As arms spending sky rockets - literally with sky rockets - the UK's homeless have tried to capitalize on this by sleeping inside cannons, in the hope of being mistaken for a threadbare missile. Only by getting some of that sweet, sweet military appropriation, can they get their very own silo, with top of the range camouflage and space for a loft extension. Said one activist: 'For a fraction of the defense budget, we could end homelessness and still have enough change leftover to buy Belguim. For £2bn we could give everyone a home and still keep the option open to bomb them later, if we ch ..read more

The rotary washing line at 43 Acacia Avenue, Warwick has been identified as being absolutely straight and at right angles to the ground.  'It's entirely possible other rotary lines are correctly installed in back gardens, but we are unaware of any in England,' said a English Heritage spokesperson today.  'Every single one we are aware of leans to the side by something between one and fifteen degrees,' he added. Following the discovery of the rotary line, English Heritage rushed to present the line with a plaque. 'We've also applied to have the line listed,' said the spokesman ..read more

You can either reply to this post or reply to our Twitter/Facebook pages. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the winner's name and all the subsequent notoriety that implies ..read more

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As riderless horses roamed the streets of central London, the Government accused the 'woke elite' of getting a little heavy-handed with their metaphors. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Is it the end of days or just a guerrilla marketing campaign for Lloyds Bank?' 'I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And the rider's name was Nigel Farage. What else? Boris Johnson is humping things and chanting in Latin - nothing new there. Michael Gove has assumed his reptilian form and is hissing at everyone he's double crossed - so that's everyone. Nadine Dorries is doing readings from her latest b ..read more

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Festival organisers have confirmed that coronavirus, after a busy world tour, will be on the main stage at Reading and on pretty much everything else. Although it will be a short appearance, the impact of the concert could last a lifetime – which might be up to a few days. Fans are looking forward to breathing in the atmosphere and then spending time in hospital. Known for their hit song ‘My Corona’, the band also does a series of Police covers; including ‘Every breath you take, Every sneeze you make’, ‘So Lonely, under House Quarantine’ and ‘Don’t stand so close me – really, Please Don’t ..read more

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