The last weeks of the year—Thanksgiving and the winter holidays—often bring to mind the concept of gratitude—appreciation for positive experiences, thankfulness for growth in understanding, and gratefulness for the enrichment of new opportunities. This concept of gratitude often emerges for me in the process of divorce mediation.    I find that couples in a “successful” mediation process express gratitude for arriving at good decisions and having the chance to craft a positive and more certain future for their families with the outcome of those decisions.   Mediation is a profo ..read more

For parents who have decided to separate and divorce, the prospect of breaking this news to the children can be overwhelming—even paralyzing.   This topic will often arise in mediation when parents are still living together and would prefer to resolve matters involving the children (where each parent will live upon separation and what the parenting time schedule will look like) before talking to the children about the impending divorce.   As much as you may dread the thought of this discussion with your children, my experience indicates that, once you have talked with them, the emot ..read more

In any successful relationship, trust is the foundation. When you can trust someone, you are more likely to be open and more willingly vulnerable in that person’s presence.   In many broken marriages, the trust between spouses has diminished—a little or even to the point of being missing entirely. For example, trust evaporates when there has been infidelity or a lack of honesty.   In divorce mediation cases, the absence of trust can be quite challenging. An underlying principle of mediation is that you both make a good faith effort to work toward an agreement that will satisfy both ..read more

At the beginning of the divorce mediation process, I send out a questionnaire to each spouse to help me find out how the couple communicates. In the responses I often discover that both find it hard to communicate effectively. This is not particularly surprising, as poor communication is often a symptom of a broken marriage. So, as a couple enters divorce mediation, the objective of successful communication is often facing off against inherent challenges experienced during the marriage.   When communication centers on disagreements, there is a strong tendency for each side to dig in, ass ..read more

An article I recently read by Stephanie Vozza was entitled, “’I don’t know’ can be the smartest answer.”   This caught my eye because I have often used a similar saying, namely, “The most important thing that you can know is what you don’t know.”   Stephanie’s article goes on to address how this statement can be a lesson for leadership. As a mediator, I do not relate as much to the concept of leadership except to note that I am a leader of the mediation process. This often means taking the lead with my clients in helping you to have a constructive dialogue.   Being willing to a ..read more

Each marriage has its own uniqueness, involving two individuals with their own unique identify and style. In past generations, there have typically been assigned roles, like working father and stay-at-home mother, but this division of labor has changed significantly in the modern world. Making assumptions about the current roles of spouses is done at a mediator’s peril!   I have found it important in divorce mediation to consider a critical element in a marriage—the contributions each of you have brought to the relationship, whether positive or negative.   While not always directly ..read more

The decision to end a marriage is rarely made by both spouses at the same moment.  Usually one of you, after much consideration, and possibly after efforts have been made to “save” the marriage, declares to yourself (and maybe to the other), “I am done.”   If you are the spouse on the receiving end of this message, your reaction could be one of shock, dismay, or a sad acknowledgment of something you may have seen coming but did not feel ready to accept.    For both of you, the immediate focus is likely to be on yourself, and a common thought is “What will this mean fo ..read more

With the ending of a year, a new one is beginning. In one’s work life, a job ends and hopefully a new one begins.    In my own life, over the last 13 years, I’ve seen the years change, my career change (from public finance and local government service to mediation), and my home change from upstate New York to Chicago.   It’s been a saying of mine that life is a book of many chapters. In a marriage that ends, that chapter of your life will conclude. This ending, just like a difficult year, may make you want to forget the bad experiences. Given the emotional duress that often com ..read more

As I write this, I am returning from the funeral services for my father-in-law, Robert.   Bob lived to the age of 96 and enjoyed mostly good health for all of his life.   I first met Bob when I was dating his daughter (my wife, Diane) in 1984. While he did not know me, I was treated then and always with cordiality and respect. While Bob was a man not inclined to say much, whenever I spoke with him he would freely share his thoughts, which were grounded in common sense. As a child of the Great Depression and later a World War II veteran, Bob was a member of what has been referred to ..read more

Families already are facing financial pressures from rising prices. Now there is a new challenge: the Federal Reserve Bank has increased interest rates for its member banks to levels not seen in over 15 years. On September 30, according to bankrate.com, the average 30-year mortgage rate increased to 6.83 percent.   This means that the monthly mortgage payment for a new mortgage (and this would include refinancing a mortgage) will be significantly higher. For example, for a mortgage loan of $300,000 one year ago (September 30, 2021), the 30-year rate was 3.01 percent, so the payment for m ..read more