NEW YORK CITY — In an effort to compete with the boost in ratings that Man v. Food had given the Cooking Channel, Food Network announced Friday that they had plans to add a new show in which famed chef and television food personality Alex Guarnaschelli would be consuming as many sticks of butter as possible within the 30 minutes allotted to the program. “Although competitive eating hasn’t been a feature of our network thus far, we think it’s a perfect time to introduce television audiences to high-resolution close-ups of a beloved member of the Food Network family stuffing their face with pure ..read more

PHILADELPHIA — Vaguely insinuating Saturday that her boyfriend somehow had upset her, local woman Kara Jones, 31, reportedly started alluding to an interaction between the two of them from last week that had left her feeling slighted. “Nothing, I’m totally fine,” answered Jones unconvincingly when her partner asked her what was wrong, before continuing, “Well, it’s just –I’m not sure if you meant anything by this, but I’m just thinking of when we were in the kitchen the other day. It was weird, wasn’t it? You know, the way you said that thing…I don’t know, whatever, never mind.” Sensing that h ..read more

LOS ANGELES — Lamenting Monday the rapid decrease in the availability of America’s quintessential tomato-based condiment due to the way in which Covid-19 had significantly disrupted supply chains across the country, despondent special effects coordinators in the film industry bemoaned the fact that they now would have no choice but to utilize Pepto-Bismol in place of ketchup packets when shooting any scene in which a character was supposed to be bleeding. “We were afraid that it would have to come to this,” noted Kirk Williams, best known for his work on the Mission Impossible franchise. “Idea ..read more

Hey everybody! Remember me? It’s Hillary Rodham Clinton, your favorite neighborhood First Lady/Senator/Secretary of State/Spotlight Seeker. It seems like forever since I was last the center of attention, doesn’t it? Don’t worry though! I’ve been keeping plenty busy behind the scenes to ensure that I remain relevant within the Democratic Party for as long as possible. Frankly, I’ve been forcing myself into the public consciousness on behalf of Bill as well, since he’s had to lie low, what with the whole Jeffrey Epstein nonsense and all.  Anyway, what have I been doing? I’m so glad you aske ..read more

Boy am I sure glad I “took my own life” while in prison for being a serial pedophile. I mean shit, if I’d not been convicted of sexually exploiting numerous significantly underage females in order to fulfill my insatiable carnal desires, and had not “commit suicide” in my jail cell shortly thereafter, I would have had to suffer through a pretty fucked up year. You have to admit, I totally dodged a bullet there. Just imagine, for a second, what my life might look like today had I managed not to get caught participating in a major criminal conspiracy: I most likely would be stuck at home watchin ..read more

WASHINGTON — As it became increasingly apparent that there would be no viable legal path to re-election, a frantic Donald Trump rushed to fill out the necessary paperwork Monday to be accepted as a refugee in Russia, insisting to his wife and children that they apply for asylum as well. “Shit, shit, come on…what’s my date of birth? I know this,” a panicked Trump thought aloud as he scribbled in answers to a variety of questions. “Melania, would you help me out here for god’s sake? We don’t have much time.” Trump went on to underscore the gravity of the situation, snapping at Don Jr., Eric, and ..read more

WASHINGTON — Collectively breathing a sigh of relief as the outcome of the 2020 presidential election became clear, citizens of the United States of America reportedly expressed happiness Tuesday that the thought of Joe Biden residing in the White House didn’t make them feel even marginally better about the current state of the country and the world as a whole. “I’m not going to lie –I really thought getting Donald Trump out of the oval office would force me to adopt a more positive outlook on life,” explained Matt Davis, 39. “Luckily, as I started contemplating the grim realities facing us al ..read more

WASHINGTON — Reflecting on the hasty process to appoint Amy Coney Barrett to the United States Supreme Court and her subsequent confirmation by the Republican-controlled Senate, Associate Justice Clarence Thomas, a longtime anchor of the court’s ultra-conservative wing, expressed gratitude Wednesday that he could no longer be definitively considered the worst of the nine justices currently serving. “For many years, and up until quite recently, I was inarguably the shittiest justice that the United States Supreme Court had ever seen,” explained Thomas. “I mean think about it: my credentials and ..read more

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Candidly speaking to reporters Thursday about the embarrassing state of his football team, New York Jets co-owner Woody Johnson said he was certain that most of his sports franchise’s shortcomings could be attributed to the stale and uninteresting color scheme of the uniforms worn by Jets players. “Obviously back in the early 1960s, the juxtaposition of a darker shade of green with white was revolutionary, but unfortunately, that combination of colors has run its course,” stated a solemn Johnson. “The fact of the matter is that it’s not incompetent coaching, or woeful e ..read more

MOUNT LAUREL, N.J. — A new study published Wednesday in Annals of Neurology, the official journal of the American Neurological Association, has revealed that overexertion when trying to excrete feces is the most common reason people suffer damage to their cerebrum. “The brain is really quite vulnerable to many different kinds of injury,” explained Dr. Ruslana Oblansky, a world-renowned expert on the interrelationship between bowel movements and brain malfunction and co-author of the paper. “Our research has found that the largest percentage of people with cognitive impairment are those who hav ..read more