Route: 350, Oldham to Ashton-under-Lyne Operator: First Frequency: Every 30m (Mon-Sat); Hourly (Sunday) Time: 1 hour 25 minutes Cost: Part of £5 Day Ticket Date of Trip: 11/11/22 Return to Decker: Ian ‘There were eight of ‘em outside The Snipe,’ says the younger of two pensioners sitting at the front of the top deck of the 350 as we leave Oldham Bus Station. He’s reliving his role in past drunken violence, no doubt embellished by years of retelling. ‘So, I filled the biggest one in, and the rest just shat ‘emselves and ran off.’ ‘It’s a shame it’s closing,’ his elderly flat cap-wearing pal re ..read more

Route: X29, Tywyn to Machynlleth Operator: Lloyds Coaches Frequency: Every 2 hours (Mon-Sat); 2 per day (Sunday) Time: 35 minutes Cost: Part of £6 1Bws Day Ticket Date of Trip: 17/9/22 Whole Lotta Bus: Ian & El Just as an undiluted splash of Mancunians and Scousers swirl around the seaside spots of the North Wales seaboard, almost everybody along the coastline west of Cader Idris is from the West Midlands. There’s the vowel-mangling chippy owner in Fairbourne, the self-proclaimed ‘Yam’ bus driver who shuttled us from there to Tywyn on the #28, and the group from Redditch who jump off it a ..read more

Route: T12, Machynlleth to Welshpool (continues to Wrexham) Operator: Lloyds Coaches Frequency: 4-6 per day (Mon-Sat); no Sunday service Time: ~1 hour 50 minutes (3h 25m for the full route) Cost: Part of £11 day ticket Date of Trip: 6/7/22 Return of the Mach: Ian & Luke Every time Luke pronounces the name of a Welsh town, a Cymraeg-speaking fairy dies. He’s been on a killing spree this past couple of days. We’re nearing the end of an adventure that has seen us hug the coast on buses from Chester to Aberystwyth, and he’s butchered them all. Amlwch became ‘Amyl-witch’, the eternal Saes ..read more

Route: 9A, Warrington to Northwich Operator: Warrington’s Own Buses Timetable: 6 per day, mostly every 2 hours (Mon-Sat); no Sunday service Time: ~55 minutes Cost: £5.95 Day Rider Date of Trip: 29/4/22 Sympathy for the Breville: Ian & El Penketh. Great Sankey. Westy. These aren’t the nicknames of a group of lads go-karting on a stag do. They’re Warrington suburbs, places on the destination boards that run the length of the bus station. Every town and city has them. Anonymous satellites with curving roads of bungalows or council houses or showpiece family homes. Maybe there’s a driveway wi ..read more

Route: 41, Chester to Whitchurch Operator: Aintree Coaches Frequency: 5 per day (Mon-Sat); no Sunday service Time: ~1 hour 20 minutes Cost: £5.10 Single Date of Trip: 29/4/22 Stuck in the Middle (of Nowhere) With You: Ian & El The eagle-eyed among you might have spotted that we’re a journey down. A big 82 from Northwich to Chester-sized gap. That’s because the bus broke down in the middle of nowhere. Well, not quite nowhere. 25 minutes into its journey west, the 82 unleashed a piercing shriek, like a magpie the size of a pterodactyl. Lucky for us, it conked out by the Vale Royal Abbey Arm ..read more

Route: 11A, Stockport to Altrincham Operator: Stagecoach Frequency: Hourly Time: ~50 minutes Cost: £5.30, Day Rider Date of Trip: 29/4/22 You Know It Is, It Really Is: Ian & El An absolutely bobbins picture of Frank Sidebottom’s head over the 11A, Stockport to Altrincham bus route map. Stockport is aglow this morning. A cacophony of light glints back from a southbound train as it crosses the town’s viaduct. Painted by Lowry, loved by all, it’s been an indelible symbol of home to Stopfordians for over 180 years. Although the sun has its hat on, most people milling around Merseyway are still ..read more

Route: Cat5, Altrincham to Warrington Operator: Warrington’s Own Buses Timetable: Hourly (every 30 minutes if including the 5A) Time: ~1 hour 10 minutes Cost: £5.95 Day Rider Date of Trip: 29/4/22 Out on a Lymm: Ian & El ‘Ooooh, check this out, El,’ I say, flicking my reading light on and off. It comes as part of a mini travel kit of sorts, with a USB port, clothes peg, and a Stop button all built into the back of each chair on the Cat5. There’s also a mystery dog bone shaped hatch that pulls open, only to snap shut the millisecond you let go with the force of a hammer thrower jumping ont ..read more

Route: X4, Middlesbrough to Whitby Operator: Arriva Frequency: Every 30 mins (Mon-Sat); Hourly (Sun) Time: ~1h 50m Cost: £13.50 Family Ticket Date of Trip: 2/5/19 Marske of Zorro: Ian & Eleanor ‘Are you sure you don’t want to stick around for a while?’ Eleanor asks after a gallop through Middlesbrough’s retail heart. ‘Not really,’ I shrug. ‘Everyone I knew has moved on, and all the places I knocked about have been knocked down. You can’t put your arms around a memory, El.’ ‘That’s a bit profound for you,’ she says. ‘That’s because it was Johnny Thunders. Oh yeah, look, there’s that McDona ..read more

Route: 393, Glossop to Padfield Operator: High Peak Frequency: Hourly (Mon-Sat) Time: 20m Cost: £2.30 Single Date of Trip: 12/8/21 Twenty-Four Minute Party Person: Ian Round the houses on the 393 ‘Right then,’ Eleanor says, reclining in her train seat, arms behind her head as we pull in at Glossop station. ‘We’ll see you up there.’ ‘Yes, don’t be late,’ her mum, Kath, adds with mock admonishment. They both let out a laugh as though it’s a foregone conclusion that I, the Most Punctual Man in Manchester, won’t be on time. We’re having a race, y’see: Man versus Train, albeit with me on ..read more

Route: X18, Berwick-upon-Tweed to Newcastle-upon-Tyne Operator: Arriva Timetable: Every 2 hours (Mon-Sat); 2 per day (Sun) Time: ~4 hours Cost: £8.50 Day Ticket Date of Trip: 1/5/19 Alnwick on the Streets of London: Ian & Eleanor A squadron of shrieking seagulls performs a flypast on Castlegate, the upper portion of Berwick’s chief shopping street. A rapid strafe of splats follows, raining onto the floor right beside us. Guano pools on the town’s pavements, while strewn across each wall is so much pooey residue that we could be in a town-wide Jackson Pollock installation. The birds here m ..read more