is way more important that how you feel. Then resent, resent ..read more

The play space for toddlers at Washington Square Park is a slow, sweet spot. Babies learn to walk there and time stretches out like a summer afternoon. It’s also a good place to do impromptu baby watching. A truck backfires and the babies react. Some older toddlers look toward their caregivers and calm themselves. Others seek out their moms, dads, sisters and nannies, needing the closeness of another body to calm down. A few cry. And they are swooped up, patted and shushed until the tears stop. This is interpersonal stress regulation. A child is afraid, seeks out an adult and borrows that adul ..read more

The last time I saw my mother, I wore her favorite blouse, a brilliant orange and green splash of silk.  I flew down to DC from New York on a Sunday morning.  The previous Thursday, Mom had gotten up only briefly and had then gone back to bed.  No rally against the stomach cancer this time. Warm, soft air washes over me as I exit the airport.  Sharp winter still grips New York, but Washington blooms.  Armies of landscapers turn the dark, moist earth and plant islands of impatiens.  Pink, fuchsia and white, my mother’s favorite colors.  I catch the Metro to Gl ..read more