Courage means ‘of the heart’. It is not something you are born with, it is something you learn and practice. Unfortunately, many people think courage means not feeling fear even in the face of danger. Then the rest of us feel judged and defeated because no-one can do this. No-one. Here’s the bottom line of these three posts on courage: you practice courage while you feel the fear. That’s what the science shows. As humans, we need courage to balance rather than overcome fear to do what is needed.   Welcome to these three posts on courage. Here we describe what courage is and why we need it ..read more

This is post 4 in a series on impact and intent. Here we look at impact and intent from the mind perspective. It is the psychological perspective. We consider how your mind loads your words with thoughts and feelings, and what gets lost in translation. Poorly chosen words can result in unintended adverse impacts.  “Psyche” means mind. “Psychology” is the study (-ology) of the mind (psyche), and “psychiatry” is the healing (-iatros) of the mind. Neuroscience deals with the brain and its neural networks, psychology and psychiatry deal with the mind and its mental states. As a psychiatrist ..read more

In our society, we exchange information all the time, but what goes wrong between brains during this simple exchange of information? This is post 3 in a series on Impact versus Intent; it’s the neuro-scientific perspective. To help answer our question, we’ll look at the very essence of your brain’s purpose. The brain’s subjectivity The brain is a complex organ dedicated to processing information and experiences; it helps you survive and thrive in a complex environment. When your brain is working, you have a mind. When your brain isn’t working, you’re dead and you don’t have a mind. The brain i ..read more

In our current cultural climate, there’s a conflict between people who value free speech and people who value political correctness to avoid “micro-aggressions”. Laws can be passed which protect one over the other. It’s a balance. Our ideal is to preserve free speech while minimizing micro-aggressions. Here’s the conflict: Free speech is important, impact is not. I can’t be expected to read someone’s mind and anticipate their reactions. Others should just grow up and let me say what I want. Impact is important, intent is not. What’s the use of free speech if it is hurtful and incites violence ..read more

Do the culture wars have you walking on egg-shells?  Does political correctness leave you too anxious to talk to anyone? Have you ever had a situation where you thought you were being helpful but ended up offending someone? Has anyone ever taken offence at your jokes? But I didn’t intend to insult you! You took it the wrong way! I didn’t mean it! Time to consider ‘Impact vs Intent’ with suggestions on how to negotiate it. As a doctor, both my intentions and my impacts are important. Good intentions on my part are taken for granted. The impact of my work, too, needs to be positive. To help ..read more

For years I treated Darren for schizophrenia. Often he would see me with his friend, Rowen. People think we’re gay because we spend so much time together. But Rowen’s wife will tell you we’re not. I met Rowen while serving in Afghanistan. I trust him more than anyone. Their shared experiences brought them close as friends, and they have shared interests: warcraft, fitness, psychological thrillers and women. Rowen sees the devastation when Darren gets unwell and becomes psychotic. As a friend, he makes sure Darren gets treatment. If Rowen says I need treatment, I know it’s true. When Darren is ..read more

Of course I talk to my friends. Yeah, maybe, but there may also be an inner dialogue going on: I hope I don’t say the wrong thing; I’d really like us to get closer and understand each other, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing so I’ll say nothing about that. This is post 7 in a series of 8 posts to help you accept others to help make and keep friends. It’s based on the acronym “ACCEPT”: 1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses 2. Common ground: find it 3. Centre in on them by listening 4. Empathize: walk in their shoes 5. Pardon and apologize 6. Talk gently, but do talk “Th ..read more

Has someone close to you ever done something hurtful? Something you just couldn’t get over? Sometimes friends prove not to be friends, but users and stealers; most of the time, however, friends can be hurtful just by being themselves, by saying the wrong thing, by doing something silly, by being thoughtless, or just by being a human being. As far as you can, be forgiving. In our world a lot is going wrong; we do the wrong thing; we need forgiveness because no-one is perfect. Being forgiving is part of being understanding and accepting. We all stuff things up, and the more you can place in the ..read more

To empathize is perhaps the most important step in acceptance of another person. We are wired to empathize with others, feel other’s pain, and to respond to them however we decide. With empathy, we grow close to another person. Empathy makes for deeper friendships. Our brains are designed to empathize, to feel with another person. Our anterior cingulate gyrus is the place where all the empathy happens; it’s where we notice other’s feelings through their words and actions, we interpret their inner world and it gets replicated in our brain. We actually feel what they feel thanks to the effect of ..read more

For a better world, listen more, talk less. Listen to friends, listen to family members, to strangers, to children, adults, colleagues, anyone. If we all learnt as much about listening at school as we did about trigonometry, this world would be much friendlier. Seriously. It’s a skill we could all use. With it, we’d be closer to understanding each other in the culture wars.  This is post 4 in a series of 8 to help you make and keep friends. It’s based on the acronym “ACCEPT”:   1. Appreciate others’ strengths; Accept their weaknesses 2. Common ground: find it 3. Centre in on them by ..read more