Posted by John Donovan: 7 May 2024 Oh, the drama! TotalEnergies and Shell, those titans of the oil industry, are having a little daydream about moving their stock listings to the flashy stages of Wall Street. Why, you ask? Their current market valuations are as deflated as a punctured oil barrel. Boo-hoo. In a tragic tale of European neglect and American allure, these two energy behemoths are feeling undervalued back home—kind of like ageing movie stars pining for one last blockbuster. TotalEnergies, the belle of France, is so distraught that even Patrick Pouyanné, the CEO, is openly mulling ..read more

Posted by John Donovan: 5 May 2024 In a plot twist worthy of a soap opera finale, Shell, the oil behemoth with a heart as black as its crude, is reportedly packing its bags and bidding a tearful farewell to South Africa. Because when you’ve spent over a century plundering resources and polluting with abandon, what’s one more continent left in your wake? According to reports that sound more like the stuff of urban legends than corporate reality, Shell is set to divest its whopping 72% stake in Shell Downstream South Africa. Cue the dramatic music as Shell’s BEE partner, Thebe Investments, wat ..read more

AI-Generated Image Posted by John Donovan: 4 May 2024 In a stunning historical revelation that could make even the most cynical among us raise an eyebrow, it turns out that Shell, the quintessential emblem of corporate greed and environmental apathy, once dabbled in a little side hustle: collaborating with Nazis. When you’re already in the business of ruthlessly exploiting resources, why not throw a bit of fascism into the mix? As German forces strutted into Vienna on that fateful day in March 1938, Shell, ever the opportunist, saw the writing on the wall and decided to cosy up to the Nazi r ..read more

Posted by John Donovan 4 May 2024 In an eyebrow-raising move that could only be described as a masterpiece in corporate irony, Shell, the paragon of environmental negligence, has proudly appointed Parminder Kohli as its new UK country chair. Who better to lead a company infamous for its ruthless exploitation of natural resources than someone entrenched in its culture of profit-over-planet? Replacing David Bunch, Kohli steps into the limelight, not only as the new head honcho but also as the champion of sustainability and carbon reduction. A bit like putting a fox in charge of the henhouse, if ..read more

Posted by John Donovan: 3 May 2024 In a stunning display of eco-friendly acrobatics, Shell and its cohorts are ramping up offshore drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, reassuring us that it’s all for the noble cause of emitting slightly less greenhouse gases. Apparently, drilling in the ocean is like a diet version of environmental destruction. The pièce de résistance? A colossal floating platform named Appomattox, proudly owned by Shell, bobbing about 80 miles off Louisiana’s coast like a monument to human hubris. It’s a real-life version of “Waterworld,” minus Kevin Costner’s rugged charm. Why t ..read more

Posted 2 May 2024 by John Donovan In a stunning display of corporate benevolence, Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan announced that the oil behemoth is graciously not considering relisting in New York at the moment. How thoughtful! Instead, they’re laser-focused on buying back shares, because apparently, that’s what the world needs more of—Shell shares. Sawan, in a call with analysts, outlined Shell’s noble mission to bridge the valuation gap with its U.S. rivals. Because, you know, when you’re already swimming in oil money, why not aim for even more obscene profits? “We will always have something like a ..read more

Posted by John Donovan: 2 May 2024 In a jaw-dropping display of corporate gluttony, Shell has proudly announced a first-quarter profit of $7.7 billion, leaving investors rubbing their hands in glee and environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief. But fear not, dear shareholders, for Shell has graciously decided to share the wealth by repurchasing a further $3.5 billion of its own shares over the next three months. Because nothing says “responsible corporate citizen” like lining your own pockets while the planet burns, right? CEO Wael Sawan couldn’t contain his excitement, declaring it ..read more

Posted by John Donovan: 2 May 2024 In a truly laughable turn of events, big investors in Shell are urging their fellow shareholders to support greater climate action. Because nothing says “let’s save the planet” like being one of the world’s largest fossil fuel producers, right? These investors, including the likes of Amundi and Axa Investment Managers, are collectively clutching about 2.5 percent of Shell’s shares and have filed a resolution calling on the company to align its greenhouse gas emissions targets with the Paris Agreement. Because apparently, Shell’s current “targets and ambitions ..read more

Posted by John Donovan: 2 May 2024 In a move that truly exemplifies their commitment to saving the planet, Shell has decided to bid farewell to their power generation business in China. But fear not, fellow Earthlings, for they’re not completely abandoning their efforts to combat climate change – they’re just prioritising profits over, well, everything else. Shell’s CEO wants you to know that reducing global oil and gas production would be “dangerous and irresponsible.” Because obviously, what the world really needs right now is more hydrocarbons. It’s not like we’re facing a climate cris ..read more

Posted by John Donovan 1 May 2024 We’re taking a trip down memory lane to the dark days of World War II. You know, back when Hitler was still rocking his signature mustache and the world was in a state of utter chaos. But guess who was lurking in the shadows. None other than our pals at Royal Dutch Shell. Yep, turns out, while Hitler was busy turning Europe into his own personal playground, Shell was right there by his side, cheering him on like a proud parent at a Little League game. According to the annals of history, Shell’s big boss man, Sir Henri Deterding, was practically BFFs with ol ..read more