This week was my mother in law's birthday, I called her and asked how she was and what she was doing to mark the occasion (she lives in France, so we can't be there for her), she said she was working on the garden, burying her sorrows in the ground. Burying...the way same she has done with her own husband and her son Julien. I feel the sadness for her and for me, because I can't console her, this is true for every occasion. Birthdays and Christmas are not the same, we busy ourselves to feel less pain. I can't even bring myself to spend Christmas in France with her nor have I spent an ..read more

 I need to get rid of our BBQ, it is rusty, the bottom has collapsed and it is not fit for purpose anymore, so it needs to go. The only thing is that BBQ was my husband's "toy", his pride and joy. We bought it in France and  we had many barbecues together. That BBQ saw a family of three become four and then again three.  A different kind of four. The new man in my life It was on that Barbecue that I made my first Mother's day solo BBQ, between tears and smoke, I ploughed through cooking a meal for me and the children. I cooked many more in the solitude of my widowhood ..read more

I am walking around Mac's Fam on a late summer evening, one of those rare days when the weather is just so perfect that you want it to last forever. I heard music in the background, it was fun and joyful, the kind of music where you inadvertently move to, a little swing of the head, the tapping of the toes, I was lost in that moment, totally in tune with the music and switched off from the world. I saw Sue from the corner of my eye, we smiled at each other and she said: - Some great music there. - Somebody's wedding. Should we crash it? I replied. That would be great fun, was hers Two tota ..read more

 So I have brought you home in a tiny box, a whole life of dreams, hope and pursuits boxed away and delivered in a bag. I am sorry that you had to come back home this way, and so this is our story turned to dust. Something that took time to build and that cancer took no time to destroy. It ravaged our family and so it does with many others. I talked to you even if you could not hear me, I welcomed you home and cradled you like a baby I always fitted on your lap but now you fitted in mine, my dear Julien. I am sorry for the short life you lived and for all the life that will never enjoy, a ..read more

 I have not crumbled under the weight of responsibility of raising two young children single handedly, of running a house, of keeping the house under increasing pressures. It has been almost two years of me, I am all they have. I haven't stopped to think about it much, although I recognize it is hard, the intensity of solo parenthood means you push through the barriers, it also leaves you with little thinking time.  I have often been asked how do I manage, work, children, life; I don't really know. Perhaps is ignorance, perhaps is an unfailing faith in myself, and even when I am ..read more

 Valentine is looming, and I am standing in front of the cards section of the supermarket, I stare at the huge choice. I wonder if I should buy one for my husband, but what should I write to a person that is no longer here. I ponder for a while unable to make a decision,  so instead I decide to go grab a coffee and do some work. At the café I watch a couple playing with their young daughter, my heart hurts, they are a beautiful family, an intact unit; unbroken.  I finish my report and head home. I don't buy the card, this happens few more times, I look at cards and don't buy any ..read more

 Solo parenting is relentless, in Brazil we have a saying that soft water dripping on a hard rock will eventually make a hole. It may be true for rocks, but it is not true for most parents, you carry on against the constant dripping of responsibilities, you bear them and somehow you carry on. Lottie being sassy, as usual. The dripping is financial, mental and emotional, it is exhausting to juggle it all. I don't know what silence is anymore, I am pulled in so many directions that the phrase spreading yourself thin doesn't even cover.  Drip, drip, drip... As much as I love my ..read more

 It is your 41st birthday soon, so I pose the question to Luca and Lottie about what we should do to mark the occasion. Here is how the conversation goes with Lottie, who is now 5: -Lottie, shall we have a cake for dad's birthday? - I ask. -But, I don't have a daddy. - she replies -Yes, you do. -Where is he? -You do know he is dead right? - I answer slightly taken aback  -Then why have the cake if he is not here. - she replies and resumes her play. This is more or less the template for conversations I have with my children. I prepare myself, I assume I have the necessary answers but ..read more

  - I know how you are feeling I am divorced... Let me stop you there, this is the kind of statement that makes most widowed folks crawl out of their skin and pretty much want to slap you in the face. I know you want to show empathy and I know you are also going through loss, but I can talk from experience as I am both divorced and widowed, your  experience is not the same. I want to talk about this so that the conversation can evolve, to give you an insight and to save yourself from embarrassment.  When you get divorced the relationship has irrevocably broken down, what united ..read more

Lately I have to admit that I have lost my voice, my blog was always filled with raw energy and my writings were not the result of gentle reflection but an outpouring of feelings, unfiltered and raw. The reason I have lost my voice is that loss is a void that can't be filled (or at least not permanently) with hobbies, friends, and other distractions. Once you ticked all the boxes on that checklist of chores and things to do, there is only you, alone, contemplating life and love and all the big questions. The big questions about life, love and the future that cannot be fully answered or hurri ..read more