I don’t usually subscribe to “busyness for busyness sake,” but at times there is value in simply getting out and doing something—anything. This won’t sustain me in the long run, but it works to move me through to meaningful activities. Engaging in a lifelong hobby Family caregivers can easily fall into variations of a similar trap: thinking that the appearance of their parents being busy trumps the actuality of being involved in an activity that’s engaging and meaningful to them, or thinking that — like some impromptu cruise directors on the Good Ship Getting Older — it’s somehow now up to t ..read more

I think most of us have heard about the fable of the boiling frog: If you drop a live frog into boiling water it will jump out. But placing a frog into tepid water and slowly increasing the water temperature, and the frog perceives no danger and is slowly cooked to death. This is often a fitting metaphor of what happens as we start down the caregiving path. We can’t imagine putting an adult diaper on our husband, but incontinence creeps up and soon we find ourselves searching YouTube videos on how to change adult depends. Incrementally, the barriers are being broken down, and what we once ..read more

Friends arrive with extra meals or share a coffee when you meet them for a stolen hour, somewhere close to home in case of another emergency, another fall.  You part with a hug and the friend offers words of encouragement.  “Hang in there.”  You hope you can. The next long nights and days of managing caregiving on top of the rest of life’s responsibilities go by in a blur.  You are hanging on, but barely. While friends are essential, it turns out that other primary caregivers who share your emotional and physical roller coaster ride may offer the best source of help.  ..read more

Me and Grandma Gladys, ca 1989 “When will I see you again?” my Grandma Gladys would often ask as I was getting ready to leave. Instead of giving her a time and date I would answer with, “Well you know I’m awfully busy at college.” Part of that answer came out of frustration that my current visit didn’t seem to count. The other part was sheer ego. I wanted her to know that I was important and had a life. I rarely felt good after a visit that ended like that.   Was I doing enough? Could I have visited her more? I loved my grandma dearly, but had a lot of guilt about not doing “enough” for ..read more

Shame is described as a painful feeling that we are somehow flawed and unworthy of being loved. It can be triggered by our own unhealthy mind chatter or when someone says something nasty to us, and we take it in as truth.  We attach shame to situations and diseases, as if it was our inadequacy, or wrong doing, that caused these events to come about. We believe that we failed to “keep ourselves healthy,” or “do the right thing,” and so in turn, so “made” ourselves sick. Lori La Bey of Alzheimer’s Speaks and I had a conversation about the shame that comes in the caregiving journey when one ..read more

Five college students filled my kitchen with laughter and conversation over a leisurely summer breakfast. Only one of them was non-American, the other four were studying at the same college in Minnesota. I asked each of them what they would do if one, or both, of their parents needed care. The non-American, a lovely Russian woman who happens to also be an only child, said she would absolutely live with and care for her parents; “That’s how it’s done and I’m very close to them.” The other four were less certain: Would they have their parents move in with them, or find some type of senior hous ..read more