The expression "Morton's Fork" originates from a policy of tax collection. It was devised by John Morton, who was Lord Chancellor of England in 1487, under the rule of King Henry VII.  Morton's approach was that if the subject lived in luxury and had clearly spent a lot of money on himself, he obviously had sufficient income to spare for the king.  Alternatively, if the subject lived frugally, and showed no sign of being wealthy, he must have substantial savings and could therefore afford to give it to the king.  These arguments were the two prongs of the fork and regardless ..read more

Years ago there was an unscrupulous accountant who always overcharged his customers.   He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours.  He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours.   He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife.  He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife.  &nbs ..read more

When you start searching in Google you may have noticed that it often offers to complete your search string.  In effect the system recognises and offers you the rest of what other people have searched for even if the words are in a different order.  Here are some of the suggestions Google offered me recently by reference to the few words I typed in each case:  Are all accountants....  .... the same? .... boring? ..... alcoholics? Why are most accountants....  .....female? (a surprisingly common question it seems, possibly related to the film industry where the acco ..read more

Ledger Zeppelin  The Rolling Balances  Fleetwood Macroeconomics  The Balance Sheetles  The Fiscal Fighters  The Profit Margin Boys The Doublie Entry Bothers  The Black Eyed P&Ls  Cashabian ABBA (Accountants Balancing Books Always ..read more

 "There's money. And then there's MY money" - Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons" - Woody Allen "I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money" - George Burns "One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have." - Gerald Hurst,   "Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you whil ..read more

He sits at his desk  With his horn-rimmed specs  Doing sums on a calculator  And come rain or shine  You know bloody fine  There's a bill to pay sooner or later.  He adds and subtracts  And works out your tax  Messing about with the figures.  You've done fairly well  So how in the hell  Is that overdraft still gettin' bigger?  Those accounts are too much  It's all double dutch  So you 'phone up for him to explain.  But his office PA says 'haven't you heard'  He's away in his office in Spain."  Henry Brew ..read more

The following are a summary of some of the points argued by a Mr Bell in letters to HMRC and the lower tier Tax Tribunal as to why he considered that he was not required to file tax returns: --- As all humans are created equal, government and the making of legislation requires the consent of the governed All humans have an absolute right to own property which is gained as a result of their own efforts. Taxation imposed by HMRC is coercive seizure of rightfully held property and cannot be justified. It is essential that HMRC issue Mr Bell with a statement that they recognise that it is the r ..read more

1. You shall have no other advisers beyond me 2. You shall not make for yourself any graven image of a tax inspector to throw darts at. 3. You shall not take the name of the Chancellor in vain (more than once a week) 4. Remember the 31st of January to keep it holy. If you have not saved up to pay your tax by then, you may as well rest on that day. 5. Honour your accountant and tax adviser, who are doing a very good job for you. 6. You shall not murder or evade tax (but avoidance is ok - sometimes). 7. You shall not commit adultery – because marriage is tax efficient. 8. You shall not ste ..read more

His Majesty's Revenue and Customs is typically only ever referenced as HMRC. Not everyone uses the acronym politely. A couple of variations I have heard are: HM Mars C - emphasising that negotiations can be warlike (Mars being the Greek god of war) and HM Arsy - an equally negative sounding approach. Any more ..read more

An older accountant told me what happened to a client after they had died. The accountant had notified HMRC of the death and deregistered the client from VAT. Imagine the accountant's surprise to then receive been told nby the client's widow of a follow up letter sent to her deceased husband. The VAT office letter said:  "We are sorry to learn of your recent demise. We have processed your request for deregistration but if at any time in the future you become liable to be VAT registered again, you should apply to this office for a new VAT number ..read more