Part two or memory two of this series that I’m doing through this year took place less than a year after the first one when I was diagnosed. June 16th, 2016 Durham North Carolina at Duke Cancer Center and later the hotel that we stayed in The lodge at Duke Medical center. This is a memory of a day that has shaped my life every single second sense and will for the rest of my life. This was the moment the word forever changed and had a different meaning to me and became a real measurement of time. This memory encompasses about 12 hours. It is a visual sense driven but at the same time the memory ..read more

What makes a memory more important or more vivid more memorable than others? What makes it where you can remember the colors the Sounds the smells the emotions and feelings you were having at that exact moment? lm not sure, I’ve had experiences like this during good moments and sad moments, during seemingly unimportant times and at watershed moments in my life. But even these are different than the moments burned into my mind my soul my very being when it comes to certain memories from my life with cancer. One time every 2 months over the course of 2023 in going give you full access to these m ..read more

2022 chemo Each year this is a way for me to visually see what ive made it through what ive lived through and overcame. Here is my updated Life with Cancer by the numbers as of 12/31/2022 2675 days since diagnosis of colon cancer 9/4/2015 87 months 382 weeks 1 diagnosis of lynch syndrome 1 diagnosis of Celiac Disease 1 cancer reccurence 25% 5 year survival rate 157 lbs lost from heaviest 315 was at my smallest 158lbs 75 nights spent in the hospital 3 emergency room trips 1 ambulance ride 10 surgeries 1 MRSA carrier diagnosis 1 picc line for 9 months 2 chemo ports double port now 80% of my colo ..read more

Am I a burden to myself? My family? My friends? The communities im a part of? The world? This question might seem dark it might seem pointless to some it might seem like a dumb question or me seeking validation or sympathy ive had all those thoughts and questions, but its a true feeling and honest question I have at times and im sure many if not all of my fellow cancer survivors have or had at some point. This is just me pulling up my mask and showing my insecurities my worries and fears from my view and whats inside my mind and heart. What is a burden? It is someone that is very difficult to ..read more

September 25th. So I guess im 35 years old now, growing up this age or around 35 always seemed so old so adult yet im here and feel like the farthest thing from a adult there is. Im 35 what do I have to show for it?  Why dont I feel like a adult when looking at family or friends or other peoples? How did I even make it to 35? Birthdays bring up alot, here is this 35 year olds thoughts and feelings on my birthday. When I was younger I had a idea of what I thought being a adult was, it was what I seen my mom my stepdad my dad my aunts uncles grandparents all do daily and my whole life they ..read more

7 years ago it was September 4th 2015 the Friday of Labor Day weekend up untill then it was my favorite weekend of the year opening weekend of college football but ill never think of that weekend the same again. Its been 7 years or 84 months or 2557 days since that Friday and not one has went by without it impacting me without me in multiple ways. I call this my diagnosis date because when they said I had a mass and it could be cancer I 100% knew it was. all the dots finally connected. Being diagnosed with colon cancer changed my life in every way possible, for 7 years ive tried to navigate an ..read more

Content warning: First off before any word is written or read if you need help reach out if suicide or suicidal thoughts are impacting your life. National Suicide Prevention 988 In part 1 I introduced myself and what led me to come face to face with suicidal thoughts and come one step away from it, in part 2 my life doesn’t get easier actually I came to find out I had not hit the bottem yet physically mentally emotionally or  just life in general. Life was about to show how hard it could hit when trying to give that knockout punch. Part 1 left off being saved my a random phone call from ..read more

Content warning: First off before any word is written or read if you need help reach out if suicide or suicidal thoughts are impacting your life. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 This is a very tough subject a very tough time in my life to talk about, being so low being so sad, so mad at everything, so disappointed in myself and done with my life is how I felt. This world is scary enough and to talk about this subject im still struggling with embarrassment and shame of almost going through with it. Ive felt its time though so im going all in the whole experience in a 2 part ..read more

Ive talked in the first 2 parts of this 3 part blog subject about what a round of chemo is really like from the eyes the mind body and soul of a cancer survivor. But there is another group that im part of that has a different hurdle a different mental obstacle physically and especially mentally. Chemo for life, words you never want to hear or experience but for someone like me its the only reason im still alive, that said its been hell being on active cancer treatment since June 20th 2016. Chemo for life is a different animal a different mountain than what a chemo round was before for a few re ..read more

Chemotherapy is depicted on TV in movies even stories as predominantly impacting a cancer paitent in a physical way, and while it is absolutely hell on your physical body as I wrote in detail about in part 1, but it fails in comparison to what a chemo treatment does to me mentally. From the anxiety that creeps into every part of life in the days leading up to it, the dread that overtakes my mood, the anger and sadness as im going and numbness on top of all other mental peaks and valleys during infusion and the steriod high. The side effects impact how good or bad tbr mental health is. Now this ..read more