The first time I heard a version of this saying was in the movie Stepmom. It comes near the end when the mother is dying and having special moments with each of her kids. It put words to the void I’d been looking across my whole life. I’ve heard some people disagree with this sentiment and that’s fine, but my lived experience tells me it’s true. I have never experienced a truly attuned mother’s love – I have never felt fully known by anyone. Growing up I searched for it in others – teachers, boyfriends, friends’ parents – anyone who showed an interest in me. I looked across the void of mother ..read more

There is a lot of talk about attachment and bonding in the world of adoption. After going through my healing journey, I know as a newborn baby, I was bonded to my biological mother before birth. When I was born, I was expecting to meet this person I already knew. When she wasn’t there, I was terrified and plunged into grief. The bond was broken and I was catapulted into a void. Doctors and nurses of the time thought if a mother held her child when they were born, the baby or the mother would get “too attached”. So, they took the baby straight from the womb, away from the mother. The first pla ..read more

It is exhausting to heal. It takes so much emotional energy.  You outgrow the people around you who aren’t doing their own work. The people closest to you can be the most toxic and create the most roadblocks to prevent your growth because they don’t understand it. And if after all that you somehow get to the “other side” and feel mostly healed, those same people might say or act like “ok are you done now”, can we go back to the ways we treated you before – invalidating and gaslighting you. People who go through therapy know the healing journey is forever. It might ebb and flow and someti ..read more

I’ll never forget the first time I read the word narcissism and its definition. I was in therapy for the first time, reading as many books as possible, trying to make sense of what it meant to be adopted and the relationship with my adoptive family. I was lying in bed reading and I sat straight up. I had never heard the word narcissism before, but I recognized the tactics and characteristics immediately – not just with adoptive family but with others in my life as well. And it all made sense. I remember reading the passage to my husband saying “this is it”. None of the people I applied this d ..read more

I believe I was listening to the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast when they were talking about boundaries. When we set boundaries with other people, it is not about what we expect the other person to do – boundaries are about what we will do and how we will conduct ourselves if they are crossed. “Boundaries are not binding or controlling the actions of another. They are stating that if said actions continue, I will not be in your life.” — J. Mike Fields Growing up, I always thought setting boundaries with people meant having a huge discussion and expecting the other person to change behavior tha ..read more

The body keeps the score. A newborn baby taken from their biological mother is plunged into grief and terror. Their very survival depends on this one person, and she is gone. And anyone who replaces her is a stranger. One of the common tropes about adoptees is that we are “angry”. What do we have to be angry about? We should be grateful we were saved. But saved from what exactly? Before I realized the trauma of adoption, some of my outward emotions and behaviors could have been interpreted as anger. The person who adopted me even told me I had anger issues. But on the inside, I remember feeli ..read more

Gaslighting has become a very popular term recently. People can be gaslit in romantic relationships, friendships or by family members. But I’ve never heard a group of people talk about experiencing gaslighting more than adopted people. The gaslighting we experience comes at the hands of family members but also society in general, the adoption industry and strangers. Merriam-Webster Dictionary chose gaslighting as its word of the year for 2022. It defines gaslighting as “noun : psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to questio ..read more

October 30th is Adoptee Remembrance Day. You might ask why we need such an observance. The narrative you hear from society is that “adoption is beautiful”, “adoptees are lucky” and “adoptees should be grateful”. But the adoptees who gather in support groups and cling to each other for mirroring know that we are anything but lucky. The pre-verbal trauma we suffer from being separated from our mothers at birth lives in our bones. Going unrecognized and invalidated only layers on the trauma. Gaslighting makes us feel crazy. We are expected to fill the needs of others and stay silent about our ow ..read more

The cover art was created by 3 Flourish members. The original works were auctioned and prints were sold to support Saving Our Sisters. When I met Anne Heffron and hired her as my adoptee writing coach, I could not have imagined what she would bring to my life. I heard her say in a NAAP Happy Hour something to effect of “if you are worried what people will say about what you write, is it that good of a relationship anyway”? How did she know that was what was holding me back? She immediately removed the biggest block to telling my story. She empowered me. A few months into our writing relations ..read more

Secure in The Nothing Place The Nothing Place. Where I arrived when I lost my mother moments after birth. Where I have lived and the place I know well. The place I reject the woman who tries to take her place. No one understands this place. I am all alone. Floating in a void. Untethered. There is a black hole between me and the rest of the world. Home. Relax, You’re Home I have been alone my whole life – from the moment I was taken from my mother at birth. It did not matter that a foster parent took care of me for five weeks. It did not matter that I was placed with adoptive parents. No one co ..read more