We are all experiencing grief. Sometimes we hide it well, other times it grabs us and we’re afraid it will pull us under. When we stop to think about what we’ve lost we feel a sense of heaviness. We may be grieving different things, but we are all feeling it. When I am overcome by a difficult emotion, like grief, I tend to respond with my long-standing strategies of distraction, avoidance, and numbing. I either ignore the feeling, resist it, or shut it down. But a part of me knows these familiar strategies are not going to help me move through my difficult emotions. The only way to get relief ..read more

As a kid when someone called me an unkind name, I would sometimes respond with the familiar adage, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This saying has a nice ring to it, but as an adult I know it’s a lie. The truth is that while most of our scrapes, bruises, and broken bones will heal, the harsh words we hear about ourselves often stay with us forever. The names other people call us, or we call ourselves, sometimes get stuck deep inside and can make it hard for us to know our own worth and value. The harsh words we should let roll off our backs instead harden ..read more

Have you ever walked away from a generally positive meeting and noticed your brain zeroing in on the one negative moment? If so, you are not alone. This is the way brains work! When we feel stressed and overwhelmed our brain responds by narrowing our focus, scanning for danger, and pouring mental energy into identifying problems rather than finding solutions. This is our hard-wired negativity bias in action. But once we become aware of our brain’s natural tendency to respond this way, we can discover ways to interrupt the negativity cycle. We can redirect our own focus and energy toward the mo ..read more

We are living through a time of unprecedented anxiety and uncertainty. For those of us who struggle with anxiety even in more normal times, the current state of the world can feel overwhelming and paralyzing. Many of us are searching desperately for some measure of control because we want this agonizing feeling to go away. But sometimes we can’t change the world around us. Though we may be powerless to end a global pandemic or a war in Europe, we are not powerless when it comes to dealing with our own anxiety. There are tools we can use to help us manage our feelings of fear and depletion. One ..read more

The other day I was late to an appointment I had been looking forward to. I felt frustrated with myself for missing something I actually wanted to do. I was angry at my dog for delaying me, angry with the other cars on the road: It was an unpleasant drive! Moments like these remind me of a skill I teach to clients: “radical acceptance.” On my drive, I tried to practice radical acceptance by pausing and noticing that my anger was only making me feel worse and it was likely to spoil the rest of my day. I validated the anger, telling myself: “It makes sense that you are frustrated and disappointe ..read more

The new year often brings a desire for a fresh start. As the calendar turns it prompts us to think about changes we want to make in our lives. If you look at the January store sales, you would think the way to make lasting change is to buy new workout gear or organizational storage! Our culture talks about change as a “do it all at once, right now” process. But research shows new habits take time to build and they are more likely to endure if we are compassionate with ourselves instead of demanding immediate change. Making lasting change in our habits requires patience, practice, self-kindness ..read more

Loneliness is a particularly painful feeling during the winter holidays. Though we are often surrounded by family, we may still feel disconnected or alone. If we have lost loved ones, the grief can intensify around the holidays. A self-compassion break is a practice we can use in moments of grief, family conflict, or disconnection. You can do this as a journaling practice, a meditation practice, or just pause and think through these steps. Begin by simply bringing to mind the relationship you are struggling with, or the person you are missing, and just notice how you feel. Try not to judge you ..read more

During the winter holidays we see a lot of messaging about everything being merry and bright. There is a cultural focus on gratitude and strong pressure to spend time with family. For many of us, though, the holidays also bring extra stress, grief, and pain. Though we may feel sad or hurt at other times of the year, around the holidays those feelings are magnified by the belief that everyone else is happy and enjoying the holiday season. Part of the reason we stay busy during the holidays is to avoid our own internal experience, because there is pain inside we would rather not feel. When we ru ..read more

Did you know that our brains are evolved to feel what other people are feeling in our own body? Our mirror neurons can feel our child’s anxiety or our partner’s frustration. If we work in a helping profession or have multiple caregiving roles, we are especially susceptible to what we often call “compassion fatigue”. But compassion and self-compassion can actually be a resource for us when we are up close to the suffering of others. Empathizing with others means we feel what they are feeling. But compassion allows us to say, “I can hold space for your struggles” rather than “I carry your strugg ..read more

Often when I feel hurt, overwhelmed or frustrated, I have a second set of feelings that are judgmental of the first set. I notice myself feeling resentful about all the caretaking I’m doing and then I feel guilty for not counting my blessings. I notice feeling hurt about a loved one not meeting a need of mine and then I feel annoyed with myself for being so needy or sensitive. This is sometimes called The Second Arrow. The first arrow is the painful moment we are in and the second arrow is our criticism of our pain. The second arrow adds more suffering to the painful moment by judging or inval ..read more