I’m still here. I’m still talking to you. You if you’re reading. Him if he’s somehow somewhere aware that I’m writing. Sometimes I feel like he’s listening. Sometimes I feel like he’s here, I guess maybe it’s an echo of his presence which, if I close my eyes, I can almost feel. He’s just there, just out of reach but…oh so close. There’s comfort in that. Sometimes. And you have to take comfort where you can. There’s precious little of it floating around, after all. I’m doing ok. Mostly. Well. Ok, maybe not. Depends when you ask me. It’s all so variable. Actually, today, I’ve had a really good d ..read more

“It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.” Other than the odd member of staff in shops and the like, and my fab physio, I haven’t spoken to anyone in person since Sunday night. I’ve barely spoken to anyone on the phone, or on social media. By which I mean people who are my people, not family. Or at the very least acquaintances. Either way, seen or spoken to neither. Sometime earlier this week I was out and about. On my own, obvs. At one point I realised that absolutely nobody knew where I was or what I was doing. Which was and is a very weird and strange feeling. I haven’t ..read more

Yes it’s been a while. Which probably means you won’t mind me wasting your time with a simile. At least I think it’s a simile, not a metaphor, but maybe it’s just a silly me? Anyway… “Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need. I say love, it is a flower, and you, its only seed” And here’s my bit: I say grief is like the moon. It is always there. It waxes and it wanes. It affects everything you do, feel, are, to a lesser or greater degree. And anniversaries are like the supermoons, when grief comes closer, and looms larger. Tomorrow, or is it today?, marks three years since his life ..read more

I sat outside a pub for a quiet drink and to read earlier. And sat outside the other pub was someone who looked a lot like Matt. Which was a bit…unsettling. Because of course it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be. Could it? Much though I wish I haven’t, I have a fair few crystal clear memories that remind me that it couldn’t be. And probably PTSD. But…what if it was? But if it was, that would mean he’d come back, but he hadn’t come back to me… And that would be just hideous… Round and round the mind goes, spiralling downwards… Of course it wasn’t him. I don’t know what I’d have done if it had been, an ..read more

Two years passed, and now nearly another 2 months more since then. It could be two years, twenty years, two hundred years…but sometimes it’s two seconds. When I let myself remember it all, it’s like I’m actually there, and I’ve just slipped back into my head back then, and no time has passed at all. It’s all just as vivid as ever it was…and I can play it all over and over… All my memories of us are like that. Sharp technicolour. They don’t fade, I just try not to visit. Too long. Too soon. Too real. The days are passing. Time is filled. But I’m not getting anywhere. I’m just treading water. Bu ..read more

I want to write. But I’m worried that if I write how I feel, that I will be judged, That there will be people out there going, “really?” “you haven’t gotten over it yet?”. And even if they’re not saying it, a bit of me is hearing it… And no. I’m not over it. I’m not even moving forward with it. A few days ago it was his 50th birthday. A milestone he will never reach. And a milestone that I will reach ahead of him. On my own. I will be older than he ever was. It was not a good day. A lonely day in a very specific way. I do sometimes have better patches. But the bad patches are just as bad, if n ..read more

Today I had to give my Mum a bath, and wash her hair. And I now have some very complicated complex emotions going on inside, related to that. Not least of which is…he promised me he was going to be with me through what was clearly coming. And he knew what that was, he’d been there before. He promised. He promised… But he’s not here. is he? Over and over again, all the time, I’m reminded he is not here. Like I didn’t know that. Like I don’t think about that 24/7. Like I don’t spend all that time wishing he was still here, wishing he would come back… Like there isn’t a constant void where he use ..read more

When I got married I settled. I knew that when I did it. I was so scared that no-one would ever love me, that I settled for someone who was close enough. Which I always knew. And I can’t regret it, because I have two of the most awesome kids ever. They are my achievement. When they weigh the scales, and see how I did with them, I’ll be ok. But then bad things happened. And then I was single, with occasional distractions, for a long time. And then Matt came along. And he pursued me and swept me off my feet. With the kind of relationship I’d only ever dreamed of. Complete with fireworks. With fi ..read more

I know. It’s been a very long time since I’ve written here. But then I’ve been in a very dark place for a very long time…since well before Christmas. I don’t talk to people. I don’t see people. And quite clearly, when I’m down here, I don’t write either. Finally, after a degree of offspring nagging, and my own internal thoughts, I realised that I couldn’t carry on feeling this way every day, and I finally contacted the Doctors. Who I didn’t really want to bother because, you know Covid. And it’s just grief right? Only apparently it’s not just grief. It’s complicated grief, and serious depress ..read more

So Saturday was predictably horrendous.  Four years since we got engaged… To be fair it did have its good points. I saw people, ate pizza, drank wine, put on the mask, and played the game. Other than that…I was a wreck. An unstoppable, leaking, wailing, hopeless wreck. Since then I seem to have achieved some sort of numb, which is distinctly more restful, though I doubt it’s healthy. I expect it’s a temporary reprieve. There are more big dates coming up, and more stuff that I’m going to have to cope with and deal with on my own, where once he would have been. Being alive is hard work. But ..read more