A while back, I had to face my insecurities when my husband gave a massage to someone without checking in with me first. Well, it happened again. Except this time, he was the one being massaged. After coming home from a recent massage therapy session, Dan told me that when the therapist was massaging his thighs, he got excited. As in visibly excited. As in hard. And the therapist noticed it and started flirting with him. My mind immediately went into panic mode. A massage with a happy ending is one of my sexual fantasies. And here he is — almost living it! MY fantasy! Not with ME! What if the ..read more

Polyamory, the practice of having multiple consensual romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously, has grown in visibility and acceptance over the years. Just as with any relationship style, it’s not for everyone. After experiencing polyamory, some people decide to transition back to monogamy. I didn’t decide it per se, but that’s what happened in my case. I thought transitioning back to monogamy would be a lot easier than opening up the relationship. And maybe it was to some degree, but there were still a few insights I wish I had known before making the switch. Fewer relationships d ..read more

I love reading relationship-related discussions on forums! Especially open relationships. Not only is there a wealth of popcorn-worthy dramas unfolding (r/polyamory, anyone?), but these discussions inspire me to reflect and see my life’s dramas in a new light. Quite often, I come across advice-seeking posts along the lines of “Should I open up our relationship?” — this post here, this one, and this one, for example. I am always surprised that people ask strangers about that. The person you should be consulting with about this decision is your partner, not a bunch of strangers on Reddit. And i ..read more

Exploring open relationships? You’re not alone. More people today are curious about or involved in open relationships. Besides amplifying the amount of love in our lives, these kinds of relationships bring their own set of challenges, especially when it comes to handling emotions. Sometimes, understanding and managing those emotions can be tricky. I recently discovered a Buddhist practice called “Feeding Your Demons.” It is a meditation that provides a way to deal with difficult emotions. If only I had known this framework during my poly days, I could have avoided quite a bit of drama. “Feedi ..read more

We all have lifelong relationships with our parents, siblings, children, and other relatives. Sometimes we are lucky and find lifelong friends that stay with us through the years and twists and turns of our lives. Another kind of lifelong relationship some of us are lucky to acquire is the relationship with our exes. They may not be lifelong but they have to last at least until the youngest of our children turns eighteen. In rare cases, we prefer these relationships to stay — even after the kids grow up. Unfortunately, most of the time that is not the case. When I share the story of my separa ..read more

Every morning I do these four actions on my phone: check for any missed messages and calls, play today’s Wordle, look at my calendar to see my schedule for the day, and check my email. That random Tuesday morning in January was no exception. I woke up just before the alarm went off, as I usually do. My boyfriend was sleeping next to me, so I grabbed my phone and started on my usual routine. There were no missed calls or messages. I figured out the answer to that day’s Wordle puzzle pretty quickly — it was “sugar.” The calendar was busy, like always, with no surprises. I opened the Gmail app ..read more

One day I was out on a date with Oliver. We were having dinner at a very romantic restaurant after a leisurely walk. He asked if I could help him plan a vacation. It caught me by surprise because we had just returned from one a week prior. “Honey, I don’t know if I could take more time off from work,” I said. “Oh,” he said, “You don’t need to worry about that. I’m planning a vacation for Kelly and me.” “Ah!” I said, “Sure. I’ll help. What do you have in mind?” Oliver and Kelly were in a long-distance relationship. The only way they could meet was by going on a vacation. Oliver and I were marr ..read more

“Clara asked if you’d be up to meet with her,” Daniel said one day. Daniel was my partner, and Clara was his wife. Ummm. What? I had a strong reaction to that idea. I felt a mix of emotions ranging from surprise to fear to relief. I’ve heard a lot about Clara, not only from Daniel, and had a reason to be nervous. I heard of her fiery temper and that she was beautiful. “Well. Okay. What could go wrong?” I said. I believed in the idea of kitchen table polyamory and craved to have a connection with Clara. Daniel gave me her number, and we arranged a date. We agreed to meet at a coffee shop on a ..read more

Last weekend my husband and I went to a wellness retreat in the mountains. As part of it, we participated in a consensual touch workshop. It was an enjoyable experience that ended in a wonderful cuddle puddle. Little did I know what would come next… But let me start from the beginning. We made it just in time for that workshop when we got to the retreat center. After we settled on some pillows in a giant dome, I looked around and noticed that everyone there was quite attractive. “I wouldn’t mind cuddling with any of you,” I thought. Anne, the facilitator, kicked us off with an intro and a gen ..read more

The more partners one has, the harder it is to mind everybody’s boundaries. — me. Everybody talks about rules in poly relationships. To have them or not, what they should be, and how to actually follow them. I think it’s healthier to be mindful of our boundaries than to follow a set of rules. What does it mean to be mindful of boundaries? In order to be able to protect our boundaries, we need to know where exactly they are. If we know where the territory of what’s acceptable ends, any unsanctioned border crossing will set off an alarm. How exactly can we find out where our boundaries are? Fee ..read more