Sex often mirrors the intricate steps of a dance. Each movement, each gesture communicates meaning and potential for deeper connection. But just as in dance, where feedback can refine and enhance performance, in intimacy, the way we give and receive feedback can either elevate the experience or lead to discord. The key lies in the personalization of feedback—how we frame it, deliver it, and process it—especially in the sensitive arena of sexual intimacy. Understanding the Dance Imagine a couple (not a real couple), Anna and Jordan, learning a new dance. As they move together, their steps occa ..read more

Whether in the context of therapy or romantic partnerships, the notion of "being felt" stands out as a profound catalyst for healing and connection. This feeling—essentially being truly understood and empathized with on an emotional level—serves as the bedrock upon which many therapeutic practices and successful relationships are built. Today I’m going to explore why the feeling of being felt is not just a beneficial element but a necessary foundation for healing in both therapy and love relationships. The Essence of Feeling Felt The concept of "feeling felt" goes beyond mere understanding or ..read more

When couples come to me and each person wants me to adjudicate whether the other one is unreasonable, I typically tell them that under most circumstances, it really doesn’t matter whether you have a certain paint color in the newly remodeled bathroom. What matters is that both of you can live with the choices you jointly make. This changes the nature of the problem from “my husband’s taste in color is terrible and I should be choosing” to “What can we both live with?” I often use the metaphor of a car representing you and your partner’s relationship. It’s holding both of you while you attempt ..read more

In the aftermath of a disagreement with a spouse or partner, the silence can be deafening. The time spent waiting for the other person to break the ice with an apology often feels interminable, fraught with a mix of hurt feelings, stubborn pride, and a daunting emotional standoff. However, persistently waiting for your partner to apologize first may not just prolong the conflict—it could actually undermine the very foundation of your relationship. Here’s why adopting this stance might be a losing strategy, and what you can do instead to foster a healthier, more resilient partnership. 1. Missi ..read more

In the close-knit journey of marriage, complaints can either help us grow closer or push us apart. When one partner complains about something, it’s super common to want to hit back with a complaint of your own. However, this kind of reaction can really mess with the health of your relationship. Let’s dive into why firing back with your own complaints when your spouse raises an issue can hurt your bond, come off as defensive, make the conversation way more complicated, and often leave the original problem hanging. Getting Defensive Picture this: your partner calls you out for being too wrapped ..read more

American Culture is rife with “grin and bear it” missives. People see it as a point of pride to ignore pain (especially emotional pain) and “push through.” But how you handle this emotional discomfort can profoundly impact the intimacy and durability of your bonds. Often, out of fear, embarrassment, or a sense of protection, you might choose to disown your pain. You silence your hurt, thinking that by doing so, you're avoiding conflict and preserving peace. However, this is a misconception. Owning your pain is not just significant; it's essential for the health and authenticity of your relati ..read more

I tell my clients all the time that there is no unconditional love in adult relationships. “What'? Mike, I thought you really want people to feel loved in their relationships? I thought you really want people to be vulnerable? I thought you really want couples to be happy?” All of that is true. But having no conditions takes away the value that you bring to relationships through your loving kindness, effort, and vulnerability. This also opens you up for abuse. Let me explain. Relationships, especially long-term intimate relationships like marriage, are a “built thing.” Anyone who has been in ..read more

A zero-sum game is when one person's win is exactly the same as another person's loss. In simpler terms, it's like thinking that for you to get something good, someone else has to give something up. When you look at relationships this way, it can cause some pretty big problems: Turning into rivals instead of teammates: Imagine seeing your partner as someone you have to beat instead of someone you're teaming up with. This could mean arguing over who spends what money or who does more chores, making everything a competition. Forgetting to be there for each other: Relationships should be ab ..read more

Raising kids is like being on a rollercoaster that doesn't have a pause button. It's thrilling, scary, and a bit chaotic all at once. And just like any wild ride, it's way better when you have someone by your side, especially when that someone is your co-parent. Getting on the same page about how to handle the ups, downs, and loop-de-loops of parenting is pretty much the secret sauce to cutting down on family drama. Here’s why teaming up is your best move to keep peace at home and make sure everyone’s on track for a smooth ride. How Being a United Front Helps Keep the Peace Kids Know What’s ..read more

When we speak of being "triggered," we're referring to those moments when something in our present environment closely resembles an aspect of our past that once led us into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These triggers can be anything from a tone of voice, a particular phrase, a sound, or even a smell that catapults us back to a moment of intense emotional response. Recognizing these triggers and learning how to self-calm is essential, not just for our emotional well-being, but also to ensure that we can engage in productive conversations that address our hurts or fears without in ..read more