One of the things I talked about in therapy tonight was looking back and holding past me with compassion. Holding the me that chose to drink instead of feel. Holding the me that was too afraid to touch into and experience the pain that led her to drink in the first place. To go back to the painful existence before alcohol entered my life. The constant fear. The constant abandonment when the people that were supposed to love and protect me, but didn’t. I didn’t know how to go back to a life without alcohol to give me respite. 901 days later; I know I’m the touchstone of my secure attachment. I ..read more

So, now you l are a couple of weeks away from Christmas. The holidays have died down. Your stress level is not near as high. And out of nowhere you feel like you should drink. “It’s not a problem.” “I’m not overwhelmed or anxious.”  “It matters how I feel going into a situation when I drink.”  And at some point, that may have been true. But we’re at the point where we have reevaluated our relationship with alcohol and we got to that point after certain events happened. For me, I had made some very shaky parenting decisions and driving decisions, and that scared the fuck out of me. I ..read more

 So why do I write? Why do I put my story to paper? There’s so many of us getting sober right now and staying sober right now, I feel like there’s a shift in the universe where the veil is being lifted on the impact alcohol has on our lives. Similar to cigarettes in the 70s and 80s, the truth about alcohol is coming out and how it damages our bodies. How the damage happens to our bodies found before we are staggering down the streets with a brown paper bag. I know many of us moms hide what we’re drinking in a yeti. Saturday morning basketball games. Long baseball practices. Any function w ..read more

I was just commenting on someone’s post who is on day 2. I said, “Take back your power from Alcohol.” And I had an understanding of why I have resisted the idea that this is a disease and I have to surrender myself and that I am powerless. I have always said, “Fuck that noise! I am the one who got sober. I am the one who said I cannot ever be drunk me again.” When I said those words, I chose not to drink. I did not surrender my power. I took back my power. This is why I do not label this as a disease. I turned off A Star is Born because Ally called it a disease and removed all responsibility f ..read more

In my life, I have believed treat others as you would have them treat you. I spent my life loving others and treating others who I longed for to be there for me, to love me. Somewhere around 2007 2008, my coach said to ‘me, “They are not you.” I stepped back and realized I wanted my students to be those eager to please students that I was in school. I can now see that I was a little girl trying to earn my love. If I worked hard enough, did well enough, I would finally be loved the way I dreamed. In the past almost 2 years, I have never had someone love me the way I loved because no one I loved ..read more

For the 4th time in my career, I have been targeted by a narcissistic principal, two women and two men. The women began with gossiping from teachers who talked about me behind my back. The men – one was because I didn’t sleep with him and the other – knew he couldn’t control me. All of them because I saw through their bullshit and narcissists hate when you see through their bullshit. This is the first time I didn’t drink through it. I didn’t question my worth or my words. I was unwavering in my commitment to who I am as a teacher and what I was doing to support my students. I struggled with hy ..read more

Middle School Dance ready! And a good sport that took a beating at pie throwing. Super fun! And that’s after a third didn’t hit because of the wind. Today’s the dance. A lot of kids won’t come back for the next week, so that means today is their last day. Lots of and situations. I’m ready for the year to be over. And I’m not ready to not be in their lives. I’m so excited about the new job and I’m gonna miss the rhythm I have with Matt right now. I’ve done a lot of work today through trauma and little Cathy is still screaming to not be abandoned. Matt is a kind kid and he can absolutely be the ..read more

 Alone The title of this blog is very foreboding. But it is necessary to examine. I grew up in a house where I was always lonely. 4 kids 2 adults and I did not have a connection with anyone in that house. I clamored for any connection to fill this empty void that was left by my family. My connections were always rooted in anxious or insecure attachment. Last weekend was my 30th high school reunion. I did not go because high school was not filled with happy memories. But on the group chat of all of the graduates, someone posted something I had written in the yearbook three years ago. In th ..read more

“My mama old me, “When you’re getting your shit together, it gets lonely. But, choose growth over company.” And I never forgot that. I think this happens for a couple of reasons. First – your energy is changing and you no longer match energies with the people in your life. Your focus is tightly on yourself and that relationship needs to be your top priority for a while. But soon, your life will be filled with people who match your new healed energy. The people that are in my life now truly see me now and support me now. For anyone in the getting your shit together phase – it does get better. K ..read more

I was born into a family after an unexpected pregnancy. My older sister was adopted. That’s how unexpected it was. My earliest memories are of my sister’s violent beating and bullying. My mom on the other hand was explosive and low on physical affection and love. I don’t remember if I ever told her about my sister, but her abuse was never stopped or punished. I have images of being cornered in the kitchen down on the floor unable to get away. My mom was overwhelmed because my dad traveled all the time for work. Four kids under the age of 7 (she had another unplanned but welcomed pregnancy with ..read more