My dad told me, and he’s normally right, right, that It’s his belief right, that all hairdressers are CIA operatives, right, and that barber shops are a hotbed of intelligence gathering, right. Dandruff, right, he reckons, is the offline equivalent of online cookies, right, tracking all the places you’ve been to through the course of the last 24 hours, like a fooking-biological travel card, right. Think about it, right – the amount of information they would have access to.  DNA collection from hair samples, right? I hereby call to the end of tipping hairdressers, right.  Arthur ..read more

Dear Flawhammer I suffer from a dual personality disorder right, and during the last episode, my other-half reached out to a bunch of online doctors, right.  Like, a real nasty one, advertising we could needlessly spend money with them during our next episode.  Not my money we can’t. If I find out who it was, I’m gonna carve them up. I couldn’t find your address anywhere on your invoices – can you confirm? Mary × Dear Mary, In my experience all online practices conduct themselves with the utmost valour, and dare I say it, integrity, ensuring industry standards are upheld.&n ..read more

The guy sitting next to me at work is really hot. He keeps brushing by me. I can’t work out if whether he’s trying to dislodge my handbag or make a pass at me. Bex × Dear Bex We must confess there’s the very real prospect of it being an attempt at both. But what matters most to you – preserving your wallet or preserving your wallet? If you are seeking to keep the leather variant intact then consider storing your bag in an alternative location, perhaps a locker. If you are seeking to sanctify your lady wallet from the desecrations of the lust pylon making its presentation, then we can ..read more

Dear dr flawhammer  I see you are now offering a live chat service? How live really is ‘live’?  I mean football matches are always touted as being live on the telly, but we all know the broadcasts are at least 60 seconds behind reality. How out of synch with reality are you? It’s quite vague, and more than a little confusing. John × Dear John We are clearly quite some way out of kilter with reality, as we were of the impression that the principals of live chat were well established beyond the realms of theOnlineClinick But we’re excited to now learn we have stumbled upon a ..read more

Beddy Morrow One has encountered an embarrassing condition. One which means I have lost the acuity to appreciate just how ludicrous it would be to claim I can no longer yield sweat as a result of an overseas adrenaline overdose brought about by some pesky-type plebiscites. How does one restore a modicum of respectability to a reputation so tarnished even corgi’s refuse to take a slash up against it? Anonymous × Dear Anonymous (we trust this salutation remains affixed to your lapel and hasn’t been been stripped from you overnight), Given corgi’s are well known for cosying up to imperi ..read more

According to Home Office files obtained this week under the Freedom of Information act, my lifestyle aid The Theory Test for Marriage amounted to banned reading for Julian Assange ahead of his Belmarsh nuptials.  The title was brought to him by a conscientious visitor ahead of the big day but impounded by prison officers concerned the material could unduly influence his state of mind. Of course its going to influence his state of mind, that’s the point of the fucking book. But the Home Office issuing an effective fatwa on TTTFM is a real feather in the cap, and one we hope will encourage ..read more

I must say, I was truly appalled to read the transcript released for your very 1st live chat. Simply shameless, arcane ‘fayre’.   Such transparent opportunism hasn’t bolted the traps since Matt Hancock caught a glimpse of his secretaries garter.   You should be ashamed.  It is little more than attempt to acquire the partner of a desperate young man at his wits end. If I do not receive an adequate response corresponding to the gravitas of this situation, I will be left with no recourse but to report you to the appropriate authorities. Angela × Dear Angela ‘Appropriate A ..read more

Dear OnlineClink I suffer from a dual personality disorder, right and my last episode, I ran up thousands of pounds worth of debt after ordering loads of worthless online treatments. What can I do to stop it happening again next time? Mary × Dear Mary Please get in touch at the merest hint of the next onset and we will endeavour to get to the bottom of this troubling issue through an extensive course of treatment. This matter is now closed, please do not contact us again. Regards Dr Flawhammer theOnlineClinick Close The post I suffer from a dual personality disorder appeared firs ..read more

    My girlfriend no longer wishes to have sex with me.   I don’t know what to do.   Help. Ok. You’ve just got to accept it.   Accept we’ll never have sex again?   Yes. Some things, once they’re gone, they’re gone. Like the measles.   She has the measles?     Can you please refrain from conducting online diagnoses?  They’re worthless . Sorry.   You think she’s just going to change her mind? Suddenly, one day, start wanting to have sex with you again?   I guess not.   Is she impaired?   No   Are you impaired?   No ..read more

Нellо all, guуѕ! I knоw, mу mеѕsаgе may bе toо spесіfіc, Βut mу sіstеr fоund nісе mаn hеrе and theу mаrrіеd, so hоw аbоut me?ǃ I am 26 yеarѕ оld, Alenа, from Romaniа, Ι knоw Englіsh and German lаnguagеѕ alѕо And… Ι have sрecifiс diѕеаѕe, named nymрhоmanіa. Ԝho knоw what iѕ thіs, саn undеrѕtand me (bеtter to say it іmmеdіatеly) Ah уeѕ, I cооk verу tаѕty! аnd Ι lovе not only cоok ;)) Ιm real gіrl, not prоѕtіtutе, аnd lоokіng fоr ѕerіоus and hоt rеlаtіоnshiр. × Dear Alena Thank you for the full disclosure. Both around your ‘realness’ as a female and your very tasty cooking. It sounds l ..read more