Takoma Park to Become Sanctuary City for Stumpy
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
4d ago
TAKOMA PARK,MD – Upon hearing news of the National Park Service’s plans to kill Stumpy, DC’s favorite ugly cherry blossom tree, city officials gathered in an emergency session to approve a new law declaring Takoma Park a “Rescue Tree Sanctuary City,” and will replant the famous tree within the city limits for its own protection. “Here in Takoma Park, we oppose ‘death with dignity’ for all forms of life, and therefore have made it illegal to euthanize any tree, even if it’s about to die and fall on a house at any moment” said the mayor. “Once here in the quiet suburbs, far from the noisy city ..read more
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Maryland Replaces Sales Tax Holiday With ‘Double Tax Week’ to Pay for MCPS Superintendent’s $1.3M Separation Agreement
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
1w ago
Between April 1 and April 7, shoppers in Maryland will pay 12% sales tax – double the state’s 6% tax rate – on eligible purchases, with the money going directly to former Montgomery County Public Schools Superintendent Monifa McKnight to pay for her $1.3 million separation agreement. “We should have just fired her for cause and not owed her any money, but knowing our reputation for completely screwing up the most basic issues, we figured it would be easier to cave in now and save us from a lengthy, drawn-out court battle,” read a statement from current members of the MCPS Board of Education ..read more
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Celebrating 5 Years of Satirical “Journalism”
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
3w ago
Five years ago, we published a very immature and poorly written satirical article poking fun at the petty grievances of Takoma Park, Maryland. We never would have thought that five years later we’d get invited to travel around the country to mock the petty grievances of an entire nation. It’s been a busy and scary time for everyone: political division, COVID, insurrections, lack of free parking, etc. We’re just happy we can provide some comic relief when the world feels unjust. Through it all, The Takoma Torch has managed to grow each year. We thought we’d run out of jokes by now, but, fortun ..read more
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Editorial: State of Maryland vs. The Takoma Torch
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
1M ago
My name is Eric Saul, and I am the creator of the Takoma Torch. Unfortunately, this is not a satirical article. Instead, this a disturbing true story that I never would have believed was possible: the Montgomery County State’s Attorney has criminally charged me for a satirical tweet. Here’s how it happened: Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-wooden-gavel-on-brown-wooden-table-6077326/ At 1:00 a.m. on the morning of February 21, my wife and I woke up to the sound of loud banging. We were terrified. We went downstairs half-dressed and were alarmed to see flashing ligh ..read more
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HBO Announces 7th Season of ‘The Wire’ With Focus on MCPS Board of Education
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
1M ago
SILVER SPRING, MD – After a surprisingly successful The Wire Season 6: Montgomery County Planning Board, David Simon and George Pelecanos dropped another huge sequel with the release of Season 7: The Montgomery County Public School Board of Education. “This county will never let me just retire in peace,” said Pelecanos holding a half-empty bottle of bourbon in his Silver Spring home. “The corruption and drama never seems to end around here!” The first half of Season 7 will focus on the events leading up to the resignation of School Superintendent Monifa McKnight amid concerns over how the dis ..read more
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Conservative Men Take Stand Against Taylor Swift’s Progressive Views by Supporting San Francisco
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
1M ago
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Triggered by a female pop star’s powerful left-leaning political influence and her support of the Kansas City Chiefs in the upcoming Super Bowl, a coalition of conservative men have declared their unwavering support for the city of San Francisco to prove how anti-progressive they are. “In these tumultuous times when a 34-year-old successful woman is threatening us with rainbows and Chief’s apparel, what better way to reassert our traditional values than being on the side of San Francisco?” said Guy Mann, a conservative influencer who has dubbed this weekend’s game “the Su ..read more
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Takoma Park Demands Border Wall As Part of Minor Master Plan
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
1M ago
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Facing the prospect of more people moving to their community, Takoma Park residents stormed a Montgomery County Planning Board meeting to demand a new border wall be included in the proposed Minor Master Plan for the city. “Why do we need to build more housing to make room for more people here?” asked Beth Miller carrying an “Immigrants Make America Great” tote bag. “When surrounding juridisctions send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing crime. They’re bringing traffic. They’re renters. And some, I assume, are good people.” The new border wall wil ..read more
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Progressive Neighborhood Pissed That Efforts to Protect Property Values Resulted in Expensive Houses
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
2M ago
Residents of a progressive inner suburb are angry that their decades-long battle to protect property values succeeded, resulting in a flurry of homes being sold at record breaking prices. “Two million dollars for a 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom house?! This is outrageous!” exclaimed Paula Zenkowski who regularly complains about “blight” caused by neighbors who refuse to hire organically-certified gardeners to keep their grass below 3.5 inches. “You really have to wonder what kind of snobby assholes will be moving in at that ridiculous price.” Once a haven of eclectic styles and sizes affordable to ..read more
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Crayola Releases Limited Edition MCPS Crayon Set To Help Parents Decipher School Color Code System
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
2M ago
ROCKVILLE, MD – In collaboration with Crayola, the Montgomery County Public Schools Board of Education announced a limited edition “MCPS Color Code Cruncher” 96-crayon set to guide perplexed parents through the kaleidoscopic labyrinth of their cryptic color code system. The innovative set includes new hues such as “Delayed Opening Teal,” “Early Dismissal Vermilion,” and “Still Waiting for Snow Day Cancellation White.” Each crayon is meticulously crafted to capture the essence of Montgomery County’s administrative mood swings. Parents, long accustomed to deciphering emails that resemble abstra ..read more
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Takoma Park Hires ‘Carborist’ to Protect City’s Endangered Urban Asphalt Canopy
The Takoma Torch
by The Takoma Torch
2M ago
TAKOMA PARK, MD – Fearing the loss of convenient parking spaces due to proposed development throughout the city, councilmembers voted 5-2 to hire an Urban Parking Manager, or “Carborist,” to create and enforce a new Urban Parking Ordinance meant to protect the slowly shrinking urban asphalt canopy that has come to define Takoma Park. “Ample parking is the reason Takoma Park is recognized as the most environmentally-conscious city in the country,” said Stefano Adams while idling in his parked car. “I hope we can preserve and protect what little of our precious heat islands we have left.” Simi ..read more
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